stumble survive smile

Stork Update

2010-10-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

It's very interesting that I wrote my last post at that particular time. Jersey and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months, so I could have written that at almost any time. Instead, I happened to share it with the universe on that specific day. Well, just a few days later, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Seven more tests followed (because I'm crazy and it was fun to see all of the positive tests lined up) and we were incredibly excited. My first prenatal appointment was scheduled at 9 weeks, and Jersey and I worked hard to keep our special little secret for a bit. I went to work that week and stayed as normal as possible, so that my mom and all of my coworkers wouldn't see right through me. Everything was going great.

Then, I miscarried.

When the bleeding first started, I panicked (duh!), but I also knew that many women experience some of that during the first trimester. I tried to stay as calm as possible, since I really didn't know anything yet. The following morning, my morning sickness kicked in and I became a hormonal mess. Between the uncertainty of the pregnancy and the fun of spending the morning on the bathroom floor, I kept crying. At that point, I knew I had to tell my mom...and let me tell you, it was not fun having to tell her that I was pregnant and that I might be losing the baby all in one sentence. I also scheduled an appointment to see a doctor asap. I had one blood test done then, with a second test four days later. Our appointment for those results was on Monday, though I already knew that it was over. I've gotten to know my body very well over the past year, plus the morning sickness had disappeared.

I'm doing much better now that the roller coaster has stopped. I'm the type of person who likes information and plans, so I'm thrilled to be past the "I don't know what's happening" stage. I also came to the important realization that I really don't like the doctor with whom I spoke. My regular doctor is on maternity leave, so I switched to this replacement, but I'm looking forward to switching back as soon as possible. This doctor was nice enough, but I honestly felt like I knew way more about my body and how we are conceiving (which is obviously not traditional) than she did. She gave me questionable advice, and I'm glad I've done enough research to feel secure in ignoring her.

So, now I have an appointment with the nurse practitioner who is known as the office's "fertility expert" and I am ready to pick her brain. Jersey and I plan to start trying again as soon as my body gets back to normal. I'm very much looking at the bright side of all of this...now I know that I can get pregnant, which was a big question mark before my miscarriage. Also, now that I've miscarried, I can go to the doctor as soon as I get pregnant again, so that they can help boost my hormone levels and keep an eye on me.

The bottom line is that I'll be fine and this is something that happens to a lot of women, even if most don't talk about it. It really sucked when I was in the middle of it, but I'm glad that I can look forward. Plus, I know that when I have my baby in my arms, there will be no doubt that he/she is the baby I was supposed to have. My time will come.

Where is the Freakin' Stork?

2010-10-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

First comes love, then comes marriage...now we want a baby carriage. From the time we were little kids, both Jersey and I have known that we want to be mothers. Before we met, we had individually come to the conclusion that we would even be single mothers if it came down to that. Fortunately, we fell in love and got married, so we don't have to go down that road. Instead, we can share in the joys of mommyhood and we're eager to do so.

About a year ago, I started doing research into how to get knocked up (given the obvious obstacle of being married to a woman). I am one of those types that loves to gather LOTS of information, so that I can make very informed decisions and have time to digest every step along the way. I started charting my cycle and my basal body temperature (there's an app for that!) and registered with a cryobank. Jersey and I read through the profiles of many donors and made a list of ones we liked. I visited my doctor for my annual exam and told her of our intention to use donor sperm to get pregnant in the privacy of our own home. We got hitched and looked forward to our new journey...

...which is so much harder than we thought it would be.

It's not that we expected that we could just buy a vial of the stuff, say abracadabra, and be done with it. We knew it could take few attempts. Still, I'm a healthy 31-year-old from a very fertile family and I have a predictable cycle. More than that, I DID MY HOMEWORK AND I AM DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT! Ah, yes, the perfectionist in me can't stand that I'm really up against something over which I have no control. Okay, I have some control, but it's becoming clear that my eggs and some little frozen swimmers did not pay attention to my many months of research. I don't like that (though I know it's a great peek toward the future baby who will also fail to read the instruction manual). I stopped drinking alcohol after our honeymoon, I've cut back on caffeine, I'm taking a multi-vitamin with extra iron and folic acid, and I've returned to my weekly yoga class. My body is ready...where's the baby?

Recently, a friend/co-worker announced her pregnancy. I knew that she and her hubby had been trying for baby #2 for a while, so it wasn't a total shock. What was a surprise was the instantly awful feeling of jealousy. I am not a jealous person at all and my reaction truly bothered me. I mean, I get it. It's something that I want to announce. She beat me to it and that bummed me out. Still, I am not proud of feeling so upset by it. Then, to top it all off, she miscarried and is now back to the same point I'm at. Yeah, that made me feel pretty rotten, too.

So, we've spent thousands of $$$ so far (vials, shipping, insemination kits, ovulation tests, etc.) and there's no bun in the oven yet. We get discouraged every time this doesn't work, but are keeping a positive attitude about it as much as possible. I'm in the process of making an appointment with my doctor, just to put my mind at ease about anything being physically wrong. We know that plenty of couples take a long time to get pregnant, but it sucks when we have to pay so much to try each month, so we'd rather make sure that there aren't any hidden problems. Honestly, despite the semi-negative tone of this little rant, we know that this will happen for us. There isn't a doubt in our minds that we will be mommies. It's just frustrating buying little vials of frozen goodies instead of using that money for a snazzy stroller or adorable baby bedding. We're ready for our little one, but patience is a virtue.

Right?

Ten Things Tuesday - Wedding Music Edition

2010-06-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've completely slacked on my duty to update you all on the wedding festivities. Yes, I have a lot to share. Yes, I'm still delaying a real post about the hoopla. Instead, here is a list of ten songs featured on our wedding day...and a few random pics.

1. "Canon in D" (Pachelbel) - This was the song played as our immediate family was seated prior to the ceremony. It also showed that, really, this was a pretty "traditional" wedding.

2. "Power of Two" (Indigo Girls) - We chose this as the song to be played as our bridal party (our sisters were our maids of honor and our best friends were our bridesmaids) walked down the aisle. It also showed that, really, this was a marriage of two chicks.

3. "Songbird" (Eva Cassidy) - I had known for years that I would walk down the aisle to this song (specifically the Eva Cassidy cover, despite the fact that there's nothing really wrong with the Fleetwood Mac original). Jersey was still trying to find a good song, so I just went about my business and played "Songbird" while she was deciding. When I looked up, she had happy tears running down her face and the most loving look in her eyes. I asked if she wanted to share my walking-down-the-aisle song, and she said yes.

4. "I Gotta Feeling" (Black Eyed Peas) - We really liked the idea of having all sorts of lovey-dovey songs playing as our guests arrived. Plus, we had the above-mentioned songs for the ceremony. So, when it was time to pick a recessional, we knew we wanted to change the tone and start the party. Alas, this was the perfect transition.

5. "I Kissed a Girl" (Katy Perry) - Immediately after the ceremony, our guests went inside for hors d'oeuvres and we stayed outside for pictures; this was our introduction song when we entered the reception. Originally, we were going to give out cherry Chapstick favors, but didn't think many people would get the reference.

6. "Feels Like Home" (Chantal Kreviazuk) - This was our first dance as wife and wife. :) We did a very simple "hug and sway" type of dance...then our bridal party and parents joined in and it was a very cute moment.

7. "Tangled Up Puppet" (Harry Chapin) - This is a song that Natalie's dad played for her all the time when she was little, so it was the perfect sentimental choice for the father-daughter dance. I stood off to the side to let them have their moment, but when he realized that I wasn't dancing with anyone, he let her go and pulled me in for the second half of the song.

8. "Single Ladies" (Beyonce) - Okay, this is totally the obvious choice for bouquet toss songs, but I like it. It's just catchy (pun intended) and fun.

9. "She's a Beauty" (The Tubes) - This is a guilty pleasure song of mine; it would be my theme song if I had one. You can't take all the lyrics literally, but parts of it are quite the ego boost. Anyway, I wanted to work this into the reception, so it was the garter retrieval/toss song.

10. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" (Pat Benetar) - Cake.smashed.into.face.

Time Flies

2010-04-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I had every intention (road to hell, blah blah) of writing much more before my wedding. That's totally not happening. My life has been a whirlwind lately...a good whirlwind, but a whirlwind nonetheless. Work has been incredibly busy and we've been wrapping up wedding details, plus family is arriving. I made it through last week without an anxiety attack, which was pretty impressive. Now, I am living it up this week and enjoying every minute up to, and including, Saturday's wedding.

I'll be posting pictures and filling you all in on more details after things calm back down.

Monday Meme

2010-04-05T20:48:00.001-07:00

I stole this, as is true of most of my memes, from Mrs. Chili.

1. How old will you be in five years? I will be 36 and that's so strange to me.

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? Jersey is too obvious, so I'll go with my new "boss" at work. I'm sure a post regarding my latest occupational adventure will be coming soon.

3. How tall are you? I say 5'5", though I am technically 5'4 3/4".

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Um, my wedding and honeymoon.

5. What’s the last movie you saw? 2012...I love me some John Cusack, but the movie was a general disappointment.

6. Who was the last person you called? My mom

7. Who was the last person to call you? Jersey

8. What was the last text message you received? Jersey asked me what time I would be home from work.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? I don't remember, but it was probably one of my idiot co-workers/clients. And I say idiot because all the smart ones know to reach me via email.

10. Do you prefer to call or text? Text, text, text. I've never liked to talk on the phone, even when I was a teenager. I actually panic when I have to make phone calls, and I usually ignore the phone if it rings (unless it's someone I know very well).

11. What were you doing at 12am last night? I was sound asleep. Long gone are my night owl years. I doubt I'll see another 12am until I am up with a newborn.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? They divorced after 20+ years of marriage. My dad has since passed away and my mom is single.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom? This afternoon. She and I work together, which is awesome.

14. What color are your eyes? Blue-green. I'd say they are slightly more blue, but they become very green if I wear green.

15. What time did you wake up today? A little before 7:00am, and that's with no alarm. For those who don't know me well, that's an amazing feat. I am not a morning person, but I've worked hard to train my body.

16. What are you wearing right now? Jeans, my Angels jersey, and my Angels hat. It's baseball season's opening day!

17. What is your favorite christmas song? O Holy Night

18. Where is your favorite place to be? I love being at home. Oh, but I also love hotel rooms.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be? Hard to say...stuck at a red light? Or in a long line? I'm impatient.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? So many places. Seattle, San Francisco, Southern California, anywhere tropical, New York City, New England. I'm not terribly picky.

21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years? NOT in Las Vegas. Probably living in either Seattle or New England, raising 2 kids with my beautiful wife.

22. Do you tan or burn? Mostly burn. I've learned to stay out of the sun, or at least cover myself in sunscreen.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? I don't remember being afraid of much.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? Jersey makes me laugh all the time. Sometimes we wonder if we're too silly because our laugh to cry ratio is about 100:1.

25. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3...the pretty plasma HD in the living room and older ones in the bedroom and office.

26. How big is your bed? It's a queen, but we plan to upgrade to a king when we move in a few years.

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? Both. The desktop is in our home office and the laptop travels with me to work and back.

29. What color are your sheets? Where is #28? Anyway, currently, we are using our navy blue jersey sheets. As the weather warms up we will be switching to our lavender and white plaid sheets.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2...one under my head and one to hug.

31. What is your favorite season? Probably autumn.

32. What do you like about Autumn? It's just a cozy time of year. I also love pumpkin spice lattes, football season, and the baseball playoffs. I'd love the leaves, if I lived somewhere that had any pretty ones.

33. What do you like about winter? More coziness. Lots of family time. Scarves. The quiet of snow (if we ever get any). I guess everything just seems slow and peaceful.

23 Days and Counting

2010-04-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have been gone a very long time. I don't know that anyone will even read this, but I've wanted to write for quite a while...so here I am! There's a ton of stuff about which to fill you in, but I'll try to keep it simple for now. The biggest thing going on? I'm getting married in 23 days!

Yes, yes, yes, Jersey and I did get married in September. That was our legal ceremony in Massachusetts and it was very important and special to us. Having said that, we call that our "legal & unofficial" wedding. On April 24, she and I are having the big hoopla, full of family and friends, pretty gown, fresh flower, open bar "non-legal & official" wedding. We have lots of family and friends coming in from hundreds or thousands of miles away. The past several weeks have been full of hectic planning, but I am trying to enjoy every second of it. Here are some highlights:

- I go to pick up my wedding gown tomorrow. Just a few short months ago, I did not fit into the dress at all. Not even close. About a month after that, the zipper was still a few inches short of it's destination. Another month later and I actually fit into it perfectly. Yes, it took a lot of eating right and working out, but I got into the dress! It's currently having a bustle added to it, and I'm excited to get it back (if for no other reason than the fact that it's become a nice weight loss measuring tool).

- Jersey and I decided to pay to have our hair and makeup done by a professional. It took a while to come to that conclusion, because neither one of us is the type to spend that much effort on our physical appearance and we don't want to look like clowns on our wedding day. Still, we figured that it would be nice to be pampered that afternoon. I did lots of research and read reviews and finally booked a stylist. Fortunately, I also scheduled a trial run, so that we could make sure the stylist understood what we want. Two (yes, two) no-call/no-show appointments later, I fired the stylist and had a minor panic attack about what we would do on semi-short notice. Lucky us...a coworker of mine used to be a professional stylist and she jumped at the chance to help us out.

- We planned to celebrate our honeymoon in Lake Tahoe, CA. Basically, we were just going to rent a small condo within walking distance of the shoreline, so that we could relax and have a very peaceful week to ourselves. There weren't any big plans involved...just hanging out on a blanket by the water. Sounds nice, right? Well, it was perfect until Jersey and I saw a commercial for an Eagles concert here in Las Vegas. Jersey is a HUGE Eagles fan and she has always wanted to see them perform live. The teeny tiny problem was that the concert is the same night as our wedding. So, I quickly put together honeymoon plan B. The Eagles are in concert in Seattle on May 13, the Angels are playing the Seattle Mariners on May 9, and we were already planning to visit Seattle later this year. It's nice when the universe helps out.

- My sister did a kick-ass engagement photo shoot for us and we are putting a couple of those pictures in a signable frame to use in lieu of a wedding guest book. As her gift to us, she also going to frame some of our favorites so that we can put them around the house. Jersey and I are pretty awful at printing and displaying pictures, so we are excited to have some great ones to hang up.

- It will be great to have so much of my family together at such a happy time. My aunt (my mom's sister) passed away in November and many of us gathered in Texas for her funeral. Obviously, that was a tough time for everyone involved and it was especially hard for me to see my grandparents mourn the loss of their daughter. After that, I wasn't sure if many of them would be able to make it to my wedding. My family is in Texas, Illinois, California, and Canada, and after all of the time and money they had spent during my aunt's illness, I just didn't think that a Vegas weekend would be feasible. Apparently, they decided otherwise...my grandparents, two uncles (including the one who just lost his wife), and at least three cousins will be attending the wedding.

Okay, I've babbled enough for now. I know that I'll have plenty to say as we wrap up the details and I continue to stress. Plus, there's all sorts of other fun to talk about. My work is crazy busy, Jersey and I are hoping to start a family soon...life rocks!

What to Wear?

2009-08-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

Next April, Jersey and I are having a large wedding/reception in Las Vegas in which we will declare our commitment while surrounded by family and friends. Many (many) people have asked which one of us will wear a dress and which will wear pants, as though there is a one-person limit on that sort of thing. The answer is that, in April, both of us will wear beautiful white wedding gowns. While both of us have a distinct tomboy side, we look forward to being princesses on that day.

Then, we started planning the details of our legal ceremony, to be held in MA in September. Since it's going to be such a small (albeit important) ceremony, we figured we'd go get a couple of white sundresses and some sandals; outfits that would be simple, yet cute. So, last weekend we went shopping...

Side note: The stores at the mall, plus the other random chain stores we hit, were insanely crowded! Even more so than during the holiday season. I get that it was back-to-school shopping, but WOW! It seems like the number of people who celebrate holidays is larger than the number of people going back to school, plus the economy is supposed to suck right now, so I did not expect those crowds.

Jersey and I battled the crowds and searched everywhere for great dresses. There were a few that we sort of liked, but we didn't really want to get married in anything that we sort of liked. I was getting frustrated and said, jokingly, that I wished we could just get some comfy matching white sweats and be done. Then I thought. And thought some more. Finally, I said, "I'm not kidding. We should just get something cute and comfy and screw the whole dress thing."

The result:
I can not put into words how completely excited Jersey and I are about finding these outfits. It may seem silly to other people, but they are so perfectly "us" and we're already doing the fancy thing in April, so we don't feel like we're totally disregarding formality. I'm giggling even as I write this post! Ahhh, we are so happy to be getting married and this is like the goofy icing on the cake! Yay!

Life

2009-08-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

I've been gone from here for a very long time. I'd apologize, but I'm not entirely sure I'm really sorry about it. I mean, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to connect with the few of you who read me, but I'm not sorry that I've been really busy with life. Let's see if I can catch you up on the highlights...

Work - So, there I was, struggling to keep my job. A job a really don't even like that much. I was thinking about starting a Masters program at night and looking for other employment. Then, the owner of the company for which I work decided to let go of her executive assistant, and she needed someone she trusted to jump in and help while she interviewed for a new EA. I offered, she accepted, and I found myself with a "part-time" and "temporary" second job. What I thought would be a chance to just make a few extra dollars turned into about 35 hours a week for over two months. You see, the owner goes through a very slooooow interview process, so it took her quite a while to find someone.

Once the new EA had arrived, I was busy training her and working on a couple of projects that were already in progress. I figured I'd be around another week or two to wrap things up, but nope. Out of nowhere, the owner's administrative manager/coordinator decided to just bail on the job. Suddenly, the owner desperately needed help filling that position, so I moved over to that desk. It's now been about three weeks and she is really no closer to hiring a new employee. As for me, I'm up to almost 40 hours a week, plus a pay raise when I moved into the second position. So, what's the craziest part about all of this? I'm still doing my regular job...though I now do it in the morning, at lunch, at night, and on weekends. I'm pretty exhausted and a little stressed, but all my extra effort may pay for the wedding. To pay the wedding off without dipping into my normal income would be incredible! Speaking of which...

The Wedding - Jersey and I spent a long weekend in June in New Jersey (with a quick trip to NYC for dinner & drinks) to celebrate our East Coast engagement party/bridal shower. It was a ton of fun to meet even more of her family and friends, plus the extra time I spent with those closest to her. I love that everyone has welcomed me with open arms and I'm glad to be a part of their lives, even in small ways.

We came back to Vegas in time for my sister and T. (my mom's significant other) to arrive in town; my sister stayed for almost three weeks, T. moved here. We all had a great time and spent one night on the West Coast engagement party, which was mostly my co-workers and a handful of friends. Oh, and my sister and I went to try on pretty bridesmaid dresses for her!

Jersey and I really need to finalize our official wedding guest list and send out Save the Date magnets...

The big hoopla wedding/reception for all the family and friends is taking place on April 24, 2010, so we have a bit of time to get our shit together for that, but time flies. Really, I have no idea where the year has gone. And while we may have time for the big hoopla planning, we are getting married in Massachusetts in four weeks.

Repeat.

We are getting married in Massachusetts in FOUR WEEKS! Ahhhh! Ok, I'm really thrilled, but WOW, that's right around the corner. We have a Justice of the Peace and will be getting married in her gazebo, which will be perfect. Plus, given the waiting period and the holiday weekend, we will have some time to relax in New England. I'm very much looking forward to that and have already warned my "part-time" "temporary" boss that I will not reschedule my wedding for her.

TLC - With everything going on right now, I have made a very conscious effort to do nice things for myself (and Jersey) on occasion. In the past several weeks, we've made a trip to a nearby winery, strolled through our favorite outdoor shopping center, treated ourselves to massages, and jumped in the car for a very random trip to San Diego. It's been amazing to reconnect with special moments in the midst of such a crazy time.

Ok, I'm yawning a LOT right now, so I'm gonna stop here...but I'm sure I'll be going into more details about all of this stuff at various times. Thanks to those of you who came back to read after all this time and I really have been reading you, too, even when I haven't had the chance to comment. I'll be back!

So Many Plans

2009-05-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should be walking around with a calendar because time is flying and I have a lot of big things planned in the next several months. I hope I don't forget to show up somewhere. Just so that all of you can feel part of my schedule, here's a look at what's coming:

* June 24-28 - Jersey and I are flying to NJ for our "Engagement Party - East," where we will get to catch up with lots of family and friends. I think we're saving some money on this trip by staying with her mom instead of getting a hotel room. By the way, if any of you will be near NJ (specifically Rockaway Township) and would like to come to our crazy party, let me know!

* July 1-20 - My sister is coming to visit! She's a teacher and will be on her summer vacation; I'm very glad that she will be spending so much time with us during her break. We are incredibly goofy when we are together, plus she and Jersey get along very well. It will be so much fun and I can't wait to see her.

* Early July - My mom's significant other, T., will be moving back to Vegas. He's been in Texas for a while (two or three years maybe...I've lost track) and I don't like that I've only been able to see him on brief visits. He's so much fun and life is better with him around. We plan to celebrate his return by grilling burgers and drinking rum.

* July 18 - "Engagement Party - West" will be held at my mom's home. How great is it that my sister and T. will be here for the fun?!? As with our other party, let me know if any of you will be around for the Vegas bash.

* September 3-8 - Crazy East Coast wedding weekend with lots of driving. This isn't 100% set yet, but it's looking pretty solid. Jersey and I will be flying to Boston, applying for a marriage license, hanging out somewhere in the general area for a couple of days (and seeing a blog friend or two?), driving down to NJ for a family wedding, coming back to MA with a probable visit to P-town, picking up the marriage license, and getting married in a tiny (legal!) ceremony. Mrs. Chili and Auntie, we'd love to meet up with you guys together/separately/however/wherever/whenever. Jersey and I don't mind driving all over the place, so don't worry about that. Auntie, if you're interested, shoot me an email (morgangirl11 at gmail dot com) and we can chat about it. Mrs. Chili, I know things are hectic in your life right now, so we can figure it all out as it gets closer. I can't believe I'm going to get married in a few months!

* April 24-May 1 - Big wedding and honeymoon time. While we are getting legally married in MA in September, the big wedding/reception in front of friends and family will be in Vegas on April 24, 2010. The honeymoon location has not been determined, but we have some ideas. I definitely understand why some people think that spending money/time/energy on a huge celebration is silly, but it's something that Jersey and I look forward to sharing with people. This will be a once in a lifetime party for us, so we're going to make it as special as possible.

So, did I miss anything?!?

Monday Meme

2009-05-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a meme that I stole from my sister...

The Rules:

- Answer the questions below.
- Type your answers into Photobucket.
- Pick a picture from the results and post it as the answer.

1. What is your name?
Ok, so Morgan isn't my real name, but this picture was the inspiration for the alias.

2. How old will you be on your next birthday?

3. What is your occupation?

I know "Real Estate" is more of a field than an occupation, but you get the point.

4. What is your relationship status?

5. What do you want to be when you grow up?

6. What do you love most in life?

7. What do you like to do in your spare time?

8. Who is your celebrity crush?

Sorry, but I couldn't decide between serious Michael Vartan or smiling Michael Vartan, so I used both. Mmmmmm...

9. What is your favorite animal?
Giraffes are just funny. Really.

10. What is your favorite color?

11. What is your favorite book?

I really don't have a favorite book. I don't re-read books (I think I'm in the minority on that), and nothing is ranked significantly higher than everything else in my memory. I do, however, love Jonathan Kellerman's work. One of his non-fiction books is very similar to the senior honors thesis that I wrote in college and I'd love to audit a (few) graduate course(s) of his. A real life psychology career combined with writing murder mysteries...it's like my dream come true!

12. What is your favorite type of shoe?

I think it has to do with the vacation connotation.

13. What is your favorite Disney character?
14. Where is your favorite place to be?

15. What is your biggest annoyance?

16. What is your biggest fear?

17. What is your bad habit?

I could eat ice cream every day and it's something about which I've had to be very conscious during my attempt to be healthier. I don't even have a favorite flavor, though I have regular choices at most ice cream places. I. Love. Ice. Cream.

18. What is your mood right now?

Time to Change

2009-04-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

***Note: For some reason the font style/size keeps changing after I hit "publish" and I can't figure out why. Sorry! I hope it's not terribly difficult to read.***

About a week ago, my mom received the following letter from a coworker of ours:

A Memorial: James J. Pechacek 1954-2009

My husband passed away on Tuesday. Actually, he was my Fiance. We'd been engage for 33 years. He tried to hang on long enough for us to get married. That goal helped keep him alive for the last several years. He'd have been perfectly content with "domestic partnership".

JJ was a very private person. Few of you ever met him, nor even knew of his existence. Those who did were indeed, very privileged.

JJ was the counter balance force in my life. We were polar opposites in so many ways. He was a meticulous stickler for details, a deep thinker, a slow responder. He prided himself on his rationality, and his memory. JJ was the best "phone a friend" walking encyclopedia that anyone could have ever hoped to have known. And though he didn't think so, he was the cutest little puppy in the world.

JJ was the first fan of Vintage Vegas. He's the one who made me believe 20 years ago that we could create a vibrant, energetic, fun urban core. When we first moved to Las Vegas 1985, he's the one who only wanted to live downtown. He's the one who pointed out the first "mid mod" homes that I soon fell in love with. We didn't know the words for mid mod, but JJ's the one who showed me why they were important. JJ was my biggest supporter, my most ardent fan. And he was my most vocal critic. I'm so going to miss him.

JJ liked his privacy and his anonymity. I was most shocked on Sunday when he told me that I could tell some of our story in public...as long as it was to make a point.

We met in 1975. We were both 21 year olds. He was hitchhiking to Florida. I was driving the semi-truck. I stopped to pick him up in Louisville, and was in love before we got to Nashville. He wanted to be a Gypsy. I wanted to be rich. He wanted to see the great cities and buildings and mountains and rivers and I wanted to meet a couple of million interesting people. We both got what we wanted.

It's been a long, exciting, and fun journey since then. We've been rich and poor and rich and poor again. We've been healthy and sick. We've been fun loving and furious. We were a couple thru lots of thick and thin. We were PARTNERS. That's the word we used to describe ourselves. And in our minds and in the reality of space and time we were married. We were married because we said we were. We could have cared less what any church might have thought. That our government considered us second class citizens...mattered a lot.

It was crushing to me yesterday when the coroner's office didn't have a category that described us for the death certificate. They wrote that he was SINGLE. They said I WASN'T THE NEXT OF KIN!

Back in January, the hospital recognized the legal power of attorney and other forms that had cost us thousands of dollars in legal fees. Most "not married" couples don't have those papers ready when they need them. Many couldn't afford them in the first place. We were fortunate in that regard. Without them, they wouldn't have even had to let me into the room.

There's a thousand things, both big and small that require "the stamp of recognition" from out various governments. Social Security Survivor benefits, taxes, inheritance rules, property rights, parental rights, and on and on and on. This is no small matter to the lives of many millions of Americans.

And that brings us to the irony of the timing of JJ's passing. Within a few minutes one way or the other of JJ's death...The Nevada Senate passed "Domestic Partnership" legislation. JJ would be very proud of them. Many of our best friends are in Carson City this week to tell our stories, and to lobby for passage of the bill. JJ wanted me to go, but I couldn't leave him alone for 3 days. I've asked them to deliver a copy of this obituary for me.

Our governor has said that he'll veto it if it passes. Why? Because "he doesn't believe in it" is the only answer he has. JJ believed in it and so do I. I hope you do, as well.

One of JJ's final requests was that I tell you our story and that I ask all of you, in his memory, to PLEASE call or write the Nevada Legislature, AND THE GOVERNOR and tell them that you support domestic partnership legislation. For that matter, tell the Congress and the President as well.

All JJ wanted was that I be recognized, at the barest of minimums, as his LEGAL "next of kin".

He asked my mom to pass it along to the rest of our office, which she did immediately. It also for passed along to individuals within the Nevada Legislature and we've already received some good news. Apparently, there were three people on the fence about this vote; one decided to vote in favor of domestic partnerships after reading this letter. Also, the latest news is that the Governor may sit back and let it pass. He says he won't support it, but won't veto it either.

I honestly have no idea if this specific letter actually changed minds...or opened any. Maybe it was that all-important straw on the camel's back, or maybe it got ignored. All I know is that these stories are about something so incredibly simple. It's just love.

2009-04-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

A Decade

2009-04-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

As my sister so simply put it today, "ten years is a long time." On April 27, 1999, our dad died after a relatively brief battle with cancer, which makes today the 10th anniversary. It's hard to perfectly describe how I am doing today, but it's the same as every year on this date; it's as though I am just a step behind all day, or underwater with my senses slightly dulled. I really wanted to blog today, though, so I am going to give you a random assortment of thoughts...

* My mom, Jersey, and I went to Dairy Queen for lunch so that I could have my dad's favorite kind of Blizzard in his honor. To answer the obvious question, it's chocolate chip cookie dough with extra fudge and a banana in it. Celebrating such an important day with dessert is something my dad would do.

* This evening, Jersey and I will watch some home videos (circa 1981-1983). My favorite is probably the one in which my dad and I are making chocolate cream pies for a holiday dinner, a couple of months before my third birthday. It's important to note that you can NOT give a chocolate-covered spatula to a toddler and tell her not to lick it. She will lick it with gusto and then proudly announce that she is doing so. Oh, and her mother will encourage it from behind the camera.

* When it comes to my personality, I got most of it from my dad. I am obsessive-compulsive, stubborn, and I have zero patience for stupid things. I think he was a little more of an asshole (and I say that in the nicest possible way), but I definitely got some of my attitude from him. I also love sports, swear like a sailor, do crosswords, and memorize numbers, all of which I will credit to him.

* Speaking of sports, my dad and I took a dream vacation when I was twelve and I'm so glad I had that experience with him. He and I drove around the country together and saw 21 Major League Baseball games in 18 different stadiums in 28 days, plus the MLB, NFL, NHL, and NBA Halls of Fame. Ok, it's totally a tomboy vacation, but I really loved it and still remember it well. Plus, I have lots of cool stories from that month.

* Overall, I think I've adjusted very well to not having my dad in my life (well, my physical life, but that opens up a really deep conversation). I obviously miss him, but I'm doing well. The hardest part for me right now is the wedding planning, specifically the whole walking down the aisle thingy. Most people have told me to just have my mom walk me down the aisle, but it's not that simple for me. If I had always planned to have both parents walk me down the aisle, then it would be fine to still have my mom do it; because I had only ever planned to have my dad do it, I don't like the idea of "replacing" him. I get that my dad wouldn't mind and blah blah blah, but it honestly bothers me. Apparently the idea of me walking alone bothers everyone else. For now, no decision has been made.

* Whenever I go to visit my dad at the cemetery, I try to bring him gifts. Well, they're not really gifts. More like food. A small bite. The last two were a chocolate chip cookie and a fried clam. It's like bringing a virgin to a volcano. I like to keep everything peaceful and calm. I also clean up his stone and say hi to Poles, his "next-door neighbor."
* Today, my Facebook status reflects the significance of the date and it brought comments from people I hadn't even heard from since accepting them as my friend on the site. It's nice to know that other people miss him, too. Someone on my sister's Facebook called him "badass" and I think that's great.

* I can't wait til the next time I am in California at a time when I can go watch a basketball game in the high school gymnasium that was named after him. Long story short, our high school (the one from which my sister and I graduated is the same at which my dad was a teacher, coach, and athletic director) renovated the gym last year and renamed it for my dad. There's a plaque with his name and picture above the entrance, a painted basketball jersey and new scoreboard with his name on both, plus the existing memorial basketball tournament (and possibly a memorial football game and soccer tournament) and the school's athletic hall of fame, which was named for him about a week before his death. All of that rocks.

* I gave the eulogy at my dad's funeral mass and I am still very proud of the fact that I made the 1000+ attendees laugh out loud throughout it. My dad joked around til the very end, so there was no way I could honor him by being serious and tearful. I made it as funny as I could, though I'll admit the "I'll miss you, Daddy" at the end was a bit rough. I swear, the rest of it was funny shit.

* When my dad was in the hospital the week before he died, I couldn't handle being alone with him. My mom and sister had no problem with it, but I needed someone with me. I don't know why I was so terrified, but it freaked me out. The only time I was alone with him at all was the night before he died. I took about a minute to tell him that I loved him and that we were all sad, but we'd be okay. He needed to stop fighting and I told him to let go. I also told him that I made a cassette tape of one of our favorite songs and that I would make sure it got put in his coffin, but that I wasn't about to include an entire stereo system, so he'd have to bum one off someone else on the flip side.

Thanks for listening. And I do miss you, Daddy.

Monday Meme

2009-04-20T19:08:00.001-07:00

I've stolen this meme, with very little delay, from Mrs. Chili. Enjoy!

1. How did you come up with your blog title OR what does it mean?

I have "stumble survive smile" tattooed on my lower back; I consider it a nicer way to say "shit happens, get over it." I never thought I would get a tattoo, but triumph at the end of an emotional journey convinced me otherwise. The tattoo is a permanent reminder of my strength and my personal motto.

2. What are your general goals for blogging?

I had planned to wait and blog when I could chronicle something really big...perhaps a pregnancy. Then I realized I have a lot of junk (good, bad, and ugly) bouncing around in my head and it wouldn't hurt to have a place to dump it. A blog could be a healthy outlet for me. I had begun to comment on a couple of blogs, plus I have been a member of message board for a few years, so I wasn't a stranger to internet interaction. I suppose this blog was just a tiny bit more selfish.

3. Do people "in your real life" know that you blog and do they comment on your blog OR is it largely anonymous?

My mom, my sister, and Jersey know that I blog. Jersey's mom and sister know that I blog. An ex-boyfriend knows that I blog. I really have no intention of letting friends or coworkers know, largely because I want to be able to vent when necessary and I don't want to get myself into trouble. Of those that read, my sister and Jersey are really the only two who bother to comment.

4. How often do you post (x per week)?

I only post once or twice a week. Honestly, my biggest hesitation in starting this blog was the pressure to post all the time, but I've managed to avoid any guilt about that. I would like to regularly post two or three times a week, but I won't freak if I come up short.

5. How often do you read other blogs (x per week)?

I only read a few blogs, so I have no problem reading them daily. I also check in with the message board on which I am a member. I'd say that the community feeling on the message board is like a mini-blogosphere; I've even met a couple of them in "real life" and I keep up with the things going on in the lives of the people on the boards as much as I keep up with other bloggers.

6. How do you select blogs to read (do you prefer blogs that focus on certain topics or do you choose by tone or...)?

I don't read many, so this is simple. I started with my sister's blog and then moved to the blogs of a couple of her readers. I remember that I originally contacted Mrs. Chili with a yoga question. Admittedly, I get nervous about commenting elsewhere, simply because I feel like I'm still a blog newbie and don't want to start showing up where I'm not wanted. It's probably not a logical concern, but it's a concern.

7. Do you have any plans to copy your blog entries in any other format, or do you think that one day, you'll just delete it all?

Um, neither. I'll keep writing here until I have nothing to say, then it can just float in cyberspace for all of eternity or die in the great internet explosion of 2023.

8. What are the things you like best about blogging?

I've never been the journal type, but I love being able to get my thoughts out of my head. I'm not sure it's slowed down any of the verbal ranting and raving that I do on a daily basis, but it does help me focus my point(s).

9. What are the things you don't like about blogging?

Trying to capture a lot of my (very passionate) thoughts and opinions in a relatively brief blog post is difficult. I always have a lot to say about the things that get me riled up! Also, I think it's difficult to make my tone and/or intent clear sometimes. Sarcasm and humor don't always translate well; this goes for comments on other blogs, too. It's just hard to act the way I would act in person, because I know that the written word can be deceiving.

10. How do you handle comments?

I definitely read them all and appreciate the time people take to write them. It's awesome to know that I have an audience, even if it's a small one. When I feel the need to write a response to a comment, I do. I have a response in my head for almost everything that people say on my blog, so maybe I'll try to add more comments about comments. Look out, Mrs. Chili, here comes a dialogue!

11. Do you have any burning thoughts to share on blog etiquette?

Be respectful. I've never cared if people agree with me, but I can't stand people who don't respectfully disagree. It's just not cool.

12. Any desired blog features?

I really don't know how to do anything on this blog, so most features would be lost on me at this point. I really should learn more about videos and such. I'm not technologically inept, just lazy.

13. Have you suffered blog addiction?

Yes and no. I'd say that it's become a part of my life, but it's not something for which I would apologize. I believe I will continue to grow as I write and I hope to form long-lasting friendships, as well.

Thought for Thursday

2009-04-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I'm working hard to keep my light strong.

No More Bad Dreams

2009-04-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

I've been annoyed/worried/frustrated by my job for a while now and it led to a breakdown last Friday. I've tried really hard to put the negativity away and take control of my own feelings, but I still feel the anger creep up now and then. On top of that, I've been having very predictable bad dreams (feeling lost, out of control, etc.). So, I decided to come here and vent about what's going on. Maybe this act of getting the icky stuff out of my system will let me sleep soundly.

I'm not sure how much I've said about my job (nor do I feel like looking at past posts to find out), so I'll summarize a bit. I'm an independent contractor who offers administrative services within a specific company for a fee and the only money I make is from that fee. I'm not salaried, but I am considered the "preferred vendor" for this company. I attend weekly staff meetings, teach classes for the company, write newsletter articles, and pay the company 20% of what I charge my clients. In exchange for that, I don't have to pay the office desk rental fee ($75 a month) and I am (supposedly) endorsed by the company.

Several months ago, there was an individual ("S.") who was released as the personal assistant of someone in the company. S. decided that she wanted to offer the same services I do and began to recruit my clients away from me. Because I am the "preferred vendor," she was told that she was not allowed to actively seek my current clients, but it still happened to some extent. I explained my concerns to the powers that be (well, it's really just one manager-type of person who likes to call herself the CEO), but was met with a bunch of "if you do your job well enough, you won't have to worry about it" and "maybe you need to be on point with your own business" and "just educate people about why she's not being a nice person and they'll come back to you." Basically, a lot of bullshit. Fortunately, S. left the company for a new position and the big threat was gone.

The same "CEO" kept on my case about why my business wasn't booming anymore, and our company accountant and I pointed out that many of my former clients had become so successful that they needed personal assistants. It wasn't anything that could be helped on my part...it was just that they grew beyond what I could do for them. I was picking up new clients, but that doesn't equal immediate results. We printed out company reports to show her that I had reached all the clients that I could. I gave her specific examples of things I was doing to increase my success, but she hinted at the idea of bringing in competition because it didn't seem like I was working hard enough. For a long time now, I've felt like she just wants me gone. I know I'm not the only one that she treats like shit (hell, she does it to my mother and my mom is part of management), but it's hard to defend myself against someone who won't look at the facts.

Over this time (before, during, and after the threats to my business), I worked with various people within the company to get an idea of how I could improve my services. I took lots of suggestions, incorporated them, and wrote emails and articles about the improvements. I added in an entirely new "express" service, for those who didn't need everything I was offering. I started sending weekly email tips to the entire company, as a way to get my name out there even more. Additionally, I met with the company liaison who is supposed to promote my interests to the company and the company's interests to me. As one of my clients, he was able to give me insight into what was expected of me and I agreed to (and followed through on) EVERY SINGLE IDEA that he and the other clients had.

Within the past two weeks, one group of four clients left the company. No more business from them. Another one of my clients joined up with a very successful couple with their own personal assistant. No more business there. While disappointed, I had also picked up three new clients, so I was okay. Then, I overheard someone in the office trying to talk to a client of mine into using the services of her former assistant ("E.") who was now going to be doing the same work I do. I thought this problem had already been handled, because everyone (meaning management/accounting/staff) had been told that we were not going to to have round two of this threat to my job if I was going to be the "preferred vendor." I was pissed at overhearing the recruiting, so I went to the accountant and she went straight to E. to tell her that it would not be allowed by the company. Her response was that she had no interest in doing my job and that she respected me immensely and wouldn't do that to me...

An hour and a half later, E. took one of my top clients. Which client? The supposed company liaison. Before I go any further, I will say that I know my services are optional and that any client can come and go; that's the nature of my business. What I have a MAJOR problem with is the underhanded, sneaky, cowardly, bullshit way this all went down. I have spent months working with this liaison to improve my services for my clients and he didn't have the decency to tell me that he was unhappy with what I was doing for him?!? E. specifically said that she respected me too much to take my business, and then did it anyway?!? I've been working my ass off for months, just to get stabbed in the back by people who know they are in the wrong...they've gone to so much trouble to hide what's happening (new email accounts, shared log-in codes for our company system, payment under the table, etc.), apparently forgetting that my mom and the accountant were watching closely for this specific thing.

I have no reason to believe she'll stop with this client; I suspect that she's working with at least one other already. I know that I will not be backed up by the CEO, so I really have no recourse at this point. The logic of knowing that I do a great job doesn't pay the bills. She can charge less than I do, since she doesn't have to give the company 20%, and I can't blame people in this economy for wanting the cheapest option possible. I am desperately trying to hold on to a job that is being pulled out from under me, and it's an awful feeling. I yelled and cried a LOT in my mom's office on Friday, frustrated at being stuck and mad at myself for not having a career that I love.

At this point, I've requested material from some online universities and plan to seek an MBA in Human Resource Management. Once Jersey is working full time, I will feel comfortable accepting a job that pays less, just so I can gain the experience I need to build a strong career. Having a plan has calmed me to some extent and I will work hard to reach my goals. In the meantime, I will try to let karma deal with the rest.

Sigh.

Monday Meme

2009-04-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

I got this one from my sister...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

1. You are biased in the opposite way of what most people would guess.
2. What held you back?
3. I'm human.
4. Please look in the mirror when you say the things you direct at everyone else.
5. Happiness snowballs as much as unhappiness does.
6. I wish you were here to walk me down the aisle.
7. A lot of what happened was my own fault.
8. I regret being mad at you when you died.
9. Why are you afraid to be happy?
10. I am the least of your problems.

Nine things about myself:

1. I cried when I got my first "B" on a report card.
2. I cried when I got an "A" on report card, because I didn't deserve it.
3. If I could live anywhere, it would be in Newport Beach or Corona Del Mar, CA.
4. My dream is to be an author of psychological thrillers, but I admit that I am not putting any effort into that dream at this time.
5. I started wearing glasses when I was 18 months old, wore an eye patch when I was a toddler, and had two eye operations before I was ten; I currently wear no glasses or contacts, but that will probably change within the next few years.
6. My favorite sport is hockey, but that's followed very closely by football and baseball.
7. I kissed a girl when I was 16, but I dated only men until my current relationship began in February of 2008.
8. I've been to 43 of the 50 states (still missing Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Maine).
9. I like Easter candy better than Halloween candy, but I hate Peeps with a passion.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Appreciate sarcasm.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Respect my religious and political views, even if you disagree with them.
4. Allow me to have bad moods every now and then.
5. Don't make a big deal out of it when I cry.
6. Love my family.
7. Love your family.
8. Want to have children.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. My future
2. My past
3. Work
4. Educational opportunities
5. Wedding plans
6. Food
7. My family and friends

Six things I do before I fall asleep:

1. Take off my clothes
2. Brush my teeth
3. Turn on the TV
4. Read or do a crossword
5. Kiss Jersey
6. Curl into the fetal position

Five people who mean a lot to me:

1. Mom
2. My little sister
3. Jersey
4. My high school best friend (and bridesmaid)
5. Jersey's sister (because she's the most important person in Jersey's life)

Four things you're wearing right now:

1. A sundress
2. A white lace thong
3. Strappy sandals
4. My engagement ring

Three songs you listen to often:

1. Baba O'Riley - The Who
2. So What - Pink
3. Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi w/ Jennifer Nettles

Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Be a mother
2. Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary.

One confession:

I regret derailing my life when I became an anorexic cutter in college.

Vocabulary - Part 2

2009-04-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my post yesterday. I want to take some time now to jump around to a few different points in relation to what I said. As I said yesterday, it's very hard to articulate my thoughts on all of this; the jump from brain to blog is tricky.

* To clarify my personal feeling about insults that are directed my way, well, I can say that I actually feel insulted about .001% of the time. Anyone who would hurl an insult at me, with anything but love (and teasing by friends and family counts as love in my book), is not someone who even matters to me. I'm not just saying that to act tough here; even as a small child who was taunted for being "little miss perfect" or "four-eyes" all the time, I was able to brush it off because those kids had no bearing on my self worth. When I said that I find "gay agenda" as insulting as "faggot" or "dyke," I was honest. I'm not personally insulted by any of it, but I think they are often said with the same ill-will.

* I understand the point that Anonymous made about us standing up for those with intellectual disabilities, since many of them are not able to verbalize their hurt. However, I think it's dangerous to compare slurs on the basis of whether the victim is able to fight back. If I'm hurt by someone who calls me a "dyke" and an autistic person is hurt because someone called them a "retard," then both of those are wrong and arguing which is more wrong is missing the point. We don't get to call certain people names just because they can take it.

* I also agree with Auntie and Mrs. Chili about words having the power that you give them. We make choices all the time, and if we choose to let words affect us, they will. That said, I am careful about what comes out of my mouth on a regular basis, because I feel like a constant stream of negativity does start wearing down good energy. It's not that I don't vent in anger, or make self-depracating jokes. I just try not to do those things too often because I think they gain power with repetition.

* The thread on my message board about homophobia and the gay agenda currently has 149 posts in it. From the discussion about the gay agenda came another debate about gay marriage, which wasn't a huge surprise. JW made a comment (and I know he's just one of many to do so) about being okay with homosexual unions with benefits and state approval, as long as homosexuals don't call themselves "married." To him, civil unions and the like are fine; marriage is not. I've written about this before and I still don't understand what the difference is. Let me put it this way:

I believe that murder is wrong. We could change the word "murder" to "apple-picking" and I would believe that apple-picking is wrong. We could use fifteen other words for it, and I would still believe that it is wrong. No vocabulary change is going to change a core belief of mine. So, why are so many people okay with civil unions and not marriage? Now, I have heard that the problem is that there is a religious connotation to "marriage" and homosexuals are sinners, blah, blah, blah. But why aren't there laws being passed that marriage must be between one man and one woman who believe in God? Atheists get married with little problem. I want the same right.

Ok, that's all I've got for now. My head is so jumbled with my thoughts on this, but I think I've made some of my main points. Go ahead, throw some jumbled crap back at me!

Vocabulary - Part 1

2009-04-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

First, a bit of background information:

For the past 4 1/2 years, I have been a semi-active participant on a message board; the site is mainly for discussion about a baseball game, but there is an entire off-topic section in which people discuss movies, music, politics, religion, what they had for lunch, births of children, etc. There is a separate debate forum where things can get pretty heated when people disagree (which is often, of course). I check the boards a few times a day and comment when I feel like I have something to say. I've also met two of the other posters in person.

So, earlier this week, I was reading through some of the recent threads and opened one about the letter that John C. McGinley wrote about the use of the words "retard" or "retarded." Basically, he compared the use of "retard" to "nigger, or kike, or faggot, or jap, or kraut, or mick, or wop" and said that words hurt, so we need to remove such words from our vocabulary. This particular thread was started by someone I'll call JW; he is a conservative Christian with an autistic son and a history of arguing with the more liberal members of the message board. He and I have always gotten along, though we certainly agree to disagree on a lot of issues (like the fact that I am damned to hell for loving a woman).

In response to the topic at hand, I posted the following:

"...my point of view is definitely in the middle somewhere.

Any words can become derogatory, depending on the context and intent. I certainly don't think that the use of any particular word automatically makes someone a bigot. Getting too focused on banning the words themselves is like a dog chasing its tail; we'll be wasting a lot of energy and not getting very far.

That said, I also agree that the casual use of these words can desensitize people and if this brings about education and intelligent discussion, then I'm all for it. Overall, I'd rather see change in people's actions than their vocabulary, and if any discourse leads to that..."

With that done, I opened another new thread. This one started by linking an article about a homophobic incident. Honestly, I didn't even read the article; it didn't end up being my focus in the thread. What caught my eye was JW's response to the incident. He mentioned that people were "pushing the gay agenda" and that was enough to piss me off. So, I wrote:

"FWIW, I absolutely hate the phrase "gay agenda" and find it as insulting as faggot, dyke, or anything similar. It's as though homosexuals are distributing obscene brochures or holding recruiting meetings at which they force people to sign up for a pyramid scheme of satanic proportions. I guess I just see people who are trying to have a consensual relationship (possibly even recognized by the state?!?) with an adult that they love very much."

After another second, I realized I should follow it up with this:

"...just so I stay consistent with what I posted in the thread about using the word "retard"...

I don't think the phrase "gay agenda" should be banned and I don't think that the use of it necessarily means that someone is a bigot. I do hope that there is continued discussion about the issues behind the usage of the phrase and that people's actions can change as a result."

My thoughts are obviously more complex than I can properly explain on a message board, or this blog, but I do wonder what causes someone to worry about the use of one word (retard) and use others (gay agenda) so casually. Is it as simple as differentiating between what hits close to home and what doesn't? Am I wrong to think that actions speak louder than words? If we eliminate the use of some slurs, won't there be others to replace them? Shouldn't an off color joke be an opportunity to educate, rather than a need to silence?

I have more to say on the importance of words, but I will wait until tomorrow.

Tell Me Something Good

2009-03-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

The company at which I work held its annual convention in Orlando about a month ago; I did not attend, but my mom did. When my mom and the other office attendees came back, they were very excited to share a new habit that they had learned from a guest speaker. This speaker said that he no longer asks someone how they are doing, upon saying hello. Instead, he opens with "tell me something good." His point was that people will often focus on the negative when given a wide opening; by narrowing it down to the positive, people stop to think about it. Since that lesson, many coworkers have changed their ringtones to the catchy 70s song (which I get stuck in my head a lot) and my mom and I greet each other each morning with "tell me something good."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a super bubbly, always positive, cheerleading type of person. I'm not incredibly social and I am not a big hugger. That being said, I've worked very hard at being happy (and I don't think that happiness requires any of the above) and I love that I start each day with a good attitude. I make a conscious decision to have that attitude and I think it spills over into all aspects of my life. It's great to see the good things that happen when you open yourself up to those possibilities.

For the past 2 1/2 weeks, I have been focused on eating right and exercising because I am trying to get in shape. I'm not doing anything drastic (a combination of lean protein, fruits, veggies, and the gym does wonders!) and I've lost five pounds so far. It's not easy, but I think that having a smile on my face has helped me. My head has gotten healthy; I want my body to match.

Oh, and yesterday I got great news from my accountant! Basically, I owe significantly less than I was expecting to (I knew I had overestimated, but I didn't know how high I was), and that money can go toward wedding planning and be a basic safety net. Do I think that having a good attitude magically lowered my taxes? No. That's math. But I do fully believe that I notice these great surprises when I'm happy and I don't let bad news send me into a tailspin.

None of this is an exact science and I still slip into bad moods here and there. I'm sure I'll use this blog as a venting place on occasion. In the meantime, I will stay in tune with the positive stuff and keep thinking of my something good.

Monday Meme

2009-03-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

I'm about to go make dinner, so I am giving you a quickie meme for now. I have a handful of memes I'd like to do, though, so hopefully I can start remembering to post them on Mondays. Enjoy!

One Word

Where is your cell phone?
Desk

Your hair
Ponytail

Your father
Birds (my first thought was "underground", so I tried to be nicer and less funny)

Your favorite thing
Food

Your dream last night
Forgotten

Your favorite drink
Captain

The room you are in
Office

Your dream/goal
Kellerman

Your fear
Regret

Where do you want to be in 6 years
Seattle (currently leading the "where to move" contest)

Muffins
Mimi's

Where you grew up
California

The last thing you did
Work

What are you wearing
Pink

Your TV
On

Your pet(s)
Maniacal

Your computer
Vista

Your life
Wonderful

Missing someone
Dumpy

Your car
Paid

Favorite store
Target

Your summer
Fucking HOT (sorry, had to break the one word rule to make it clear how much I hate the summers here)

Your favorite color
Blue

When is the last time you laughed
Earlier

Last time you cried
Forgotten

Favorite food
Cheese

Place I would rather be right now
Hotel

Scattered

2009-03-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling very scattered lately, so maybe a post about my randomness will help me focus (or at least do some prioritizing). Here goes nothing...

* Regarding Mrs. Chili's comment about whether I need fertility treatments to get pregnant (and no, I didn't consider the comment crude at all)...I don't necessarily need them and Jersey and I are still discussing that topic. We've talked about possibly having a cousin of hers donate to me and a cousin of mine donate to her; that's the closest we can get to combining our DNA, and we kind of like the idea of blending our families like that. We've also talked about having a friend or acquaintance donate. Our biggest hesitation is in avoiding any legal loophole that could have someone trying to come back and claim their child later. That freaks us out.

* I'm waiting to hear back from my accountant so that I can find out how much money I owe to the government. While I definitely owe money, I'm excited to find out how far under my saved amount I will be. In other words, I've got X amount already saved for taxes, so X - actual total = money that can go into the wedding fund!

* Wedding planning is fun and not terribly stressful because we booked a venue that includes almost everything we need (dinner, bar, DJ, photographer, flowers, etc.). Jersey and I are trying to figure out the guest list, which is so difficult because of all the people that don't fit neatly into a definite yes or a definite no. We are also working on our registries and finding pictures of cake designs and bouquets that we like. At first I was worried about finding a officiant to do the ceremony (or getting a friend ordained to do it), but then I realized that this isn't going to be a legally recognized marriage anyway, so we should be able to have any friend of ours perform the ceremony with no official status.

* Knowing that we are paying for a wedding/reception next spring, and that we would like to have a baby soon afterward, makes my current job insecurities even worse. I know I've been lucky to do so well over the past year, especially in an industry that has so notoriously fallen apart recently. I've held on to my job, despite changes that have been made in my company (and despite the lack of support from some powers that be), but I'm now facing another challenge to my position. I get nervous not knowing what could happen day to day.

* Partially due to my job insecurity (and partially because I just miss it), I am thinking about going back to school. I'd be looking for an online program, or at least something that is mostly online, so that I would be able to maneuver around my current schedule. And, yes, I am disciplined enough to be able to handle online courses. So, what degree? I haven't gotten that far yet. I want something that will give me a solid (marketable?) career skill; right now I can only fall back on administrative work and food service. Obviously something in a field that isn't going anywhere would be nice, too. My BA is in psychology, which is a nice start for a lot of other things. If I'm leaning toward anything right now, it's probably an MBA. I'm open to other ideas...

* Along with the idea of going back to school, and where I may find future jobs, is the fact that Jersey and I will almost definitely be moving away from Las Vegas within the next five years. I've never particularly liked it here and she hates it. The only reason I'd want to stay is because my mom is here, and while that is a HUGE reason, it can't be my only one. We are doing a (very) preliminary search of different places right now, just so we have some ideas of where we might end up (and because I like to do lots of research before I make decisions). Current possibilities include WA, CA, and CO. There's an outside chance of New England. We'll see.

So that's where my mind is at. My biggest problem is combining too many of these thoughts into one big mess. Focus!

So Confusing

2009-03-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Because I am the type of person who likes (loves?) to plan things out, I have been doing some research into all the ducks that Jersey and I need to have in a row before we have a baby. We aren't getting married until next spring, but we'd love to start a family shortly thereafter. Since we can't just do things the natural way, it will take some work to figure out fertility treatments and all that fun stuff. And before any of that happens, I need health insurance.

Yep, that's right; I'm uninsured and have been for years. Some of that has been due to my own laziness (though there was a time when it was a choice between insurance or power/gas/water, so I kinda had to prioritize), but now it's time to get my shit together and get covered. Since I'm an independent contractor, I can't get any of the super cool group insurance that includes maternity coverage; I have to apply for an individual plan and almost none of them will cover maternity stuff. I've looked at different options, but a lot of it is confusing!

I seem to have three options at this point. First, I can get a plan that includes maternity coverage. It would be relatively expensive (about $200 more a month than a plan without the coverage), but at least it's all there. I'm hesitant about this mainly because a coworker said that I would still be paying all of that extra money after I'm done having kids and it would be a waste. I don't understand that, though; shouldn't I be able to find a more basic plan after I have a baby? Obviously I don't want a gap in my coverage, so I'd have to be careful, but I wouldn't be the first person to switch insurance plans, would I?

Option two would be to get basic coverage without maternity, but add on a supplemental policy that would essentially reimburse me for my maternity costs. It seems like doing something like this could work really well, or something could completely fall through the cracks and I'd get screwed. I'm nervous about everything becoming too complicated if I try to coordinate separate policies.

The third option is what my coworker suggested (she is also an independent contractor and has a two-year-old). She kept her basic policy for herself and paid all of the maternity costs out of pocket. Apparently, if you negotiate with the hospital as soon as you find out you're pregnant, it's possible to get a MUCH lower fee than what hospitals charge the insurance companies, and you can make payments throughout the pregnancy so that it's not a huge lump sum cost (sorry if that whole negotiation thing is common knowledge; I've been fortunate enough to not have to deal with hospital bills). Still, my understanding is that it will come to a total of $6000-$10,000, and that seems worse than paying the extra money for the expensive insurance policy.

Ugh, I am definitely going to contact reps from all of these companies, but does anyone have an experience or advice on any of this? I need to figure it out relatively quickly, because I know some of these policies have 12 month waiting periods and we would like to start fertility procedures next May or June (and, yes, I know the fertility stuff won't be covered). Please let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions!

Success!

2009-03-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

When asked about my guilty pleasure here, I mentioned that one of my guilty pleasures would be occurring in the upcoming weeks. In another post, I mentioned that I was going to try to make sushi at home. Alas, my guilty pleasure and the sushi-making collided and I'm sure you are all totally intrigued (or disgusted) by that image.

My guilty pleasure started several years ago, when I was living alone in an apartment, approximately 15 minutes from my mom's house. The Academy Awards were coming up, and we had a history of watching them together (even when we were 3000 miles apart during my college years, we'd IM throughout the telecast). I mentioned that it might be fun to get all dressed up in formal wear and watch all of the red carpet hoopla. I even decided to cook a mulit-course meal. With that, my mom and her (now ex) boyfriend came over in their gown and suit, respectively, and I served stuffed scallops, orange-glazed chicken, spinach rolls, and apple crisp; all the while, we enjoyed the spectacle on television.

Since then, we've continued the tradtion, some years more elaborately than others. Last year, my relationship with Jersey was sitll new, but she jumped right into the silliness and we ate pizza and breadsticks in our pretty dresses. It's always been fun and goofy and I look forward to our annual Oscar celebration.

This year, my mom had to be in Orlando for work, so she couldn't join us for our party. Jersey and I planned to just hang out together and do our own thing, but then her best friend decided to fly in from California and dress up with us! I figured that I had a great opportunity to make sushi for the first time, and studied proper sushi techniques extensively. Everything was a success, and here are the pictures to prove it...

My Next Thirty Years

2009-02-20T16:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been 30 for over a week and it's been great so far. As I've said, I love my birthday, so I stretched out the celebration for a handful of days. Here are some of the highlights:

On the morning of my birthday, my mom and I met at a restaurant for breakfast and she presented me with a birthday sash and tiara. Personally, I think it may be a good idea to wear this combo more often; it scored me a slice of chocolate mousse cake (which was a little odd after my omelet, but who am I to turn down free food?!?) and a coupon for a complimentary appetizer on my next visit. Then, we went to the office, where I had two birthday cakes, a VERY decorated desk, and lots of birthday wishes/gifts/cards.

That evening, Jersey and I headed over to happy hour at a convenient chain restaurant with an awesome bartender. Oh, and Jersey gave me a different sash and tiara to wear ("Birthday Bitch").

We were joined by my mom

And about 10 friends/coworkers. It was a lot of fun and I behaved rather well. One of my friends got a little too tipsy and got dragged out by her hubby. I don't think I was really drunk til toward the end of the night when one of my friends offered to buy us a couple of drinks...we had already closed out our tab, but I went ahead and had those last two cocktails. Honestly, I don't get drunk very often, so I won't apologize for being goofy on my 30th birthday. Plus, we had planned ahead and Jersey was driving. I'm not exactly sure how Max felt when I got home and scooped him up...

Ah, love the glassy eyes.

On Friday, my mom, Jersey, and I drove to California to spend the weekend at Disneyland. And, as if that wasn't enough, my s ister flew down from the Bay Area, Jersey's sister flew in from Albany (where she's attending college), and Jersey's best friend drove down from LA. The six of us exhausted ourselves, but we all had a blast!

One of my favorite parts of the weekend was when we went to dinner on Sunday night. I had decided to pick a restaurant outside of Disneyland so that my best friend and her husband would be able to meet up with us. With her there, we had our wedding party intact:

Her sister (second from left) is her maid of honor; my sister (second from right) is mine. Her best friend (far left) is her bridesmaid; my best friend (far right) is mine. It was great to have everyone meet at least once before all the actual wedding stuff.

My entire birthday celebration was terrific and I look forward to rocking the next ten years! Whooooo hooooooo!

Ten Things Tuesday

2009-02-10T13:46:00.001-08:00

Ten Random Things (because too many things are jumping around in my head for me to be more specific)

1. Facebook has been freaky, but fun. I've found lots of people from middle school and high school (12-15 years ago!); it's interesting to see who is married and who has kids. I think my best connection so far has been with a former friend who moved away when we were 10. It was just so random and there's a chance he will be visiting Vegas next month, so we may be able to see each other after 20 years.

2. I am dragging my ass right now because I'm sick with a cold that totally caught me by surprise on Sunday night/Monday morning. I refuse to let it ruin my big day tomorrow...in fact, if it attempts to ruin my day, I will drown it in Captain Morgan.

3. What is my big day tomorrow? My 30th birthday! I love my birthday in the most boring of years, so I am super excited about this one. I plan to enter my 30s happy and confident, and I look forward to all that will come my way in the next decade (a wife, babies, a new home, etc.). Tomorrow I will enjoy breakfast with my mom, some work and birthday cake at the office and at home, and a happy hour celebration with Jersey, my mom, friends, and coworkers. Oh, and I may be wearing a tiara or something all day. I'm goofy like that.

4. I have been exceptionally lazy about working out for a few months now, and it shows. There is no excuse and I know I need to take control of my body. So, last week, Jersey and I returned to the gym. On Saturday, my mom and I resumed our yoga practice (though we went back to the beginning class to get a refresher). I'm glad I'm getting back to exercising and I will be eating better as well. Here's to being bikini ready by June 1st!

5. Seriously, I want to stop sneezing now.

6. Warning: Rant Ahead. Ok, this is actually a short rant, given how many things I could say about this situation, but I think most of it has been said by now. The father of the octuplet mom (the grandfather of the babies) is defending the situation by saying that "it's God's wish". Um, no. It's not. I'm not knocking fertility treatments; hell, Jersey and I will need help to have babies of our own. But that's science, not God.

7. Does anyone have any hints for making sushi at home? I mean, I have Sushi for Dummies and the basic equipment. Are there any hints that I might be missing? I'll be attempting this in about 2 weeks and I'm a little nervous about messing it up, though I figure we can order pizza if things go terribly wrong. That's the nice thing about experimenting with a laid-back crowd.

8. If there are any Paula Poundstone fans reading this, just remember one thing if you ever go see her live...don't draw attention to yourself or you run the risk of her teasing you. Jersey and I went to see her perform on Friday night (we've seen her before, too). A few people, including Jersey, got up in the middle of the show to use the restroom, but she left them alone. Usually, I have a SUPER bladder, but damn if those beers didn't go right through me at the wrong time! I got up and, sure enough, Paula decided to notice. I became part of her show for a few minutes and it was surreal. Admittedly, it was all harmless and fun, but I'm not really the spotlight type of girl.

9. Jersey and I think our kitten, Max, may be deaf. He just doesn't respond properly to noise. There are times when he seems to jump at a sudden sound, but just as often, he looks around like he's totally lost. Hell, our glass coffee table came crashing down a few weeks ago and he didn't budge. I guess we should ask the vet to check that out. Of course, I'm sure the fact that he runs into walls all the time doesn't help. He sure is adorable, though!

10. I love Dunkin Donuts, but I want to know what is holding up construction on the new location right down the street from me. They've had the "Coming Soon" sign up for months and keep saying that it will be open in about two weeks. That would be great, except that Jersey and I stopped by and looked in the window; there is absolutely nothing happening in there. In the meantime, I have to drive in the opposite direction of my office to get my caffeine fix. Come on! Open this one up!

Not Under a Rock Anymore

2009-02-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big "people person", despite what most people might think. I get along with others and enjoy spending time with friends/family/coworkers, but I don't usually get super close to many people. And as I move through schools, jobs, etc., I just don't tend to keep in touch with anyone. It's not that I have a falling out with these people, I just move on and they become part of my past. There are a few exceptions, but not many.

This tendency has been obvious to me for years, and I'm not sure if I would necessarily consider it a fault. I do, however, recognize that there is something pretty cool about long-lasting relationships and I admire people who have friends they've known forever. I also do think a lot about the people who have come and gone in my life, and I wonder what they are doing now. So, after all this time, I've finally decided to join Facebook. In all fairness, I should credit Jersey with pushing me over the edge; she joined and I figured I might as well take the same leap.

In the few days I've been on Facebook, I've had a blast looking though the list of people who have joined my middle school and high school groups (I am having trouble locating a general group for my university). It's so strange that we're all grown up now! I've become "friends" with a a few coworkers and family members, and I've reached out to a couple of people from very different times in my life. It's all a little strange, but I'm having fun with it.

I can also sense lots of my own insecurities as I find names of people I haven't seen in 15-20 years. There are a ton of people I would love to contact, but I worry that I'll be "that person" that causes them to roll their eyes and click "ignore". Or maybe they won't remember me (though I have an unusual name and it probably stands out). Plus, some of them were the popular, pretty ones and I always felt like a bit of an imposter growing up along side them. Still, I am genuinely interested in where their lives have taken them and I may take the chance of sending out these goofy friend invites.

Oh, and then there's the guy I had a crush on when I was 8 and he was 14. He was always super sweet to me, considering that I had to be one hell of an annoyance to a high school kid. Saying hi to him could be hilarious!

For those of you on Facebook, has it been a generally positive experience? Any cool stories about connecting with old friends? If you're not on Facebook, what's stopping you?

The Handholders Guide to Jamaica

2009-01-31T12:48:00.000-08:00

While I admit that I've been quite lazy about posting here in the past couple of months, I will excuse myself for my absence from 1/17-1/24. The reason? I was in Jamaica! So, without further ado, here's more about my Jamaican vacation...

Jersey and I arrived on Saturday afternoon after about about 16 hours of travel (including two flights, a layover, customs, and a shuttle ride). Just a note to some of our fellow travelers: we understand that this process can be a pain, but please pull the stick out of your ass, chill the fuck out, and realize that some of your bad vacation karma may be due to your shitty attitude. We were appalled at how rude some people could be in such beautiful and friendly place.

Quick note: These pics were all taken on the one cloudy day. Most days were actually beautiful and sunny, we just forgot to take pics those days.

Our room was part of "the Quad", which surrounded the clothing optional pool. The room featured a mirror on the ceiling, a jetted tub, and windows that opened to the common area. Here is the room:

And the view from our window:

This pool is where we sunbathed almost every day after our nice buffet breakfast (made-to-order omelets, fresh fruit, crispy bacon, smoothies...). Again, it was clothing optional, so I was totally okay with wearing absolutely nothing. We did spend one day at the resort's nude pool, just to say we did it, but this pool was more convenient and quiet. We read (I got through 3 1/2 books!) and drank lots of rum from the swim-up bar. Wonderful.

Lunch was usually spent at the buffet, where they had daily activities or contests for guests. Jersey loved the sandwiches at the buffet, though I really liked the jerk chicken and pork at the Jamaican restaurant. Plus, the Jamaican restaurant had this view:In the afternoon, I usually took a nap...sun, food, and rum make me tired! We also went kayaking (and forgot the camera that day), walked along this boardwalk:

Rested in this hammock:

Read while on this beach:

Went down this waterslide (it even goes through the disco):

Shot pool in the pool:

And got a massage in this bungalow(ish) area:

At night, we had dinner at the buffet, the Italian restaurant (which was a little disappointing), or the Japanese restaurant. Each night was a different theme, so lots of people dressed up (pirate, retro, toga, etc.), but the only night for which we dressed up was lingerie night. We hit both the piano bar and disco that night, but we're not used to staying up late, so we didn't party for very long. The other nights were spent quietly in our room, holding each other tight.

Oh, the "handholders" part of this post title comes from a woman who saw us on our way to dinner one evening. Jersey and I were holding hands and we passed a small group gathered near the pool. This woman noticed and said "it's about time two women held hands around this place" and everyone nodded in agreement. From that point on, we were called "the handholders" by that group of friends and we thought it was cute.

So, those are the Jamaican vacation highlights. It was wonderful to relax (no phone! no computer!) for a week and we look forward to doing it again in a few years. Given the wedding planning, we know it will take a while to do something as big as this again (even our honeymoon will be relatively simple), but it was incredibly special.

Anyone else have big vacation plans for the near future?

Pop Quiz, Hot Shot

2009-01-29T16:41:00.000-08:00

So, I've pretty much sucked at blogging lately, and I really do want to get into some sort of posting rhythm. Nothing terribly forced, but at least something more regular. I was on vacation all of last week (so I'm excused from that portion of my absence), and I will definitely be posting all about that this weekend. In the meantime, Mrs. Chili has sent me some thought-provoking interview questions, so I will consider her my kick in the ass. Yay!

1. You've found the love of your life, but you didn't get there by a direct route (though, to be fair, how many of us do?) How did you know Jersey was the One?

Most simply stated, my relationship with Jersey is completely unlike the failed relationships of my past and that contrast made it terribly evident that this is what love is supposed to be. It's natural, pure, and unconditional. Also, everyone around us seemed to know we were in love before we knew...and that makes me realize that I wasn't clouded with over-analysis along the way. I truly like her as much as I love her, and I treasure our friendship as much as our physical relationship.

2. Look back on your childhood. What about the person you are as an adult would surprise that little girl? How are you different than you imagined you'd be?

Well, this is going to sound rather egotistical, but I never thought I would be considered attractive (by myself or anyone else) and I have become very comfortable with my body and femininity. Growing up, I was "the smart one" and "little miss perfect". I was responsible and mature and all that good stuff. Now, as much as I value being a good person on the inside, I admit that I like feeling good about my appearance. Appreciative looks (not stares) are, well, appreciated. I'm still smart and kind and funny, but I can be pretty, too. There's nothing inherently wrong about that.

I'm on the left. The little nerd with the cute sister.

Still on the left. Still have a cute sister.

3. You've got a weekend COMPLETELY off - no commitments, no obligations, no appointments. What are you going to do with yourself for two whole days?

I suppose that this depends slightly on how far we take the fantasy...do I also have extra spending money? If so, I'm probably headed for Southern California for the weekend or up to the Bay Area to visit my sister. If it's just a normal weekend with my existing bank account, I'm going to sleep in, play some old-school Nintendo, watch a movie or some tv show on dvd, read, take a bubble bath, and go out for dinner (which will involve cocktails or wine), and cuddle with Jersey. In all fairness, most of my weekends are close to this. I usually do a little bit of work from home on the weekend, but other than that I'm free to relax a decent amount. Until I have children, I figure I might as well be somewhat selfish with my down time.

4. What's your superpower, your hidden talent, your gift to the world?

This was hard for me to answer. I really don't know and I'd have to poll my friends and family for help. For now, I'll say that I'm really good at remembering numbers...phone numbers, birthdays, etc. I got it from my dad and it's a little freaky at times that I can recite info about kindergarten classmates that I haven't seen in over 15 years. Jersey is excited about this talent because she has a HUGE Irish Catholic family and has trouble remembering who half of them are, let alone dates and other details.

5. What's your guilty pleasure (or, alternately, what do you love that you're not terribly out loud about? What do you dig that's really NOT mainstream or cool)?

This was difficult for a different reason...I came up with a few answers and had to pick one. I've decided that one guilty pleasure can stay private, one isn't that bad and I'll reveal it when it occurs in a few weeks, and I'll discuss the third now. I am a big fan of musicals and have great difficulty sitting still while watching any of them on dvd (I'm not an ass who will disrupt theaters or anything live). Basically, if I put in a dvd of any musical, I will be up and performing songs. I may stand on furniture and sing into a hairbrush, spatula, or candle. I may even dance, depending on the musical. It's silly and I'd probably be horrified if anyone outside my family saw it, but I have this star inside me just dying to get out. My favorites include The Sound of Music (I'm madly in love with Christopher Plummer) and Rent.

Ten Things Tuesday

2008-12-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've been a blog slacker lately, but I did have a wonderful holiday weekend. I sincerely hope that all of you enjoyed your holiday, whatever you may celebrate!

Ten Things From This Holiday Season:

1. My slow-roasted turkey - This was my first time hosting the holidays and I was very excited to try a slow-roast recipe that I received from a message board acquaintance. I started it late on the 23rd, babysat it overnight, and it was done the afternoon of the 24th. I apologize for not taking a picture; I don't think there would've been time before my mom started inhaling all the skin. It was incredible, though, and it was a shame to pull it apart to add to my homemade chili (which was also incredible). Next year, I believe we will switch the order, so that we do the turkey/stuffing/potatoes/fruit salad/veggies on Christmas Eve and the turkey chili on Christmas Day. Mmmm.

2. Five stockings - Our holiday was relatively simple, given that the only attendees were my mom, my sister, Jersey, Max (the kitten), and me. What I love is that it was a little bigger than last year's gathering of three, and it was my first Christmas with the love of my life.3. The newest addition - Max, our proposal kitten, handled all of the chaos quite well. I did my best to ease him into everything...I started with the around-the-house decorations, added the tree skirt and stand, added the tree, then added the ornaments. He inspected everything, but didn't get into too much trouble. He was also spoiled with attention and had lots of fun with his new laser pointer. I think Max's only complaint would be the holiday sweater that my sister put on him. Poor guy.

4. The slightest hint of a white Christmas - On Christmas night, probably around 9:00 or so, my mom left my house to return to her own. We closed the door behind her, just to have her knock at it a few moments later. She giggled and waved us outside to see the little snow flurries that were floating toward the ground. It really wasn't much (especially compared to the stuff that actually stuck the week before), but the timing was nice.

5. Presents - Ok, this picture isn't great (none of them are...they're cell phone pics and I don't even have a spiffy cell phone), but there are a LOT of gifts under that tree. It would look even more impressive if not for the large number of "envelope gifts", including some gift cards and IOUs. One of the biggest hits: a console that combines the original Nintendo and Super Nintendo, and an assortment of used games (all of the Super Marios, Zelda, etc.) to be played on the console. Quite a blast to the past.

6. Christmas movies - As an early Christmas present to each other, Jersey and I bought a 47" LCD HDTV in mid-December. We've certainly watched lots of NFL football on it since then, but this was our first time watching DVDs and it was nice to have my mom and sister there for the fun. Our movies of choice? It's a Wonderful Life, Holiday Inn, White Christmas, and Love Actually.

7. A break from work - Well, I don't really have a strict work schedule, but I do stick to the normal office hours for the most part. Having the office officially closed at noon on Christmas Eve and all day on Christmas and the day after, meant that I could avoid work guilt-free... and nobody even called my cell phone to bug me! My mom had that time off as well (and she is actually required to be there during office hours; she's salaried, I'm not) and my sister was on her vacation. Jersey did have to work on the 24th, 26th, and 27th, but it wasn't too bad.

8. Holiday cards - I really love receiving holiday cards and it was fun to display them in this way (I put the picture cards on the fridge). I'm horrendous at doing any sort of keep-in-touch, thinking-of-you thing, but I'd really love to send out cards next year. Maybe my sister can take a nice picture of Jersey, Max, and me. It would help me develop the habit before we have kids and could be fun.

9. Christmas music - I can't stand the stations that start playing 24 hours of Christmas music in early November, but once Thanksgiving has passed, I am all over the holiday CDs! I absolutely love Martina McBride's and I made myself a good mix CD this year. With few exceptions, I love the slower carols more than the upbeat ones and O Holy Night is definitely my favorite.

10. Jersey's birthday - I know this isn't technically part of the holidays, but it ranks high in this household. Jersey's special day was on Sunday and we started with some homemade eggs benedict. Then she opened up her gifts and we watched four great NFL games. Finally, we surprised her by taking her bowling (where we could also watch the Chargers/Broncos game) and then played pool for a couple of hours. She doesn't like a lot of hoopla for her birthday, so she enjoyed the simplicity of it all. Yay!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

Snow on palm trees?!?

Desert Snow

2008-12-15T17:31:00.001-08:00

While I am grateful that I do not live in an area that faces severe winter weather on a regular basis (and I am sending lots of warm thoughts for those of you stuck in it), I do appreciate when it's chilly enough to cuddle up in a big sweater with a cup of coffee and a book. I don't particularly celebrating Christmas in warm weather; it just doesn't feel like the right kind of mood. Here in Vegas, we had been facing near-record highs for much of the fall, so I was thrilled to see that there was a cold front moving our way. And this morning...Jersey grabbed my hand and took me to stand outside in the snow! No, we're not new to the cold, white stuff (she was born and raised in NJ and I spent my college years in CT), but it's fun when it's not a common thing. The last time I saw this much snow in Vegas was five or six years ago.

This first picture was taken as I faced the front of my house. The next three pics are all from my neighborhood.

Now, I'm off to snuggle under a blanket and finish the second book in the Twilight series. I hope all of you are safe and sound!

Holiday Food

2008-12-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

After a wonderful vacation weekend in California and a busy few days back at home, I'm finally sitting still long enough to post here. I (sort of) apologize for being away, but I expect more of it throughout the holiday season. It's a crazy, fun time and I plan to enjoy it as much as possible.

Recently, I have been in an incredibly domestic mindset...lots of redecorating, cleaning, etc. Along with that has come the desire to experiment with cooking. I don't consider myself to be bad in the kitchen; if I am given a recipe, I can follow it properly. I am just not the type who can whip something up out of whatever is in the kitchen, nor do I branch out much from those recipes with which I am familiar. That's changed lately as I find new ideas I want to try, and it helps that Jersey will eat almost anything I put in front of her.

For Thanksgiving, I made a butternut squash soup (and some desserts, but those weren't new to me). I had never made any kind of soup before, so it was definitely a different experience. So, how did it turn out? Well, I'd say it was not horrible, but nothing great. It was too watered-down and the pureed squash was slightly grainy. I did like the flavor, though, and I learned what to change for next time, so I consider it a general success. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

So, all of this leads me to Christmas...and what I plan to try next. I have lots of ideas bouncing around in my head (I love to eat and I'm a big planner, so I'm almost giddy right now), so I thought I'd toss them out to all of you and see if any of you have gut reactions to them:

Turkey - Kind of traditional, but shortly after Thanksgiving, I read a wonderful slow-roast turkey recipe that guarantees that the meat will fall off the bones in lots of messy glory. I'm not sure I can wait a year to try it out, so Christmas may be perfect. There are only going to be four of us, I think, but Jersey and I are willing to eat turkey leftovers for days!

Christmas Eve - First of all, I called all rights to host Christmas Eve at my house YEARS ago. Seriously, I always wanted to host Christmas Eve once we were grown up with families of our own. We may not be totally there yet, but I think it would be nice to start a new, slightly different tradition this year. I'm still open to fun meal ideas (I read about one family that does pancakes and bacon on Christmas Eve), but so far I came up with...homemade chili! Seriously, I think it's just a tiny bit quirky, and it would be fun to curl up on the sofas with a bowl of chili and a classic Christmas movie.

Day-Old Turkey on Christmas Day?!? - Ok, I want to do the turkey and I want to do the chili. What would be super yummy? Chili with chunks of fresh turkey in it! If I time it right, I can have the turkey done early on the 24th, and then I can make the chili and let it cook for a while. We'll enjoy a wonderful new tradition and then we'll have lots of leftover turkey for Christmas Day. It's a little odd, but it's not like day-old turkey is anything bad and it takes some pressure off of the rest of the meal prep. Basically we can just cook all of the side dishes (and a small roast if my mom wants it) and we'll be good to go!

Dessert - I'm thinking chocolate lave cakes and macaroons.

Adult Beverages - One year, I made hot s'mores shots, with crushed graham cracker rims and mini marshmallows. Last year I drank Captain & Coke most of the day and had Captain & eggnog for dessert. We'll see what happens this year, but I think it might be fun to try a new cocktail.

Any feedback?

Ten Things Tuesday

2008-11-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

(Note: This was done yesterday, but due to technical difficulties, it got posted this morning)

I am not in the most cheery of moods at the moment, due to my frustration with (ok, I'm really pissed off at) the "CEO" at my workplace. I've been fighting an uphill battle for respect and got smacked down today, but I want to consciously focus on turning my attitude around in the spirit of the holiday weekend. I will vent plenty about work next week, but for now I choose to be grateful instead.

Ten Things For Which I am Thankful

1. My Family - I don't generally do these TTT lists in any particular order, but I do feel that I should put my family at the top of this one. No matter what may come my way, I will always have my family. Even my dad, who has been gone nearly ten years, still counts because he is part of me (and he sends pigeon soldiers after me a LOT). My mom has often said to me "I may not agree with your decision, but I love and support you anyway" and my sister, while not using that exact quote, has illustrated the same sentiment. Plus, neither of them say "I told you so", and I've deserved that more than once.

2. My Friends - I don't have many close friends; I really never have. I have acquaintances with whom I enjoy spending time, but I've never been the social type and I let people phase in and out of my life pretty smoothly. The few friends I do have, however, are people that would drop everything to be with me this very second if I needed them to be. I also have a handful of online friends, both in the blogosphere and on a message board I have frequented for a few years, so they deserve their own special acknowledgment.

3. My Job - Yeah, I'm having a tough time with a few issues and this may not be my dream job, but I know how fortunate I am to have a job that pays the bills and allows me to have some fun. Plus, I have a flexible schedule and I work with my mom, so I do smile a lot more than I have at other jobs. I plan to use some of my flexibility to work on my writing in the upcoming year.

4. Orgasms - Hey, if Mrs. Chili can say it, so can I! :) Seriously though, last Thanksgiving, I never imagined that I would have the emotionally and physically amazing relationship that I have with Jersey. She and I were simply friends, coworkers, and roommates...and now we are planning our wedding. Before she came along, part of me thought I deserved the shitty relationships that I had. Now I feel strong, safe, and incredibly sexy. I look at her and see my future.

5. My Money Market Account - Why am I thankful for this account? Because last year I didn't have it. In fact, I was still in the midst of (a largely self-induced) financial hell. A single bean burrito at Taco Bell was out of the realm of possibilities. I would ask my mom for a roll of toilet paper. Those samples of toothpaste and hotel shampoos were all I had. I'd scrape together change just to pay the bills. But through it all, I stayed current on my mortgage and car payment and have built myself back up. This summer, I opened up a money market account and I make at least two sizable deposits in it each month.

6. My Health - This includes all things mental and physical. I have remained emotionally strong since going off of my antidepressants almost five years ago and my body has forgiven me for the physical damage. While I have gotten a little soft and squishy over the past year, I am confident that I can regain my healthy body with some hard work and self-control.

7. My Self-Awareness - For the most part, I know my strengths and I know my faults. When I take any of those personality profile test thingys, I can pretty accurately predict the results. At this point in my life, I feel like my awareness gives me a couple of advantages: I can use my natural talents and proclivities in work and at home, and I can improve upon my weaknesses while not being forced to be something I'm not. It's taken me nearly 30 years to get to a stage at which I am very comfortable.

8. My Well-Roundedness - My mom has told me that this was a big focus of hers as my sister and I were growing up. She didn't want to raise one-dimensional children, so we were exposed to a lot of different things. As a result, I am comfortable grabbing pizza before a baseball game or savoring king crab legs before a Broadway musical. I don't make many judgment calls about things I've never tried. I am open to new experiences and ideas, and I am grateful for that gift.

9. Jersey's Family and Friends - I know how lucky I am that my family and friends are so supportive of my relationship with Jersey...but how awesome is it that her family and friends are just as supportive? We have twice the love and acceptance and it reaches all the way to our grandparents' generation. I knew that my family would embrace Jersey, but I never dreamed that I would be so welcomed by hers. I know our union will be more than a joining of just two people.

10. My Car - Because it is now, officially, MY car. I was able to pay it off about eight months early and now I can take the car payment money and save it up. I had originally planned to get a new car in the next year or two, but then I did the math and realized what I could save if I keep it just a few extra years. It's a fun car in good condition, so there's no reason to be silly about it. I may treat myself to the installation of a 6-CD changer, but that's about it.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Jersey and I are driving to California to spend the weekend with family (my mom and sister will meet us there). We will also be attending my high school best friend's wedding on Friday. Whoo hoo! See you all next week!

How Do You Spell Relief?

2008-11-24T18:10:00.001-08:00

K-I-T-C-H-E-N

Finally, my kitchen is back to normal. If you read my kitchen hell post from a couple of months ago, you may remember that it looked like this:

My repairs were supposed to last 2-3 weeks. In my own head, I translated that to a month. I am not at all thrilled that it took nearly two months and I'm grateful that everyone around me survived it. As much as I love my mom, I'm glad that I don't have to drive to her house every night for dinner (and my wallet is glad that I don't have such an easy excuse to hit happy hour). Jersey and I went grocery shopping this weekend and were able to fill our refrigerator and cupboards; I never thought I'd be so excited about that. I also decided to go ahead and get a new dishwasher, as long as the old one was already out, and I upgraded my countertop as a treat to myself.

The repairs got me onto a slight home improvement kick, so I have painted my home office (the use of which is about to increase dramatically - more on that in an upcoming post) and the downstairs bathroom. The living room and master bedroom will be painted, hopefully, by the end of the year. I also just slipcovered my living room furniture and got all new bedding for our bed. I will take pictures of all of it once everything is finished! YAY!

Any fun projects going on in your house?

Ten Things Tuesday (Edited)

2008-11-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

At the request of my sister, here is an update on the new kitten; she insists on call him Saki, though his name is Max. He's been with us for a little over two weeks now and he's adjusting quite well.

Ten Things We've Learned About Max

1. He loves the shower. We haven't let him in it when it's running full blast, but while we're in the shower, he cries to be let in and tries to open the door. At first, we thought that he just wanted to be near us, but the second we open the door to reach for towels, he jumps into the shower and spends about five minutes inside. Then, he gets out and shakes off his paws (it's funny watching him do the Hokey Pokey)...about a minute later, he jumps back in for round two. Yep, he takes two "showers" after each one of ours. Every day.

2. He hasn't figured out how to slow down or control his little body. He just runs full speed around the house and then...SMACK! Right into dressers, tables, the wall, etc. He has a little bump/cut above his eye, which we figure is from one of his fits of excitement. Could this be a plot to get Kitty Protective Services after us?!?

3. He talks. All the time. He talks when he wants something or just when he wants to hear himself. He talks as he's scratching an itch and he talks when he is cleaning his face (which is hilarious). I especially love when he talks while also purring loudly; it comes out as a vibrato meow. I don't like when he talks while I am sleeping.

4. He likes to drink. Ok, not really (don't call KPS on us!), but I thought it was funny when he kept reaching for my bottle of Captain Morgan from underneath the bed. It's actually pretty funny when he tries to sniff at one of our cocktails because he doesn't like the smell at all and takes a few very quick steps back. Which leads me to #5...

5. He doesn't know how to turn around. At least not very well. When he wants to go a different direction, he goes into reverse and then angles his body from there. It looks like a car pulling out of a parking space or something.

6. He likes the toy that Crazy Lady (formerly known as FMIL) bought for him better than any of the toys that we bought. I figure this is how our future children will be as well; the toys from grandma will be WAY better than toys from mommy. I won't take anything too personally, though, since he also loves zippers and shoelaces.

7. He enjoys watching football on Sundays. And his favorite seat is directly in front of me, blocking a portion of the screen. Good thing he's small.

8. He gets in the way of properly making the bed. You see, we have a down comforter and a duvet cover, so after we washed the cover, it had to be put back on. He didn't agree with that plan, so he jumped inside the duvet cover. I guess he didn't agree with that either, because he pretty much flipped out once he was inside. It was all pretty interesting, but we took him back out because we don't like a lumpy bed.

9. He likes exploring our closets, more so than anything in the entire house. I've taken to calling him Lola, since I have no doubt he'd crawl right into our clothes if we let him. And I just like singing the song.

10. As much as he may be a handful, he's so adorable when he sleeps. Peaceful Max seems to make me forget Wet/Insane/Loud/Drunk/Lazy/Cross-Dressing Max.

Edit: Apparently, Max does like to drink; he just waits til we're not looking. We heard a suspicious noise downstairs and found a little surprise.

Meme Monday

2008-11-17T10:12:00.000-08:00

Mrs Chili tagged me (well, she tagged everyone) for a quick and easy picture meme. The instructions were to publish the sixth picture from the sixth folder on my computer. However, like Mrs. Chili, I cheated slightly in the name of privacy. In my case, the sixth picture was of two of Jersey's friends and I haven't asked them for permission...plus, they aren't really friends of mine and I don't have much to say about them. To put it as simply as possible, these two girls are the very antithesis of Jersey and me in behavior and personality. Instead, I chose the sixth picture from the bottom of the sixth folder:

This picture was taken by Jersey when we were in Santa Cruz, CA on Labor Day. We were visiting my sister for the weekend, and she took us down to the Boardwalk for a day of gluttonous fun.

I grew up near the beach in Southern California, but did not appreciate it near as much as I do now that I live four hours away from it. After spending my first 18 years in California, I moved to Connecticut for college, then settled down in Vegas after I graduated. My decision at the time was based largely on affordability...I was able to purchase a condo when I was only 23, and in CA I would've been sharing an apartment with roommates for the same amount of money. I've been in Vegas for over seven years now, but I still think of CA as home. I miss it terribly and love to visit whenever I can. And now that Jersey and I are planning our future, we've talked about moving to the coast...

The thing is, I am too logical and the affordability thing still gets to me. In a few years, we will be able to buy a gorgeous home here and the mortgage will be about half of what we would have to pay in CA. We want (not need, want) a home with approximately 3000 sq. ft., built within the last few years, with an office, guest room, three other bedrooms (master + two rooms for the future kids), a game room/loft, and a pool. In Vegas, that is very reasonable for our price range and we shouldn't have much trouble finding something perfect. In CA, there's just no way. We could find something okay, but not what we really want. Hell, for the difference in the mortgage payment alone, we'd be able to afford regular weekend trips to CA, and I just think that may be the way to go.

There are LOTS of other pros and cons on both sides of this debate (families,friends, jobs, Prop 8, proximity to things we like to do, etc.) and it's not something we have to solve right this second, so it's just floating around in our heads for now. Til then, I will enjoy the picture.

My Future Mother-In-Law

2008-11-13T12:53:00.000-08:00

I apologize for my recent hiatus, but I will defend myself by saying that I wasn't just ignoring you; I was spending lots of quality time with my future mother-in-law. She lives is New Jersey and had never traveled further west than Ohio. Plus, she hadn't been on an airplane in about ten years, so she got to learn all sorts of new rules and regulations! Anyway, it was a blast having her stay with us for almost a week and I hope that this becomes an annual trip because I loved seeing Jersey and her mom so happy. Actually, we're hoping that once Jersey's sister graduates from her East Coast University, we can convince both mom and sister to move out here. :)

FMIL (hmm, she needs a better name than that) arrived last Wednesday night and, with the time difference, it was late for her and definitely bedtime. We did, however, get to introduce her to Max, give her a tour of our home, and show off Jersey's ring.

I had to work on Thursday, at least for most of the day, so Jersey took FMIL to see the Hoover Dam (and they went into Arizona, so that FMIL got to "visit" two states on this trip!). They also drove past the juvenile detention center so that she could see where Jersey works, even though they couldn't actually go inside for security reasons. I left work a little bit early and the three of us went to a bar for happy hour and the Browns/Broncos game.

Fortunately, on Friday I didn't have a ton of work to do, so I wrapped everything up in a couple of hours while Jersey and FMIL took Max to his first vet appointment (well, first with us anyway). He was exceptionally well-behaved and they even brought him into my office for a quick visit with my coworkers. Oh, and they brought three dozen Krispy Kremes. Mmmm. After leaving work, we drove down to the Strip and walked. A lot. No, really, a LOT. It was awesome doing that with someone who hadn't ever been to the Strip...I get pretty blah about the whole thing, just because it's so accessible to me. Jersey and I also took FMIL to the restaurant at which we used to work (where we met...awwww) and found out some personally funny news...my ex, Goodfella (yes, he's male...I will do a past relationship blog post at some point to clarify a few things), has a new baby. Very interesting timing given when we broke up. Anyway, he has no idea that I know about the baby, though he's an idiot for telling so many people and thinking that I wouldn't find out. Tonight, Jersey and I are having drinks with him because he wants to toast our engagement. I plan to surprise him with a toast to his child. The look on his face will be priceless. Yes, I'm a tiny bit evil.

Saturday, Jersey had to work at her other job (at a local bar), so I spent the day with FMIL. I was admittedly nervous, worried about the possibility of staring at each other for hours with nothing to say. Everything went great, though! I took her on a drive through Red Rock Canyon and then we went out to Lake Las Vegas, which is a man-made oasis with a small village of shops and restaurants around it. The weather was warm for November, so we really enjoyed walking around outside and getting to know more about each other. Eventually, we headed home to rest up before Jersey got back from work.

Later that evening, the three of us met up with my mom at a new(ish) place that has become quite a Vegas hotspot. It's an outdoor shopping center with a huge movie theater and lots of phenomenal restaurants and it has become our "go-to" place to take visitors. Jersey and I were both a little scared about having our moms bond over dinner, but that went as well as everything else. Seriously, if our families get along (and, really, there's no reason they shouldn't) it just makes things so much more pleasant.

Sunday I wasn't feeling too great, so I took it pretty easy. We did go look at some model homes in one of the huge new-home communities here, which I always love to do. I give the sales agents my business card and talk shop...then they leave me alone so we can tour ourselves. Perk of my job, I suppose. Anyway, FMIL fell in love with one home and took the brochures back to Jersey with her; Jersey and I revisited the home we hope to purchase a few years down the road, once it becomes a resale. After we got home, I rested in bed and did some work on my laptop while they went back to the Strip to see a few things that we had missed on Friday.

Monday was FMIL's last full day in town, but we took it pretty easy. I went to work, they went back to Red Rock Canyon and then briefly checked out Downtown, and then we did one last yummy dinner together. We were all pretty worn out by then, so it was an early night.

Tuesday morning, we got up and took FMIL to the airport. She was sad to leave, but Jersey will be going back east next month to visit before the holidays. Oh, and FMIL said that she got lots of pictures of Max and just a couple of us, which I figure is a good indicator of what it will be like when we have children! Anyway, she had a safe flight home, we settled down in the quiet, and everything is back to our normal routine.

Wordless Wednesday - A Kiss

2008-11-12T14:51:00.001-08:00

Ten Things Tuesday

2008-11-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

Ten Great Patriotic Songs:

1. America The Beautiful - Possibly the "prettiest" of the songs on this list. It's pure and can stir a lot of emotion in me when done well. This brings up a HUGE pet peeve of mine: Patriotic songs are special and should not be turned into some fancy schmancy chance for a singer to show off creativity. Sing it the way it was written. These songs are classic and fucking with them strikes me as disrespectful. Oh, and this rule also applies to Christmas carols.

2. I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy - This song cracks me up and I don't even know why. It's just fun. I'm not sure I could sing it without smiling.

3. Battle of New Orleans - Ok, this is a sentimental thing. My mom used to sing this when I was little and it made me really excited when I got to middle school and learned about the Battle of New Orleans. I felt like I was a step ahead of the rest of the class!

4. Some Gave All - Yes, I know that a lot of you don't like (hate?) country music. And believe me, I am not a Billy Ray Cyrus fan in any way, shape, or form. I really love this song though and it gives me chills. If you can't stand the thought of listening to it, at least check out the lyrics.

5. America (My Country Tis of Thee) - More so than a lot of the other songs on this list, this one sends me straight back to elementary school assemblies, where we used to sing a patriotic song after reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Are schools allowed to do that anymore?

6. This Land is Your Land - Ah, what a nice idea. All across this great country of ours, with all of the differences, we could actually share and respect each other. Hmmm.

7. Yankee Doodle - So, I learned something interesting about this song when I looked it up...not that I had really thought about it one way or another. Anyway, when he sticks a feather in his cap and calls it macaroni, he's not referring to the pasta (which I probably could've guessed, though it does create a fun mental image). Macaroni was a fancy style of Italian dress, so it's basically about some average kid standing proud as if he were dressed to the nines. Cool.

8. The Star Spangled Banner - When I was a toddler, my mom took me to high school football games each week to watch my dad coach. Every time, I was super excited to hear the band play the "spaindled bainder". Oh, and my dad was adamant that players respect the Anthem by staying still and keeping their mouths shut for the entirety. That respect has stuck with me to this day and I consider the playing of our Anthem to be rather sacred.

9. Battle Hymn of the Republic - This is another song that gives me chills (I'm sensitive!). When there's a band involved, with horns and drums, it's even more powerful. I like singing it slowly and somewhat quietly...then building up to the pride and glory of it all. I just can't adequately express how much I love this song. And, yes, I know it's very religious as well, but there's just something about the freedom that gets to me.

10. Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American) and American Soldier - Technically, this brings my list to 11, but I figured I can put these two Toby Keith songs together. I love Toby Keith, but those of you who don't can look these lyrics up instead of exposing your eardrums to country music. I'll admit these songs are significantly more powerful when he does them in concert (this year they were his encore...actually, they've often been his encore). Even Jersey, who is not a country music fan, was quite moved by the emotion when she heard these songs in person.

Happy election day to everyone! GO VOTE!

Surprise(s)!

2008-11-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, while Jersey was at work, I told her I was planning a surprise for her and that it would be ready when she got home. She was a little nervous about what I might be up to, but she was a good sport when I told her to stop outside the bedroom door and close her eyes. I guided her into the middle of the room and told her she could look around. Around the room was a scratch post, a cat bed, and a couple of toys...she squealed when she realized I had adopted a kitten. The kitten in question was hiding under the bed when she first arrived, but I was able to take some pictures this morning:
After Jersey stopped squealing, I told her that the kitten was hiding under the bed and that I had taken the liberty of naming him already. She reached under the bed to pull him out and look at his tag...this is what she saw:Jersey thought it was a joke and started to giggle, but then she looked up at me and saw a ring in my hand. I got down on one knee and she fell backward onto the floor. I still don't remember if she actually ever said yes (she says she did, but I don't know), but there was an awful lot of shaking, crying, and kissing going on!
By the way, I went through a little bit of hell earlier in the day when I called Jersey's dad to ask for his blessing. I wasn't actually that freaked out about asking him, but I am terrified of the phone. It's irrational, but I can't stand the phone in the most normal of situations. This definitely didn't qualify as normal. Being the freak that I am, I wrote out exactly what I wanted to say, rehearsed it a number of times, vomited, stared at the phone for about 15 minutes, and then dialed. I caught her dad while he was grocery shopping with her four-year-old brother (not the best timing, but oh well) and went through my mini-speech. When I ended with "I would love your blessing because I would like to propose to Jersey tonight", he said "You got it." Wow, that was simple.

Much of last night and this morning was full of phone calls to excited friends and family. Oh, and the kitten's name is Max and he'll be four months old on Tuesday (he was born on July 4th!). He kept us up most of the night with his talking, but he's adjusting pretty well to his life outside the shelter. So, now Jersey and I have a kitten and a wedding to plan! Yay!

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T12:42:00.001-07:00

I love Halloween, though I will admit that Jersey and I plan to be bums tonight and avoid the craziness. We don't get any trick-or-treaters where we live, so I think we're just going to go out to dinner and a movie. However, last weekend was my company Halloween party and my mom, Jersey, and I attended it together.

When I went to buy the costumes, I knew I wanted to find some theme for the three of us. Given that my mom wanted something age-appropriate, and I am not in the best shape of my life, these zombie costumes were perfect. I was a zombie cheerleader, Jersey was a zombie prom queen, and my mom was a zombie headmistress (or something equally supervisor-like). Jersey never dreamed that she'd be dating a pom-pom girl! Ha!

The party was held at a coworker's home and the floorplan is really different (actually, Jersey and I had toured a model of a similar home a few months ago). From the entrance, the master bedroom and bathroom are half a floor below, the two other bedrooms and a bathroom are on the next floor, the kitchen and living room are on the third floor, and there is a rooftop deck on top of it all. Interesting, though I don't think I would like to live there full-time.

Ok, back to the party...this was specifically an "adult" party (though someone brought their 13-year-old anyway) with an open bar for anyone who paid for a ticket (all money went to our company charity). The cocktails were fine, but the funny stuff began when someone brought out a table, plastic cups, and ping pong balls. That's right...we played beer pong! I hadn't played beer pong since my college days, so it was actually a lot of fun to play at the party. Jersey and I played the first game against another couple and we managed to keep our competiveness in check (!?!) throughout. In all fairness, the couple was very nice and we joked around while playing. It was a relatively close game, but we beat them by a couple of cups.

Game two was interesting; I'm not sure how else to describe it. Jersey and I played against two of my coworkers and I really, really don't like them. The fact that people might consider them to be successful businesswomen makes me gag. Of course, this made the game more important than it might otherwise be, because neither one of us wanted to lose to these giggling morons. After scoring against them almost immediately, they looked at us in surprise when we told them that they had to drink the beer in the cup. Um, hello? Did you not pay attention at all during game one? Jersey wasn't in the mood to deal with them, so she offered to drink it for them. And so the game went. We'd score, we'd drink. Totally defeats the general point of the game, but it did make them look like idiots, so we were ok with it. We blew them away in the game and moved on to our last opponents of the night.

We played the final game against a coworker and the brother of another coworker. I knew they'd be tough, so it was time to get serious again. Of course, by this time, Jersey and I were seeing double, but we managed to maintain surprisingly good aim. This was the closest game, but I was able to land my ball in their final cup while we had one of our own left. Yay! I'm not sure what it says about us that we were the company beer pong champions (I would argue it had more to do with the winning part than the drinking part), but it's a title we will try damn hard to defend next year.

Other quick notes: Jersey is dressed as a pirate today. Her prom dress would've been tough to handle all day at work. I am off today (odd state holiday), so I am just wearing a Halloween shirt while I run errands. Oh, and we had a pumpkin carving contest at work yesterday. I decided to participate at the last minute, but ended up winning the $75 grand prize. My mom won the booby prize for the entry below. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Ten Things Tuesday

2008-10-28T15:50:00.001-07:00

Ugh, my internet was down all weekend, so all of my best intentions to blog went kaput! And I was incredibly angry that I waited weeks for the podcast discussion of The Stand with The Dark and Stormy Book Club, and then had to miss it. Yes, I've listened to it since and yes, I will be contributing my thoughts in the comments of that blog, but it still made me cranky. Anyway, I am back now (well, I'm at work...don't know if my home internet is fixed yet), and I figured a TTT post is an easy way to jump back in.

Ten Things I Love to Eat

1. Avocado - I've loved avocado my entire life and will add it to sandwiches, burgers, salads, and much more whenever possible. Many places add very little avocado (and it's not cheap!), but there is a sandwich place around the corner that just heaps it on. Yum! I also make a pretty nice guacamole (if I do say so myself), and I don't add a ton of stuff to it because I still want that avocado taste. And you probably don't want to hear about the time that I ordered three (yes, three) plates of the Avocado Club Egg Roll appetizer from CPK on my birthday. No, I didn't share.

2. Cheese - One of my two biggest vices. I admit that I don't have as much knowledge about different cheeses as I would like, but it's something on which I am working. I love adding extra cheese to entrees, but I also try to behave on occasion. Cheese and crackers with a bottle of wine makes quite the romantic snack.

3. Sushi - See #2 regarding my knowledge of it. I'm still very new to all things sushi, but I'm interested in learning how to roll my own. If I do learn, look for a blog post all about that adventure!

4. Kiwi - It's such a cute, yet powerful fruit. For some reason, I haven't enjoyed kiwi-flavored things as much as I would have thought, but I'll eat the real thing in a heartbeat. The thing is, I don't like biting into it when it's too cold, so I have to pull it out of the fridge and then actually remember it when it's closer to room temp. I'm bad at that whole remembering thing.

5. Peanut butter - When I was little, I used to eat peanut butter on a spoon as a treat. Seriously. I'd ask my mom for permission, dip my spoon in the jar, and then savor it for about 30 minutes. Oh, and I think that peanut butter and chocolate might be the best combination of flavors in the whole universe.

6. Ice cream - The other of my two biggest vices. Oh, and see the combination in #5 for one of my favorite flavors. I say one of my favorite flavors because I probably have 372 favorites. It's wonderful (and awful) that there is a Baskin Robbins, a Cold Stone Creamery, and a Dairy Queen in the same intersection, right down the street from my house (there was a fourth place there up until about six months ago...my withdrawals are getting better). I have so many ice cream stories that I just might be able to do an entire TTT about them!

7. Spinach - Odd, huh? I've been a spinach fan since my childhood and I'm thrilled about it because I don't like very many veggies. I love a good spinach salad, preferably one that I have created at Sweet Tomatoes or Whole Foods, and will substitute spinach for iceberg lettuce at any restaurant that will allow it.

8. Tomato soup & a grilled cheese sandwich - Ok, so this is two things, but we all know I can't do a TTT that has only ten items. Besides, I don't think they'd make the list on individual merit; this is probably the universe's second best combination after peanut butter & chocolate. I don't even care that eating it makes me look like an eight-year-old. Dipping that sandwich in the hot soup and trying not to drip it down my chin as I eat it...ok, you get the picture. Heaven.

9. Clam chowder - New England clam chowder, and not some watered-down blah version of it. Outside of New England (duh), I'm a big fan of San Francisco's N.E. clam chowder. Every now and then I come across a winner in a random restaurant, but I hesitate to order it because the quality can vary so much.

10. French or sourdough bread - Dipped in #9 would be great, but I will just as quickly eat it alone. I don't even butter my bread, I just eat it (ok, I do like to dip it in olive oil, if it's there). I've thought about being healthy and switching to whole grain something, but I'd rather be happy. At least when it comes to my bread.

Aside from the fact that I probably just disgusted Mrs. Chili with #3 and #9, does anyone want to have dinner with me?

Wordless Wednesday

2008-10-22T16:27:00.001-07:00

Ah, that's my girl! :)

Ten Things Tuesday

2008-10-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of ten songs that I can't turn off (subject to change once I drive myself crazy by replaying them over and over and over...):

1. "Baba O'Riley" (The Who) - I had to put this first on the list because I have played it more times in the past three or four months than the rest of this list combined. I even made it my ringtone. I've stopped short of watching the opening credits of CSI: NY just to hear a bit of it, but if it just happens to be on...

2. "Who Says You Can't Go Home" (Bon Jovi featuring Jennifer Nettles) - Yes, there is a regular Bon Jovi version of this song, but I like the duet with Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland. I especially like trying to sing her part of it, but I severely lack that talent.

3. "Alone" (Heart) - I've always loved this song and was fortunate enough to see Heart in concert this past summer, along with Cheap Trick and Journey. They did impressive covers of "Love Reign O'er Me" (by The Who) and "Going to California" (by Led Zeppelin), but hearing "Alone" performed live was the highlight for me.

4. "Songbird" (Eva Cassidy) - This was originally done by Fleetwood Mac (with Christine McVie), but I like the cover slightly more. I don't know if I'm a sappy romantic in general, but this song will make me gooey. I dream of walking down the aisle to it one day.

5. "Africa" (Toto) - I couldn't even begin to describe what I love about this song, but I've loved it for years. Random trivia: this was the first song I downloaded to my Ipod.

6. "That I Would Be Good" (Alanis Morissette) - This song became a mantra of mine when I was going through tough times a while back. I'd sing it in the car with hopeful tears running down my face. I printed out the lyrics and decorated the paper with pictures of goals and positive ideas, and then I framed it and hung it on my wall (along with Martina McBride's "Anyway"). It's nice to sing along with it now, looking back from beyond the black hole.

7. "Somebody to Love" (Queen) - I am a big Queen fan, so it's difficult to pick one favorite, but this is probably it. Of all of the Queen songs I have on my Ipod ("Fat Bottomed Girls", "Under Pressure"), this is the one I am most likely to repeat and least likely to skip.

8. "More Than a Feeling" (Boston) - Totally cheesy, I know, but I can't help but rock out to this song when I hear it. Ooh, and I also got to see Boston live this summer (with Styx). Anyway, I can't hit the high notes in this song, but I have fun trying!

9. "Viva La Vida" (Coldplay) - I really don't listen to much current music (cue the "kids these days" rant...ok, not really), but I caught part of this song one day and was hooked. I'll have to look into Coldplay some more. Jersey says they aren't too bad.

10. "Layla" (Derek and the Dominos) - More specifically, the piano piece at the end of the song. For the longest time, I didn't even realize that the piano part was a continuation of "Layla"; I recognized it from Goodfellas more than anything. I actually have the end downloaded, but not all of "Layla".

Honorable Mentions (because I can't stick to ten): "Patience" by Guns n Roses; a few Eagles songs including "Take It to the Limit", "The Best of My Love", and "Peaceful, Easy Feeling"; "Collide" by Howie Day, "Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen, and "Crimson and Clover" covered by Joan Jett.

Fall TV

2008-10-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't say that I watch a LOT of television (ok, well, football Sundays, yes), but I do have a handful of shows that I watch as regularly as possible. I'm actually thinking about asking for some of these on DVD for Christmas gifts. Here's a little rundown of what I'm watching right now:

The Mentalist (CBS, Tuesday) - This is the only new show that I'm watching. I had considered trying to watch Fringe, but I opted for this instead and I absolutely love it so far. The main character is a bit of an ass, which I often adore in my characters (and in real life, too). He used to be a fake psychic who fooled people simply by using his keen observation skills. Now, he assists the California Bureau of Investigation by talking to suspects, walking crime scenes, etc. Interesting.

Without a Trace (CBS, Tuesday) - I love Anthony LaPaglia. And it cracks me up that he's Australian, because he acts like an East Coast Italian. One thing I've always liked about this show is that the episodes don't always end with finding a dead body or even a real crime. Sometimes there is simply a disappearance that they must investigate and I like a good happy ending every now and then.

Law & Order: SVU (NBC, Tuesday) - While I wouldn't consider myself to be a celebrity freak, I would really like to meet and spend time talking to Mariska Hargitay. I think her Joyful Heart Foundation does tremendous good and she seems like a strong, intelligent woman. And I love Chris Meloni. Actually, I think this show has one of the best all-around casts, so I enjoy watching all of the reruns as much as I await the new episodes. I admit that I am also one of those fans who would love to see Elliot and Olivia hook up, though I understand the potential "jumping the shark" issues that would arise. How about a dream sequence of wild, passionate sex?

Criminal Minds (CBS, Wednesday) - Originally, this cast was led by Mandy "hello, my name is Inigo Montoya" Patinkin, but he left the series and was replaced. I was really worried that it would ruin the show, but it has stayed strong and I'm incredibly relieved. This show centers around my dream career of working in the Behavioral Sciences Unit of the FBI as a profiler, so I love getting lost in my own fantasy about that. Oh, and Jersey and I would like Shemar Moore to be our baby daddy.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS, Thursday) - As much as I love Anthony LaPaglia, Jersey loves William Peterson. His leaving the show this season will be tough on her, but I'm interested to see how everything else changes after he's gone. While I've watched this show sporadically over the years, I've come back to it solidly and I still love trying to figure things out before the CSIs do.

Cold Case (CBS, Sunday) - Ok, obviously I love detective/crime shows, so it's not surprising that I would like this one as well. I do enjoy the flashbacks to different eras each week, plus the music used in each episode is well-chosen. I don't have a solid favorite in this cast, so I really appreciate the ensemble. Of my list of shows, it's the one I'm least upset to miss, but I do try to catch it regularly.

***The one show that is not on this list is one of my all-time favorites, but it won't be back until after the new year. Yep, Lost. Love this shows and all of its twists and turns. My mom hasn't seen a single episode and I've suggested that she avoid as much of the talk about it as possible so that she can wait another couple of years and watch the entire thing on DVD. I am eagerly awaiting the new episodes and will be sad (albeit fulfilled) when the series finally ends.

Any favorite shows of yours that I'm missing?

Wordless Wednesday

2008-10-15T16:56:00.001-07:00

Ten Things Tuesday

2008-10-14T16:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm on the bandwagon! Now, if I could just keep to this cool blogging schedule...

This theme was, as previously mentioned, stolen from Mrs. Chili. Thank you for the great idea.

"Ten trips Jersey and I plan to take (in no particular order)"

1. Western Canada - Specifically Vancouver, though I would not object to spending enough time to see more of the area. Actually, I'd love to take a road trip through California, Oregon, Washington, Canada, Montana, and Idaho.

2. Eastern Canada - Specifically Montreal. I have been to Montreal twice and loved it very much. Though I haven't been to France, Montreal seems very much like what a mini-France might be. The cobblestone streets, french cafes, street vendors...ah, it's just pretty.

3. Boston/Cape Cod - Jersey and I have both been to these places with our families and friends, but we'd love to experience them together. Plus, I've never been to P-town and would like to check it out. I know we'd both love to be able to see the beautiful autumn leaves, so maybe a trip next October...

4. Knott's Berry Farm (CA), Magic Mountain (CA), DisneyWorld (FL) - Ok, so this would be more than one trip, but it's all the same idea. I love amusement parks! I used to have a season pass to Magic Mountain, Knott's Berry Farm is where my parents met, and DisneyWorld is the super version of Disneyland (where Jersey and I went in May and will return to in February). I've been to all three...Jersey has only been to DisneyWorld.

5. Europe, Part 1 - Italy, France, Spain. I've always heard that the people in Spain are super friendly. And I can deal with all the Italian men who will grab my ass.

6. Texas - It's probably not a place in which Jersey and I should flaunt our relationship, but I have always had a good feeling in Texas. I've kinda hopped around the state, but I'd love to do the San Antonio Riverwalk with Jersey. And I've never, ever heard a bad thing about Austin, so I'd love to spend some time there. Plus, I have family outside of Ft. Worth.

7. Europe, Part 2 - Germany, the Netherlands. I think Jersey just really wants some beer. The Netherlands has plenty of vices as well. Hmmmm.

8. Notre Dame, Cleveland, Chicago - Ok, they're not right near each other, but I think they're close enough for a reasonable road trip. Jersey's got a thing for Notre Dame and the Cleveland Browns. I'd love to see the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Once we're in the general neighborhood, we might as well head up to Chicago. I haven't been there in years.

9. Fairfield University (CT) - I graduated from Fairfield several years ago and have only been back twice since. I went through a lot while I was there, moreso than the generic college student, but I really did love it there. I'd love to walk around campus with Jersey and remember the little things that I've forgotten.

10. Europe, Part 3 - England, Scotland, Ireland, Iceland. Arguably the most important of our Europe trips. Jersey is fiercely Irish. I've got a bit of that, along with the English and Icelandic background. Of all the European jaunts, this is the personal one.

I didn't include our upcoming trip to Jamaica because, well, that's already booked and paid for! I also didn't mention the many trips we will take to Southern CA (where I'm from) or New Jersey (where she's from), since those are regular trips we take each year. But this is a fun list and I look forward to crossing each one off!

My Own Secret

2008-10-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't actually read The Secret, but from what I know about it...well...I just think it's dangerous to believe that wishing really hard for something will magically make it happen. Nothing is quite that simple. What I do think, however, is that positive (and negative) thinking can have a powerful impact on life and that once you're on the right track, the good stuff really does seem to snowball. I try to focus on my good energy because I truly believe that it can bring good energy back to me. When I relax about forcing my happiness, and instead watch my words, my attitude, and my actions, I allow the good things to enter my life.

When I broke up with The Liar, about 18 months ago, I was in a bad place. My breaking up with him was actually the best thing I had going for me at the time. But I had to deal with the fact that I had wasted three years of my life with someone I didn't trust or respect and, in the course of those three years, I had driven myself into a financial shitstorm. I was angry at myself (and beyond broke), so something had to change. It was time to refocus on the positive. All of the techniques I had neglected during that relationship (affirmations, visualizations, etc.), were part of my routine again.

Fast forward to today. It's taken time, but I really feel like everything is going great in my life. I am doing better than expected at work, and while it's not my dream job, it's a whole lot more than a lot of people have. Plus, I get to work across the hall from my mom! I still have equity in my home, despite having a first and second mortgage on it. Due to a recent windfall, I will be paying off my car eight months early. I am setting aside money every month for all of our future plans...a new car for Jersey, a wedding, babies, and a new house. Obviously, those aren't all going to be happening immediately, but it feels so great to have a plan and the ability to be financially ready when the plan unfolds.

Then, there's Jersey. I am unbelievably happy with her by my side. I know all relationships take a certain amount of effort, but it's wonderful when it doesn't feel like hard work. Being with her is the most natural thing in the world and I love her very much. She has been somewhat stressed lately because her job search has dragged out for over a year and she's had to work bartending jobs in the meantime. I know she's as eager to move forward with our goals as I am, so imagine my happiness this week when she started a new job about which she's very excited! It's a part time position for now, but it's in juvenile probation, which is ultimately what she wants to do. The way I see it, it can't hurt to have your foot in the door while you're still stuck in the middle of all the loooooong physical/written/psychological exams, background checks, interviews, etc. I hope she'll learn a lot and meet the right people, so that her career will grow from here. Yay!

So, while I sit here with all sorts of goodness around me, I will scatter some out to all of you. Take it as you need it, and then send some back out to others. It may not be magic, but it's amazingly powerful.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-10-08T20:06:00.000-07:00

(Mrs. Chili does Wordless Wednesday over at her blog, so I'm following her lead. She's pretty freakin' fantastic, so I'll be stealing other theme days from her soon enough.)

More Randomness

2008-10-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

Some of the stuff bouncing around in my head:

* My kitchen still looks the same as it did last week. I have two estimates for the repair work and will be getting another on Monday. At that point I will probably be talking to my insurance company about increasing their settlement a little bit, because the numbers aren't matching well. In the meantime, I have had an incredible urge to clean the rest of my house in depth...I'm guessing it's my way of trying to make myself feel like I am in control despite the chaos.

* This is probably my favorite time of year when it comes to professional sports. It's the baseball playoffs, football has started, and hockey is just around the corner. Yes, I am a huge Angels fan, so I won't discuss the LA/Boston series too much...I'd hate to piss off half my readership at once! I will say that my biggest issue in any competition based discussion is sportsmanship. For NFL week one, Jersey and I went to watch the games at a local bar. She and I were both wearing team jerseys, as were many others there. Some idiot felt that it was necessary to come all the way over to where we were sitting just to tell us that our team sucks and that we're assholes. Um, thanks. Anyway, in any sport, I will respect that other teams have true fans who love them, just as much as I hate them. I'm totally okay with that, but don't taunt me just to be mean. You cheer for your team, I'll cheer for mine, and we can do some friendly jabbing every now and then.

* Last night was the first time I've sat down to watch an entire debate. I have various touchy issues throughout politics, but there is one nagging question that I've had for a while. It's difficult to bring up to people because it sounds like I want to start a fight...and I really don't. I'm honestly confused and would love an explanation. What exactly is the big problem for the people who are okay with same sex "civil unions" but against same sex "marriage"? I mean, I've heard lots of people (12-15ish) who have said "Yeah, I have no problem with allowing same sex unions that entitle couples to joint insurance, hospital visitation rights, childcare decisions, etc. I just don't think that they should be allowed to get married." I guess my question is whether there is a difference beyond the vocabulary. Is it just that "marriage" implies some sort of religious union (though plenty of married couples aren't religious at all)? Is that what people are upset about? Does "civil union" imply a state decision and "marriage" imply a federal one? I just can't figure out what the difference between a "civil union" and a "marriage" is, assuming that these couples get all the rights that heterosexual couples do. Any ideas? What I am missing?

* Every day at work (well, everywhere, really) I am astonished at how many people expect everyone else to wipe their asses for them. Maybe it's that I was taught personal responsibility and other people missed that life lesson, but it's just awful that people don't make coffee after they take the last cup, don't turn it required paperwork until their paycheck is being held for it, don't pay their own annual/biannual/quarterly dues, etc. I hear excuses like "I didn't know" or "nobody told me" all day long. Seriously, how do these people not starve when they run out of groceries at home? Or do they get magical food drops from the sky? Nothing seems to be their fault...somebody else always did it to them. Ugh.

* It's still hot here in Vegas, but I am looking forward to the holidays! Thanksgiving will be spent at my grandparents' house in California. Normally we stay home, but my best friend from high school is getting married on the Friday after Thanksgiving, so Jersey and I will be in CA for that and my mom and sister decided to join us. Then, my sister is coming to Vegas for Christmas and Jersey has moved her East Coast visit up a little so that she can be here with me on Christmas, her birthday, and New Year's. Yay!

* Other assorted fun coming up: Jersey's mom is visiting at the beginning of November. I met her in July, but this will be the first time our moms are meeting each other. In fact, it's the first time my mom is meeting any family of anyone I've ever dated. Big step! I'm nervous in an excited sort of way.

In January, Jersey and I are going to Jamaica for a week. It will be a very relaxing vacation, unlike the trips we've taken where we are trying to cram a million things into a few days. Oh, and it's all-inclusive...alcohol, too! Yes, we'll behave.

I turn 30 in February! And I LOVE my birthday. Always have, always will. This February, I am planning a big party at Disneyland and we'll see if I can actually get a little group together. My aforementioned best friend lives about 15 minutes away from Disneyland and her birthday is just 12 days after mine, so maybe she and her new husband can join us. Jersey and I are in the process of trying to get her sister out here from Albany for the celebration. My sister (hopefully) will be flying down for it. My mom, of course, will be there. I've told lots of coworkers as well, and I'd love to see who can make it a big weekend of fun. For the record, if any of my (three? four?) readers would like to make some sort of family vacation out of it, I'd love to meet you. It's the three-day weekend (2/14-2/16). I'm just looking forward to wearing the special birthday Mickey ears and the huge button that says "It's my birthday".

Kitchen Hell

2008-09-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

I apologize for being somewhat MIA over the past couple of weeks, both here and in comments I'd normally leave on your blogs. I have been dealing with some chaos in my house; specifically, I had an unknown leak behind my kitchen sink, the water spread throughout my walls, mold appeared, my insurance company has been in constant contact, my kitchen was torn apart, the mold problem was remediated, and now I need repairs. Fun, huh?

This is what it looks like now (ignore the mess in the living room...the rest of the house has had to shift a little to accommodate the various workers I've had trouncing through the repair zone...and my appliances have bumped Jersey's car from the garage). At this point, I have a rebuild quote from my insurance company and I just need to find someone who can do the work for that amount of money. I'm very fortunate that everything, minus my deductible, is being paid. Nothing has come out of my pocket yet, so this could all be much worse. The first company that gave me an estimate was ridiculous, complaining that it was a ton of work (while I agree that it's not something that can be done in an afternoon, it's really just drywall, cabinets, and counters...it is NOT $7000 worth of labor). I have received referrals from coworkers, so I will be contacting those contractors asap so that this can all be done soon.

In the meantime, I have been carting my laptop back and forth from my office so that I can get some work done while also being available to all the people who have needed access to my house. I've been known to sit on the stairs and work on files while answering various questions about the damage and my home in general. The trickiest part about working in this situation is that I get horrendous reception on my cell phone when I'm downstairs, so I have to run upstairs each time my phone rings. Quite the sight, I imagine.

My mom has been more than helpful throughout all of the mess, graciously letting Jersey and me crash her kitchen after work each night and on weekends. Not that I don't like doing the take-out thing, but my waistline and wallet wouldn't be thrilled with weeks of that. In addition to giving us a place to go for meals, my mom has also been great about relaying messages to me from work (we work together, which is handy), covering for me at meetings, and dropping stuff off to me when I haven't been able to leave during the day.

Poor Jersey has been wonderful about the craziness. I know it sucks to not have a kitchen, but she's been understanding about it. Personally, I've only had one minor breakdown so far, just from the pure stress of balancing home and work. Again, I know how lucky I am that it's not a lot worse. So, that's where I've been. I will do my best to keep up with the posts and comments, but I promise that I haven't forgotten about you!

I Guess He Approves

2008-09-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

This past April, about a week before the ninth anniversary of the day my dad died, I took Jersey to the cemetery in California. I figured it would be the best way to really "introduce" them and any resulting lightning or earthquakes would clue me in to his disapproval of our relationship. If there were no natural disasters following the visit, I'd take that as tacit approval. I should probably also preface this story by saying that I don't cry or see my cemetery trips as a sad thing. It's just like I'm swinging by my dad's place to say hi and clean up a bit. I usually spend a minute catching up with his "next door neighbor", and I've been known to bring my dad a cookie.

So, on this particular day, I was in a good mood and only a tiny bit nervous about bringing Jersey. It was a gorgeous afternoon in Southern California, so we had the sunroof open and the classic rock on the radio. I pulled into the cemetery and it wasn't until I saw a gathering to my left that I realized I needed to turn down the music and close my sunroof. Don't worry, I got no glares from the funeral, so I don't think I interrupted anything, but I did realize that I was pushing it by rocking out in such a quiet place. It was only as I reached for the volume that I realized what song was playing: AC/DC's "Highway to Hell". Nice, Dad. Really funny. Now, for the first time since the funeral, I was in tears at the cemetery...this time out of pure laughter.

I parked the car and Jersey and I walked toward my dad. I made the proper introductions, she said hello, and all went well. Then I showed her the hole that I call his "escape hatch" (I believe it's for flowers or something, though it would be better if it were one of those tube tunnels like they have at the bank). My family has always joked that we have to be careful of the escape hatch, just in case he decides to play a trick on us. But on this day, I noticed that some grass had grown over the escape hatch, almost completely blocking it. At first I reached for it, to clean it the same way I clean his stone, but then I realized that it was probably better to leave it blocked. Jersey and I laughed and headed back for the car, everything having gone perfectly. Then I started the car and listened to the song that had just started on the same classic rock station: "Break on Through" by the Doors. Sorry, there is no way I'm cleaning off that hole.

Meme Monday

2008-09-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

This meme is courtesy of my sister, Lara. If you'd like to play, just put your music player on random and answer the following questions. This could be very interesting. Odd, too.

1. What is missing from my life? "Pour Some Sugar on Me" - Def Leppard. Yeah, I'd love to be hot, sticky sweet. From my head to my feet.

2. Will I find love? "Teach Your Children" - Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young. Well, if I have children to teach, that would presuppose that I've found love, at least for long enough to make the babies!

3. Will I become rich? "Open Arms" - Journey. Arms are open and ready to receive a BIG check. Or a winning lottery ticket.

4. Does someone have a crush on me? "My Immortal" - Evanescence. Now, if I could just figure out who that is....

5. What should I do with my life? "Move This" - Technotronic. No problem. I'll shake that body.

6. Am I good looking? "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" - Georgia Satellites. 'Nuff said.

7. When am I most happy? "Mary Jane" - Alanis Morissette. Hey, just because I went to Haight-Ashbury a few weeks ago doesn't mean you should jump to conclusions!

8. What is my biggest regret? "You Don't Know Me" - Ray Charles. That can be easily fixed, though. Just come visit me in Vegas...or let me hang out with you in your hometown.

9. How does the world see me? "You May Be Right" - Billy Joel. I may also be crazy.

10. What do my friends really think of me? "Spirit in the Sky" - Norman Greenbaum. That's not near as bad as what I thought they might think of me.

11. Will I have a happy life? "The Wrong Way" - Sublime. Wrong by whose definition?

12. How can I make myself happy? "Rehab" - Amy Winehouse. Don't think that will help with much. They'd find me to be verrrrrrry boring.

13. How will I die? "Glory Days" - Bruce Springsteen. If I'm gonna go, I guess I might as well go big.

14. Do I act my age? "Underneath Your Clothes" - Shakira. Um, how does a 29-year-old usually act underneath someone else's clothes?

15. What type of tattoo should I get? "Smooth Criminal" - Michael Jackson. What, like a gangsta tat? I'll pass.

16. What is my spirit animal? "Songbird" - Eva Cassidy. That's pretty. Probably too cutesy for me, but I'll take it. The bird's got a much better singing voice.

17. Do I like pain? "Broken Wing" - Martina McBride. Don't want a broken anything, thankyouverymuch.

18. Is there anyone else like me out there? "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" - Eva Cassidy. Indeed, the scarecrow and I can hang out with our empty heads!

19. Where should I move to? "Beverly Hills" - Weezer. I guess with those open arms full of money, I can do this.

20. Will I ever be president? "The Joker" - Steve Miller Band. Yes, a joker will be president. I, however, will not.

21. What is fun for me? "Take It Easy" - Eagles. Taking it hard sucks.

22. Will I ever learn to fly? "I am a Rock" - Simon & Garfunkel. I'll take that as a big "no".

23. What is my super power? "None of Your Business" - Salt n Pepa.

24. What is some good advice for me? "Sweet Southern Comfort" - Buddy Jewell. Nah, got horribly sick after drinking that one night. I'll stick to Captain Morgan.

If any of you would like to steal this, consider yourself tagged!

Politics and Religion

2008-09-14T15:08:00.001-07:00

Ah, yes, politics and religion. Two topics to be avoided at the dinner table. Two topics to be avoided in a lot of places, unless heated (and sometimes ugly) debates are your thing. It's funny though...I seem to be able to talk about both without a terrible amount of fighting. After a decent amount of consideration, I think it comes down to my general lack of "I'm right, you're wrong" when it comes to both topics. I also have a healthy dose of "I don't know", so it allows me to listen and learn as much as anything else. With that, here are some things on my political and religious mind.

I don't like Sarah Palin. Admittedly, I don't know a lot of details about her politics, beyond her being very conservative. However, I recently read an article about her personal life and it did nothing but show me that I do not want this woman in charge of anything.

Her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant, which I have no reason to judge. It's something that can happen to intelligent teenagers in great families. In fact, it seems as though an unexpected, premarital pregnancy is something she's experienced herself, given that her first child was born less than 8 months after her elopement (can we say shotgun wedding?). What I do judge is the hypocrisy of touting abstinence as the best sex education when that clearly didn't work with her or her daughter. Seems awfully unrealistic to push the rest of the country to follow an ideal that failed in her own life.

Something else that struck me while reading this article was her dishonesty. Once Palin found out she was pregnant with her youngest child, she went to great measures to hide it from the public, afraid that they would deem her unable to serve in her position as Governor. Excuse me, but is that the best way to handle things? I'm worried that they'll think I can't do my job, so I'll just deceive them instead? A pregnancy and baby aren't things that are temporary issues that just go away, so the public is going to know about it eventually. Hiding it does nothing for me but show fear and a lack of willingness to face challenges head on. Oh, and when she found out that the baby would be born with Down Syndrome, she didn't even tell her children. She said that she didn't know how to tell them, so she just waited until they noticed it themselves. Ugh.

Other political stuff: This election season has gone on forever...The VP picks seem more important this time around than in any election I can remember...I wish campaign ads focused more on why a candidate deserves my vote, rather than why the other candidate does not...I hope the younger generation actually votes in this election...I don't think the public will give the next President much of a chance, regardless of which candidate wins, because too many people have unrealistic expectations about what can actually be done in a short amount of time...I'd love to see more help for Americans in many areas, including education and healthcare, but we seem too intent on fixing everyone else's issues...I don't know as much as I should about the foreign policy and financial issues facing our country because I tend to focus on the social issues.

I've also given a lot of thought to religion lately. Specifically, how best am I defined...or does a definition even matter? I was raised Catholic and still identify myself as such. When I attend church, I attend Catholic Mass. Right now, I am not attending church on a regular basis, though I go through occasional phases where I attend regularly. What I question is whether I fit with a church known to be rather judgmental, when I feel that God is more loving and accepting. Is there a place for my more liberal views in the strict definition of the Catholic Church?

I do believe in God and heaven and all that nice stuff, though I have no interest in arguing the issue with those who do not. My ex used to question how I knew that God and heaven exist, but it's simply my faith, my belief that they are real. I can't prove it either way, nor do I feel the need to. It's personal to me, a foundation that underlies the rest of my existence. I also feel very comfortable within Catholic churches. It's relaxing and fulfilling and I feel like I am at home when I'm at Mass. At the same time, I know there are a lot of strict Catholics (well, believers of many faiths, really) who would judge me as being a "bad Catholic". I have done things in my life that people would deem "bad"...some for which I am sorry, others for which I am not. Through it all, I believe very strongly that I am a good person and that God loves me.

So, am I really a Catholic or is there a better definition? Even more importantly, does it matter? If I feel happy in a Catholic church and I feel that I have a strong relationship with God, do I need to worry about a label? Or can I continue to be a good person, knowing that I am loved and that I will see my dad (and all my loved ones) in heaven?

An Unexpected Debate

2008-09-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, a friend of Jersey's came into town for an overnight visit. I had only met him once before, but I had no problem opening up my home to him and going out to a fun dinner on Saturday night. The three of us had a few beers, some really good food, and then a debate that I did not see coming. The subject of same sex couples having kids came up...more specifically, the subject of it being wrong for same sex couples to have kids was brought up by this friend. Now, he knows that Jersey and I want kids, so I was interested in knowing what his particular issue was. I think Jersey was nervous that the conversation would get ugly, but I stayed very calm. It freaks people out when I do that.

His opening was along the lines of "gays shouldn't have kids because they just have kids to show them off and it's damaging to the kids."

Huh?

My response to that was quite simple. "There are, unfortunately, plenty of straight people who do that, too. It's not a gay trait. It's an obnoxious person trait." I then pointed out plenty of examples of parents who live their lives vicariously through their children, parading them around like show ponies, sometimes not even wanting them in the first place. I don't doubt that there are same sex couples who do this, but that has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Then he reiterated his point about the kids getting "messed up" by gay parents. I told him that, to my knowledge, no psychological study has shown any inherent damage to kids raised in a same sex household. In fact, everything I've ever heard points to a slight edge in compassion and emotional resilience, simply due to increased awareness of sensitive issues. His response was that those studies have only been done since the early 90s, so they don't really prove anything. I ignored the obvious rebuttal that, if they've only been done in the past 15 years (which I doubt, but I don't have the facts), they also don't prove his point. I'd actually go so far as to guess that 15 years is enough time to see signs of emotional damage, if it actually exists.

He seemed to be running out of steam, and not that interested in fighting with someone who wasn't taking the bait. He said that none of it was meant to be a personal attack against us.

I let the argument fade, but it's been on my mind. How sad it is to think about having children when these opinions, and worse, are out there...but how happy I am to plan for my future and the babies Jersey and I will raise.

Weekend Randomness

2008-09-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

It's another hot Saturday in Vegas and I have lots of things to do before Jersey's friend arrives for an overnight stay. Plenty of things about which to blog have crossed my mind, so I'll just throw a few of them together in a pile of random.

***Last night was the Stand Up to Cancer special on ABC, NBC, and CBS. I always like it when lots of powerful people get together for a good cause, and cancer has already had a profound effect on my life. I decided to call in to make a donation, small though it may have been, and I kinda hoped I'd get to talk to some nifty celebrity volunteer in the process. No such luck with that, but my father did make an appearance of sorts. Yes, he died nine years ago, but he seemed to be keeping tabs on my phone call.

When the nice operator answered, I have to admit that I had three people on my mind: my dad and my two biggest mentors, both of whom had also passed away from cancer. So, when asked if I would like to make a donation in memory of anyone, I hesitated momentarily, trying to decide if I could do some sort of multiple honor thing or if I should just stick to my dad. Before we got to any specifics about that, the operator asked for my name. I gave it to her and spelled it carefully and she repeated it back. But, you know how people clarify certain letters by saying "A as in apple" and such? Well, the only times she used "as in" were when she said "L as in Larry" and "D as in David". Odd, since my dad's given name was David and he went by Larry, a shortened version of his middle name. I definitely made a weird face at Jersey when I realized that my dad was saying hi to me through this lady. Oh, and you're welcome for the donation, dad. I gave it all in your name.

***I've known for a while that we are part of an instant-gratification society, but I noticed something last night that made me laugh out loud. I was making some instant pudding...crazy good, bright green, pistachio flavor. Though I've made it before, I glanced at the back of the box to make sure I was adding the correct amount of milk. At the top are the basic directions to add two cups of milk and mix until blended, about two minutes. Right below that are the words "Quicker Way", with the instructions on how to hurry up the pudding making process. Um, seriously, what's wrong with us that two minutes is too long?!? I decided to enjoy my dessert making, and I happily took all 120 seconds.

***A couple of weeks ago, there was a news story about the nine-year-old baseball pitcher who was told that he is not allowed to pitch anymore because he throws the ball too fast. He's too good at what he does and it's not considered fair to the other players. Now, I don't know all the details of this story, and I know this is a more extreme example, but I don't like it one bit. I don't like all the "fairness" rules out there, where kids must all get a chance to play each position, or where everyone gets the same trophy at the end of a competition. I don't like "try-outs" where anyone who shows up gets to make the team. I'm tired of people whining that they are just kids and everything should be equal. Sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. Everyone, kids included, need to realize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, natural abilities and things that take a lot of effort.

I am not saying that there can't be aspects of activities that acknowledge a wider base. For example, there was an annual Girl Scout Olympic-style track and field day. All of us who tried, in any of the events, were given a ribbon for our participation. Heat winners got a ribbon for their accomplishments. The best in each event got trophies. I never won a trophy, but I loved all of my participation ribbons and had a great time at each one of these competitions.

Some kids are going to be better athletically, some academically, some artistically. Why not teach them to embrace their natural talents, while allowing them the exploration into areas in which they don't excel, so that they also learn to appreciate defeat? Why must the winners feel like they have nothing to show for their efforts, when the losers got the same recognition? Why can't we teach children to work hard, be proud, and stop blaming other people for things that don't go their way?

***Please send good energy my way over the next few weeks. There are some ongoing changes in my workplace and I am on a roller coaster of sorts. Everything has the potential to go well, but shake-ups are always a little scary and I don't want to be fearful. I will keep my head up and take what comes my way with a smile, but some positive power from my friends can't hurt!

California Dreamin'

2008-09-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

I love my sister and miss her every day. I love California and miss it every day. When I have the opportunity to go to California to see my sister, well, that's just damn near perfect. This past weekend, Jersey and I flew to the Bay Area to stay with Lara, and we managed to squeeze in some sightseeing in San Francisco, Palo Alto, and Santa Cruz. Though I've been to the area plenty of times, this was all brand new to Jersey. Here are some of the highlights (with a few lowlights thrown in):

Jersey and I decided to stop at a Mexican bar/grill in the airport to have margaritas and nachos prior to our flight. Worst.service.ever. And that's coming from two people with almost two decades of food service between them. I just don't think it's a good idea to ignore your table for 20-25 minutes after they have finished all of their food/drinks...they have a plane to catch and I'm guessing most of them will not hesitate to bail on their bill if it's between that and missing their flight. There was a lot more to this story than just that, but it was the last straw. I did pay my bill. I did not leave much of a tip.

The reason we didn't miss our flight was because the plane was late, so all was good. It got even better when we discovered that the airline doesn't charge the standard $4.00 for a cocktail when the flight is delayed. Free booze is their way of apologizing. I forgive them.

This was our first look at Lara's new place. Nice digs, cute cat. Plus, she gave up her bed to Jersey and me, which was very kind.

Saturday morning we drove to San Francisco, specifically the Pier 39 area. I love San Francisco as much as my sister hates it. It has character, which is the common trait of all of my favorite cities. Granted, I've never taken the time necessary to truly explore its depths, but that's on my short list of things to do. We saw the barking sea lions, took pictures of Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge from afar, and enjoyed some clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl. Oh, and I bought a pound of fudge that I really didn't need, but I gave myself special "traveler's dispensation" for all my caloric insanity. Shortly after purchasing the fudge, we walked to Ghiradelli's Square, where I giggled over a peanut butter hot fudge sundae. Mmmmm.

Despite being exhausted, my sister then drove us over to Haight-Ashbury because she's a doll who was willing to cater to our vacation whims. I had only been there once before and Jersey had been told to check it out by her mom. Our first stop in the famous neighborhood was in a cramped used book store that got us greatly excited...until we stepped inside. Almost immediately we were greeted, not by a "hello" or "welcome", but by a sneer, a once-over, and an accusation that our purses were too big. We were then followed around the store by one employee, while the other remained perched in her wicked throne behind the counter. Apparently the three clean-cut girls posed a huge threat to their business. Anyway, we were still happy to look for hidden bookstore treasures and proceeded to the checkout once we had found them. Then, a problem. For the first time in my 11 years of credit card experience, I came across a place that has a major issue with accepting credit cards with "see ID" written on the back. Now, I respect a business's right to run things by their own standards. If they choose not to accept "see ID" on the back of a credit card, that's their prerogative. What I do not respect is the decision to read us the riot act about how we were participating in fraudulent criminal behavior; the decision to treat us like the hoodlums they assumed we were from the moment we entered the store. I get that Haight-Ashbury isn't exactly Rodeo Drive, but that's no reason to assume the worst about everyone. What a shitty attitude to have through life. And what a shitty way to lose my business.

On the way home, we cheered up with a stop at Boston Market. I love me some Boston Market, but there aren't any in Vegas. And, yes, my day really did seem to revolve around food.

Sunday we headed to Palo Alto (after a stop at In-N-Out for an Animal Style Double-Double) and, specifically, to Stanford for a women's soccer game. Jersey and I don't know anyone on the team, but we thought it would be fun to see some sort of sporting event while we were there. Following a mini-tour of the University, we strolled downtown and filled up on some yummy sushi. Jersey really wasn't feeling well, so we didn't do much else. Just laughed a lot and enjoyed being with my sister.

Day three of our weekend was for my first trip, Lara's second, to Santa Cruz. It was definitely a casually silly day, but a nice way to end the vacation. We just walked up and down the boardwalk, eating junk food (which I suppose surprises nobody who has read this post from the beginning), people watching, and playing midway games. As for the running joke about who is the "man" in our relationship (it totally depends on the given activity in question, for the record), I totally got the designation yesterday when I won a stuffed monkey and gave it to Jersey with a kiss. Yay for smiles over something so child-like!

Alas, all good things must end, so we said goodbye to Lara at the airport, all of us looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend and our next gathering. I really had a great time spending time with my sister, sharing more firsts with Jersey, and seeing the two of them get along so well. Now, it's back to work and a countdown to the holiday season. I hope everyone else had a great weekend!

My Tattoo

2008-08-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have read my sister’s blog, you already know that my dad passed away nine years ago. I’m not going to get into all the details about when he was diagnosed with cancer and, six months later, his death. That will be a story for another time. For now, let me tell you about the many months afterward, that foggy time when the rest of the world has continued normally, while I was forever changed.

My dad died in April of my sophomore year in college. I was in my dorm room at my Connecticut school when I got the call that I needed to come home to California. I spent about a week with him before he died and another week or so dealing with the funeral and such. Then, I went back to Connecticut long enough to cram the end of my semester into four days, pack everything, and return home for a summer of adjustment. The chorus that greeted me was so far from what I would’ve expected, so cruel. But it happened and I didn’t handle it well.

“Morgan, you know, we’re all really worried about your sister. I mean, this really isn’t a big deal for you, but it’s really unfair that she had to lose her dad at such a young age. You’re 20, but she’s only 17. You can handle it, but it’s tough for her.”

Um, yeah. That’s what I heard, over and over, all summer long. As if I had taken that freshman core course called “How to Watch a Parent Die”. To be clear, none of that came from my mom or sister, both of whom were in the midst of this weird hell with me. I did hear it from family friends, coworkers, etc. and it sucked. So, how did I react to that? I took it all in. Accepted it as truth. I was fine, this wasn’t a big deal, and I was old enough to handle it without much effort. Until I went back to school for my junior year.

I couldn’t figure out why I hated myself so much when I looked in the mirror. I was just so mad that I wasn't "fine". I was having anxiety attacks once or twice a week (I have had them my whole life, but they used to occur about once a year). It only got worse that summer and my depression finally peaked at the beginning of my senior year. I stopped eating and started cutting myself and it wasn’t nearly as subconscious as I think it is for many people. I knew what I was doing, but I wanted to punish myself for not being perfect and, at the same time, make other people see that I wasn’t ok. That I needed attention, too. I’d take a steak knife to my leg and then tell a friend about it. I’d tell people that I hadn’t eaten more than half a bagel in the past 36 hours. I may not have had the strength to make myself well, but I did enough that people intervened.

I was required to meet with a doctor once a week for tests, since they were afraid my heart would give out. My first attempt at any sort of counseling didn’t go well. I was told by the university shrink to “just eat”, as if I had been forgetting something so obvious three times a day. I was medicated and trying to stay as stable as I could, but I kept slipping. My favorite professor had taken me into his home my first Thanksgiving without my dad, and he knew what was happening with my illness. He referred me to his wife, who had a private practice and would see me for free. After weeks of seeing her with no improvement, she declared me “non-functional” and recommended that I leave school and seek more intensive treatment. That was just three weeks before my graduation, but I couldn’t stay long enough to attend.

Back home, my mom took me to the state mental health center for an evaluation. Deemed a suicide risk, they kept me there, doubled my antidepressant dosage, and put me on a sedative. I was trapped in a cold building and wanted out. That was my rock bottom, being there. I knew I didn’t belong in that barbed wire place, with people who had tougher lives than my own. It was time to work at being okay with myself, okay with not being able to handle everything without help. Oh, and I finished up my semester via email, graduating magna cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa.

About a year after my hospitalization, I decided that I wanted to commemorate my journey. I wanted to remind myself that I am stronger than I know. I came up with the idea of having three Chinese characters tattooed onto my lower back. "Stumble, survive, smile" was a nice way of saying “shit happens, get over it”. People ask why I put it on my back, since I can’t see it easily, but I don’t need it right in front of me for it to be powerful. It’s always there and I love it.

Just a few months after getting my tattoo, I found out that my favorite professor had died. As difficult as that was to accept, I knew that he had saved my life and I couldn’t take it for granted. I’ve stumbled, I’ve survived, but I’m still smiling.

After Beijing

2008-08-25T18:34:00.000-07:00

The 2008 Summer Olympics are now a mere memory, but I definitely have lasting reactions to the events of the past few weeks. I know there are people who have no interest in the Olympics, but I see them as a fun athletics treat. I attended a bit of the Games in Atlanta and I'd love to go again sometime. That said, here are a few things that stick in my mind from Beijing:

Sportsmanship, or lack thereof. I wish I could recall the good sportsmanship more than the bad, but I just can't. There's Angel Matos, who kicked a referee in the face after being disqualified from his taekwondo bout. Ara Abrahamian dropped his bronze medal on the floor in protest. Usain Bolt and his post-victory showboating. I know, I know, some people have said that he was just expressing his joy at winning, but I think there's a fine line between unabashed Olympic happiness and an attitude problem. Michael Phelps would win a race, cheer for himself, and then shut up and congratulate his competitors. He was thrilled to be making history, but still knew when to turn it off and be a class act.

Always a bridesmaid...the women's water polo team and more. A little bit of background will help with this point. My best friend from high school is a two-time Olympian. She played on the women's water polo team in both Sydney and Athens, winning a silver and a bronze. That sounds great, except that I watched her work for years toward that gold medal. I saw her pain when she got back from Sydney with a silver. I sat with her as she decided whether to compete in another Olympic Games for a chance to win it or push forward with school and her dream of being a doctor. She went to Athens, and they fell short. To this day, it's not something about which we talk. Never. Ever. It's that painful. So, while most people may look at it and say "she has two Olympic medals and that's awesome", there's a lot of disappointment that comes with those medals. She appreciates them, really she does, but I've seen the hurt, too. She almost reached her dream.

Since that, I have a newfound perspective on those who come up short in the Olympics. Sure, it's amazing. They're doing things at which I'd fail miserably. But I've come to empathize with the idea that it sucks when you're not quite good enough. It sucks to get so close to the gold and then hear someone else's anthem. It sucks when you know you don't get to try again. I still know a few people on the water polo team, and it sucked watching them finish second...again.

Wrong to cheer for the USA? Near the beginning of the Games, I observed a conversation regarding cheering for the American athletes. One person was excited about seeing the USA do well; the other said he would be ashamed to cheer for his country so blindly. His argument was that most of us don't know anything about the Americans, the Michael Phelps and Shawn Johnson's aside, so rooting for them just because of their nationality is wrong. Personally, I've always cheered for the USA in Olympic competition, so I was a little taken aback by the accusation.

Of course, it got me thinking about my own actions and viewpoint. I mean, I have been a lifelong Angels fan in baseball and a Kings fan in hockey for no other reason than that they were local teams and my dad loved them. Is my cheering for the USA the same thing? Am I just following what was always done in my own living room? Yes. Ah, but is that dangerously nationalistic, among other things? Well, yes and no. It raises an awareness in me that I appreciate. No matter how innocent my bias may be, it is still a bias. My opinions are slanted. Of course, I've yet to meet anyone who is 100% neutral about everything, so I'm okay with my slant in this particular instance. I love my country, I love sports, and I love to see fellow Americans win.

First Post, First Meme

2008-08-23T13:18:00.000-07:00

For my very first post, I suppose I could say something profound, but it seems more logical to make this an introduction of sorts. That, and I'm all out of profound for today. So, hello, my name is Morgan, and this is my blog. I had planned to start this at a later date, perhaps to chronicle an engagement or pregnancy, but I got eager to share things now. This is me and my life, simple though it may be.

With that, I've stolen a meme from my sister, Lara.

1. The phone rings; whom do you want it to be? I hate the phone. Really, I do. I have an illogical fear of it and used to pay my sister to call the pizza guy. If I have to answer, I really hope it's my mom, Lara, or Jersey.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Always. People who feel entitled to leave it in the parking space make me angry. Actually, entitled people in general make me angry. This is just a great example of it.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you? Yes, and I plan to when she gets home from work.

4. Do you take compliments well? I'm learning to. I still get admonished for not doing it as often as I should.

5. Do you play Sudoku? Nope, never have. I've heard it's addicting. I do, however, have a big puzzle book by the publishers of Games Magazine that I keep next to my bed. Love that stuff!

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? I'd like to think so. I mean, I love modern comforts, but I think I'd be tough if I had to be.

7. Do you like nipple rings? Um, no. Definitely not for myself. If someone else wants to pierce their nipples, it's nothing I'll hold against them, but OW!!! I've always found eyebrow rings oddly sexy though, and I have my belly pierced.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Nothing more than a few days, but yes. A couple of Girl Scout weekends. I'd probably count church retreats and our 8th grade trip to Catalina Island, as well. I think anytime you are in a sleeping bag, within a cabin or tent, and hiking through the dirt to get to a group mess hall would count.

9. If a sexy person were pursuing you, but you knew he/she were married what would you do? Now, well, I'm not single, and I would never cheat on Jersey. I've never cheated when I've been in a relationship, even the really bad ones. I will admit to having been the other woman in the past. It's not a good thing, but I have my faults.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Sure. I think it's beneficial to hear differing viewpoints. It challenges your own. There are various issues that arise when it comes to raising children, but those can be handled with communication and maturity. Bottom line, I'll respect you. Please respect me.

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? Tough one. I'm somewhere in the middle, though closer to being the pursuer. Ideally, as close to mutual as possible would be nice. I don't think I'm very approachable anyway.

12. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment: Relaxed. Focused. Content.

13. Do any songs make you cry? I don't cry at much of anything. I don't like to cry. There was a time last year where "Bring on the Rain" by JoDee Messina could choke me up because I wanted and needed it to be true. I cried when I heard "I'm Movin' On" by Rascal Flatts in concert. Other songs that have been quite profound live, though I didn't actually cry, include "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas and "Alone" by Heart.

14. Are you continuing your education? Formally, no. It was a dream of mine to get my PhD and that got derailed. With the right financial situation, I'd love to go back. As for other types of education, I'm practicing yoga now (which teaches me much more than just some nifty poses), I'd love to bring back my Spanish, and dance and guitar lessons would be fun.

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun? I'm not licensed or anything, but I've shot them more than once and live out some of my FBI dreams by rolling around in the dirt, crawling behind boulders, and sneaking next to cars with a gun in my hand. All while being very safe, by the way. Seriously.

16. If your house were on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? Childhood home videos and a pic of my father and me. And I'd put on my slippers or flip flops because I can't stand being barefoot.

17. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Well, I currently share one with Jersey. Before that was my ex-boyfriend, (I'll call him Goodfella). In fact, the last time he was in my bed was when he showed up at 2am and needed a place to crash. All three of us shared the queen bed. Tight fit. Thank god all three of us get along.

18. Whom do you text the most? Jersey, by far. But texting my mom is the most fun. She really doesn't know much about texting, so I love getting her confused when I text her and waiting for the text that it will take her 10 minutes to send back.

19. Favorite children’s books? I have a place in my heart for the Dorrie books. I just remember reading them with my mom all the time when I was little. I've asked that she please get copies of them for my children, once I have them. I also loved Curious George.

20. What color are your eyes? Usually blue or blue-green. When I wear blue, they are very blue and when I wear green, they are very green.

21. How tall are you? I always say 5'5". It's more like 5' 4 3/4", but that's just silly.

22. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you? Probably not. There are mistakes I've made and regrets I have, but my road brought me here and I'm happy now. Forgiving myself is a work in progress.

23. Any secret admirers? If I knew that, they wouldn't be secret, would they?

24. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Foggy memories on this one. I believe I did with my mom once. And I know I did with an ex (I'll call him the Abuser). Just found those the other day, in fact. My sister and I should, but I don't think we have.

25. Where is the farthest place you have traveled? Well, I've been to 43 of the 50 states, Mexico, Canada, and the Caribbean. Distance-wise, I suppose Hawaii, Montreal, and Jamaica would win.

26. Do you like mustard? Sure. Mostly on hot dogs, though I used to put it on grilled cheese sandwiches when I was little.

27. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? Wow. Tough call. Probably sleep, though there are definitely foods that could convince me otherwise. I really love sleeping and eating.

28. Do you look like your mom or dad? My mom, I guess. I don't see it as much as other people do. And when I was younger, I didn't look like either of them at all. I think at this point, my mom and I talk alike and have the same mannerisms, so that is probably what people see.

29. How long does it take you in the shower? Regularly? 5-10 minutes. If I have to shave my legs? 15-20.

30. Can you do splits? Nope. I am one of the least flexible people I have ever met.

31. What movies do you want to see right now? I love movies and my list of things to see is loooooong.

32. What did you do for New Year’s Eve? Worked until 11:53 pm. Was driving home with Jersey at midnight when the Las Vegas fireworks went off. Fortunately, I don't care about seeing them, so I drove while she looked out the window at them. This year, I'm sure we'll be keeping it simple. A toast and a kiss probably.

33. Was your mom a cheerleader? She was a songleader. Her uniform is still around somewhere.

34. Whats the last letter of your middle name? Y. Why?

35. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Ideally, 9-11. Realistically, about 8.

36. Do you like Care Bears? Well, they don't factor much into my life now, but I was a fan once upon a time.

37. What do you buy at the movies? I try not to eat at the theater. If I do, it's usually nachos and a cherry coke. Or those gummy peach rings. Or licorice, Junior Mints, Reese's Pieces, etc. See why I try not to eat at the theater?!?

38. Do you know how to play poker? Yes, and rather well if I do say so myself. In my many hours of playing in the Vegas casinos, I have won more than I've lost. Playing with friends and family, I've won MUCH more than I've lost. I was called a hustler in high school, but that's really not accurate. While I did beat everyone, I never once acted like I didn't know what I was doing or con anything out of anyone. It just helps that I'm a blonde female. People don't naturally give me credit.

39. Do you wear your seatbelt? Yes, always. Don't feel like traveling through any windshields, thanks.

40. What do you wear to sleep? Underwear, boxers, or pajama pants. No top.

41. Anything big ever happen in your town? Well, it's Vegas, so I'd go with yes. I just try to stay out of it.

42. Is your hair straight or curly? More curly than straight, though the lack of humidity here makes it a wavy blah mess. It's enough that I have to flat iron it. In humid places, I can get something resembling ringlets. Since chopping off almost 12 inches, I really have let it go too wild.

43. Is your tongue pierced? Nope. Thought about it once upon a time. As I said earlier, my belly is pierced. And I once had nine piercings in my ears, though I'm down to the normal two.

44. Do you like liver and onions? Never had liver, so I've never had liver and onions. Regarding onions on their own...I like them cooked and soft, not raw and crunchy.

45. Have you ever been in love? Yes. And I'm very happy that she loves me back.

46. Do you like funny or serious people better? Probably funny. I'm an odd mix of both.

47. Ever been to L.A.? LOTS of times. Grew up just south of there. Most recently I was there mid-July for a weekend.

48. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? I plead the Fifth.

49. Do you hate chocolate? No, I like it. Not as much as you'd think, but I definitely wouldn't like to go without it.

50. What do you and your parents fight about the most? I've been lucky to never fight with my parents. My dad and I went through a rough period where he was reevaluating his life and I seemingly dropped off his priority list, but we still didn't fight. My mom only ever got mad at me if I mouthed off, but a quick look from her could silence me. I always respected them, and they returned the favor. I want to raise my kids the same way.

51. Are you a gullible person? Aside from looking it up in the dictionary when someone told me it wasn't in there? No. Totally kidding, by the way. I'm way too skeptical to be gullible.

52. If you could have any job, what would it be? Author of psychological thrillers.

53. Are you easy to get along with? Well, I think the biggest hurdle is that I'm generally antisocial (in a non-psychotic sort of way), so I don't have many friends. As I move through my life, very few people have gotten close enough that I carry them with me. That being said, I have no problem making friends and people like me. It's just not likely we'll be in touch 10 years from now. I am still friends with my best friend from high school, and I would drop everything right now if she needed me. While I joke that I'm a bitch, I'm really not.

54. What is your favorite time of day? On weekends it's the morning, when I wake up but don't have to physically get up. I like taking my time rolling out of bed. During the week, it's that relaxing time before bed when I don't have to answer to anyone.

55. Are you a generally happy person? It's something on which I am consciously working. I don't want to waste my energy on negativity, but I do allow myself time to vent each day. I have started a body & soul makeover of sorts, because I want to be healthy inside and out.

Thanks for reading this far and thanks in advance for your patience as I fumble my way though this blog-world!