Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My Tattoo

For those of you who have read my sister’s blog, you already know that my dad passed away nine years ago. I’m not going to get into all the details about when he was diagnosed with cancer and, six months later, his death. That will be a story for another time. For now, let me tell you about the many months afterward, that foggy time when the rest of the world has continued normally, while I was forever changed.

My dad died in April of my sophomore year in college. I was in my dorm room at my Connecticut school when I got the call that I needed to come home to California. I spent about a week with him before he died and another week or so dealing with the funeral and such. Then, I went back to Connecticut long enough to cram the end of my semester into four days, pack everything, and return home for a summer of adjustment. The chorus that greeted me was so far from what I would’ve expected, so cruel. But it happened and I didn’t handle it well.

“Morgan, you know, we’re all really worried about your sister. I mean, this really isn’t a big deal for you, but it’s really unfair that she had to lose her dad at such a young age. You’re 20, but she’s only 17. You can handle it, but it’s tough for her.”

Um, yeah. That’s what I heard, over and over, all summer long. As if I had taken that freshman core course called “How to Watch a Parent Die”. To be clear, none of that came from my mom or sister, both of whom were in the midst of this weird hell with me. I did hear it from family friends, coworkers, etc. and it sucked. So, how did I react to that? I took it all in. Accepted it as truth. I was fine, this wasn’t a big deal, and I was old enough to handle it without much effort. Until I went back to school for my junior year.

I couldn’t figure out why I hated myself so much when I looked in the mirror. I was just so mad that I wasn't "fine". I was having anxiety attacks once or twice a week (I have had them my whole life, but they used to occur about once a year). It only got worse that summer and my depression finally peaked at the beginning of my senior year. I stopped eating and started cutting myself and it wasn’t nearly as subconscious as I think it is for many people. I knew what I was doing, but I wanted to punish myself for not being perfect and, at the same time, make other people see that I wasn’t ok. That I needed attention, too. I’d take a steak knife to my leg and then tell a friend about it. I’d tell people that I hadn’t eaten more than half a bagel in the past 36 hours. I may not have had the strength to make myself well, but I did enough that people intervened.

I was required to meet with a doctor once a week for tests, since they were afraid my heart would give out. My first attempt at any sort of counseling didn’t go well. I was told by the university shrink to “just eat”, as if I had been forgetting something so obvious three times a day. I was medicated and trying to stay as stable as I could, but I kept slipping. My favorite professor had taken me into his home my first Thanksgiving without my dad, and he knew what was happening with my illness. He referred me to his wife, who had a private practice and would see me for free. After weeks of seeing her with no improvement, she declared me “non-functional” and recommended that I leave school and seek more intensive treatment. That was just three weeks before my graduation, but I couldn’t stay long enough to attend.

Back home, my mom took me to the state mental health center for an evaluation. Deemed a suicide risk, they kept me there, doubled my antidepressant dosage, and put me on a sedative. I was trapped in a cold building and wanted out. That was my rock bottom, being there. I knew I didn’t belong in that barbed wire place, with people who had tougher lives than my own. It was time to work at being okay with myself, okay with not being able to handle everything without help. Oh, and I finished up my semester via email, graduating magna cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa.

About a year after my hospitalization, I decided that I wanted to commemorate my journey. I wanted to remind myself that I am stronger than I know. I came up with the idea of having three Chinese characters tattooed onto my lower back. "Stumble, survive, smile" was a nice way of saying “shit happens, get over it”. People ask why I put it on my back, since I can’t see it easily, but I don’t need it right in front of me for it to be powerful. It’s always there and I love it.

Just a few months after getting my tattoo, I found out that my favorite professor had died. As difficult as that was to accept, I knew that he had saved my life and I couldn’t take it for granted. I’ve stumbled, I’ve survived, but I’m still smiling.

Monday, August 25, 2008

After Beijing

The 2008 Summer Olympics are now a mere memory, but I definitely have lasting reactions to the events of the past few weeks. I know there are people who have no interest in the Olympics, but I see them as a fun athletics treat. I attended a bit of the Games in Atlanta and I'd love to go again sometime. That said, here are a few things that stick in my mind from Beijing:

Sportsmanship, or lack thereof. I wish I could recall the good sportsmanship more than the bad, but I just can't. There's Angel Matos, who kicked a referee in the face after being disqualified from his taekwondo bout. Ara Abrahamian dropped his bronze medal on the floor in protest. Usain Bolt and his post-victory showboating. I know, I know, some people have said that he was just expressing his joy at winning, but I think there's a fine line between unabashed Olympic happiness and an attitude problem. Michael Phelps would win a race, cheer for himself, and then shut up and congratulate his competitors. He was thrilled to be making history, but still knew when to turn it off and be a class act.

Always a bridesmaid...the women's water polo team and more. A little bit of background will help with this point. My best friend from high school is a two-time Olympian. She played on the women's water polo team in both Sydney and Athens, winning a silver and a bronze. That sounds great, except that I watched her work for years toward that gold medal. I saw her pain when she got back from Sydney with a silver. I sat with her as she decided whether to compete in another Olympic Games for a chance to win it or push forward with school and her dream of being a doctor. She went to Athens, and they fell short. To this day, it's not something about which we talk. Never. Ever. It's that painful. So, while most people may look at it and say "she has two Olympic medals and that's awesome", there's a lot of disappointment that comes with those medals. She appreciates them, really she does, but I've seen the hurt, too. She almost reached her dream.

Since that, I have a newfound perspective on those who come up short in the Olympics. Sure, it's amazing. They're doing things at which I'd fail miserably. But I've come to empathize with the idea that it sucks when you're not quite good enough. It sucks to get so close to the gold and then hear someone else's anthem. It sucks when you know you don't get to try again. I still know a few people on the water polo team, and it sucked watching them finish second...again.

Wrong to cheer for the USA? Near the beginning of the Games, I observed a conversation regarding cheering for the American athletes. One person was excited about seeing the USA do well; the other said he would be ashamed to cheer for his country so blindly. His argument was that most of us don't know anything about the Americans, the Michael Phelps and Shawn Johnson's aside, so rooting for them just because of their nationality is wrong. Personally, I've always cheered for the USA in Olympic competition, so I was a little taken aback by the accusation.

Of course, it got me thinking about my own actions and viewpoint. I mean, I have been a lifelong Angels fan in baseball and a Kings fan in hockey for no other reason than that they were local teams and my dad loved them. Is my cheering for the USA the same thing? Am I just following what was always done in my own living room? Yes. Ah, but is that dangerously nationalistic, among other things? Well, yes and no. It raises an awareness in me that I appreciate. No matter how innocent my bias may be, it is still a bias. My opinions are slanted. Of course, I've yet to meet anyone who is 100% neutral about everything, so I'm okay with my slant in this particular instance. I love my country, I love sports, and I love to see fellow Americans win.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

First Post, First Meme

For my very first post, I suppose I could say something profound, but it seems more logical to make this an introduction of sorts. That, and I'm all out of profound for today. So, hello, my name is Morgan, and this is my blog. I had planned to start this at a later date, perhaps to chronicle an engagement or pregnancy, but I got eager to share things now. This is me and my life, simple though it may be.

With that, I've stolen a meme from my sister, Lara.

1. The phone rings; whom do you want it to be? I hate the phone. Really, I do. I have an illogical fear of it and used to pay my sister to call the pizza guy. If I have to answer, I really hope it's my mom, Lara, or Jersey.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Always. People who feel entitled to leave it in the parking space make me angry. Actually, entitled people in general make me angry. This is just a great example of it.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you? Yes, and I plan to when she gets home from work.

4. Do you take compliments well? I'm learning to. I still get admonished for not doing it as often as I should.

5. Do you play Sudoku? Nope, never have. I've heard it's addicting. I do, however, have a big puzzle book by the publishers of Games Magazine that I keep next to my bed. Love that stuff!

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? I'd like to think so. I mean, I love modern comforts, but I think I'd be tough if I had to be.

7. Do you like nipple rings? Um, no. Definitely not for myself. If someone else wants to pierce their nipples, it's nothing I'll hold against them, but OW!!! I've always found eyebrow rings oddly sexy though, and I have my belly pierced.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Nothing more than a few days, but yes. A couple of Girl Scout weekends. I'd probably count church retreats and our 8th grade trip to Catalina Island, as well. I think anytime you are in a sleeping bag, within a cabin or tent, and hiking through the dirt to get to a group mess hall would count.

9. If a sexy person were pursuing you, but you knew he/she were married what would you do? Now, well, I'm not single, and I would never cheat on Jersey. I've never cheated when I've been in a relationship, even the really bad ones. I will admit to having been the other woman in the past. It's not a good thing, but I have my faults.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Sure. I think it's beneficial to hear differing viewpoints. It challenges your own. There are various issues that arise when it comes to raising children, but those can be handled with communication and maturity. Bottom line, I'll respect you. Please respect me.

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? Tough one. I'm somewhere in the middle, though closer to being the pursuer. Ideally, as close to mutual as possible would be nice. I don't think I'm very approachable anyway.

12. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment: Relaxed. Focused. Content.

13. Do any songs make you cry? I don't cry at much of anything. I don't like to cry. There was a time last year where "Bring on the Rain" by JoDee Messina could choke me up because I wanted and needed it to be true. I cried when I heard "I'm Movin' On" by Rascal Flatts in concert. Other songs that have been quite profound live, though I didn't actually cry, include "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas and "Alone" by Heart.

14. Are you continuing your education? Formally, no. It was a dream of mine to get my PhD and that got derailed. With the right financial situation, I'd love to go back. As for other types of education, I'm practicing yoga now (which teaches me much more than just some nifty poses), I'd love to bring back my Spanish, and dance and guitar lessons would be fun.

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun? I'm not licensed or anything, but I've shot them more than once and live out some of my FBI dreams by rolling around in the dirt, crawling behind boulders, and sneaking next to cars with a gun in my hand. All while being very safe, by the way. Seriously.

16. If your house were on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? Childhood home videos and a pic of my father and me. And I'd put on my slippers or flip flops because I can't stand being barefoot.

17. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Well, I currently share one with Jersey. Before that was my ex-boyfriend, (I'll call him Goodfella). In fact, the last time he was in my bed was when he showed up at 2am and needed a place to crash. All three of us shared the queen bed. Tight fit. Thank god all three of us get along.

18. Whom do you text the most? Jersey, by far. But texting my mom is the most fun. She really doesn't know much about texting, so I love getting her confused when I text her and waiting for the text that it will take her 10 minutes to send back.

19. Favorite children’s books? I have a place in my heart for the Dorrie books. I just remember reading them with my mom all the time when I was little. I've asked that she please get copies of them for my children, once I have them. I also loved Curious George.

20. What color are your eyes? Usually blue or blue-green. When I wear blue, they are very blue and when I wear green, they are very green.

21. How tall are you? I always say 5'5". It's more like 5' 4 3/4", but that's just silly.

22. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you? Probably not. There are mistakes I've made and regrets I have, but my road brought me here and I'm happy now. Forgiving myself is a work in progress.

23. Any secret admirers? If I knew that, they wouldn't be secret, would they?

24. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Foggy memories on this one. I believe I did with my mom once. And I know I did with an ex (I'll call him the Abuser). Just found those the other day, in fact. My sister and I should, but I don't think we have.

25. Where is the farthest place you have traveled? Well, I've been to 43 of the 50 states, Mexico, Canada, and the Caribbean. Distance-wise, I suppose Hawaii, Montreal, and Jamaica would win.

26. Do you like mustard? Sure. Mostly on hot dogs, though I used to put it on grilled cheese sandwiches when I was little.

27. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? Wow. Tough call. Probably sleep, though there are definitely foods that could convince me otherwise. I really love sleeping and eating.

28. Do you look like your mom or dad? My mom, I guess. I don't see it as much as other people do. And when I was younger, I didn't look like either of them at all. I think at this point, my mom and I talk alike and have the same mannerisms, so that is probably what people see.

29. How long does it take you in the shower? Regularly? 5-10 minutes. If I have to shave my legs? 15-20.

30. Can you do splits? Nope. I am one of the least flexible people I have ever met.

31. What movies do you want to see right now? I love movies and my list of things to see is loooooong.

32. What did you do for New Year’s Eve? Worked until 11:53 pm. Was driving home with Jersey at midnight when the Las Vegas fireworks went off. Fortunately, I don't care about seeing them, so I drove while she looked out the window at them. This year, I'm sure we'll be keeping it simple. A toast and a kiss probably.

33. Was your mom a cheerleader? She was a songleader. Her uniform is still around somewhere.

34. Whats the last letter of your middle name? Y. Why?

35. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Ideally, 9-11. Realistically, about 8.

36. Do you like Care Bears? Well, they don't factor much into my life now, but I was a fan once upon a time.

37. What do you buy at the movies? I try not to eat at the theater. If I do, it's usually nachos and a cherry coke. Or those gummy peach rings. Or licorice, Junior Mints, Reese's Pieces, etc. See why I try not to eat at the theater?!?

38. Do you know how to play poker? Yes, and rather well if I do say so myself. In my many hours of playing in the Vegas casinos, I have won more than I've lost. Playing with friends and family, I've won MUCH more than I've lost. I was called a hustler in high school, but that's really not accurate. While I did beat everyone, I never once acted like I didn't know what I was doing or con anything out of anyone. It just helps that I'm a blonde female. People don't naturally give me credit.

39. Do you wear your seatbelt? Yes, always. Don't feel like traveling through any windshields, thanks.

40. What do you wear to sleep? Underwear, boxers, or pajama pants. No top.

41. Anything big ever happen in your town? Well, it's Vegas, so I'd go with yes. I just try to stay out of it.

42. Is your hair straight or curly? More curly than straight, though the lack of humidity here makes it a wavy blah mess. It's enough that I have to flat iron it. In humid places, I can get something resembling ringlets. Since chopping off almost 12 inches, I really have let it go too wild.

43. Is your tongue pierced? Nope. Thought about it once upon a time. As I said earlier, my belly is pierced. And I once had nine piercings in my ears, though I'm down to the normal two.

44. Do you like liver and onions? Never had liver, so I've never had liver and onions. Regarding onions on their own...I like them cooked and soft, not raw and crunchy.

45. Have you ever been in love? Yes. And I'm very happy that she loves me back.

46. Do you like funny or serious people better? Probably funny. I'm an odd mix of both.

47. Ever been to L.A.? LOTS of times. Grew up just south of there. Most recently I was there mid-July for a weekend.

48. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? I plead the Fifth.

49. Do you hate chocolate? No, I like it. Not as much as you'd think, but I definitely wouldn't like to go without it.

50. What do you and your parents fight about the most? I've been lucky to never fight with my parents. My dad and I went through a rough period where he was reevaluating his life and I seemingly dropped off his priority list, but we still didn't fight. My mom only ever got mad at me if I mouthed off, but a quick look from her could silence me. I always respected them, and they returned the favor. I want to raise my kids the same way.

51. Are you a gullible person? Aside from looking it up in the dictionary when someone told me it wasn't in there? No. Totally kidding, by the way. I'm way too skeptical to be gullible.

52. If you could have any job, what would it be? Author of psychological thrillers.

53. Are you easy to get along with? Well, I think the biggest hurdle is that I'm generally antisocial (in a non-psychotic sort of way), so I don't have many friends. As I move through my life, very few people have gotten close enough that I carry them with me. That being said, I have no problem making friends and people like me. It's just not likely we'll be in touch 10 years from now. I am still friends with my best friend from high school, and I would drop everything right now if she needed me. While I joke that I'm a bitch, I'm really not.

54. What is your favorite time of day? On weekends it's the morning, when I wake up but don't have to physically get up. I like taking my time rolling out of bed. During the week, it's that relaxing time before bed when I don't have to answer to anyone.

55. Are you a generally happy person? It's something on which I am consciously working. I don't want to waste my energy on negativity, but I do allow myself time to vent each day. I have started a body & soul makeover of sorts, because I want to be healthy inside and out.

Thanks for reading this far and thanks in advance for your patience as I fumble my way though this blog-world!