Monday Meme

It's late, so I'm taking the easy way out.  This meme was boosted, with love, from Mrs. Chili.

What is your favorite possession?   Honestly, I feel like I could do without most of my possessions.  If there’s something I’m absolutely grabbing in case of a fire, it’s my favorite childhood home video and a picture of my dad and me (both circa 1981-ish).

Do you like to read? If so, which books do you love best?   Yes, indeed.  I started reading when I was pretty young, so I guess I’ve always loved it…I have fond memories of library trips with my mom.  I almost entirely stick to fiction, specifically crime dramas/psychological mysteries.  I also enjoyed the Harry Potter series and The Hunger Games trilogy.  Oh, and everyone should go read The Book Thief.  Seriously.  Right now.

Do you have any pets?   I have a 4 ½ year old cat, Max.  He was the only way I could get Jersey to marry me.  Ok, not really.  

What was your favorite food as a child? Is it the same now?   Well, my favorite childhood meal was a casserole thingy that we call “bacon mac” and it’s the simplest thing (basically elbow macaroni, tomato soup, milk, cheese, and bacon crumbles stirred up and baked in the oven).  I don’t know that I have a current favorite food, but I still LOVE bacon mac.  If we’re talking standalone foods, then my favorites include avocado, ranch dressing, and ice cream.

What is your favorite thing about blogging?   It’s a good way for me to release some things that bounce around in my head.  Even when I took a two-year break from blogging, I’d often think of things I needed to say.  So, it’s a safe place for me.  It also allows for some self-discovery.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?   Orange County, CA or Fairfield County, CT.

What is your favorite number?  11

Which of these things would you find hardest to give up for a year? Chocolate, reading, coffee or smoking?   Well, I don’t smoke, so that’s easy.  I love coffee, but I think it’s the routine of it as much as anything.  I’d miss it, but could deal.  I think I could give up chocolate, too.  There are other sweet things that could probably curb that craving.  I can’t imagine not reading.  That just seems crazy to me.

If you could make your life into a movie, what would you name it…and who would you want to play you?   Funny, I actually started to write a script for a movie based upon my life (though it was a very specific segment of my life).  I gave it up when I realized that it wasn’t serving its purpose…I needed catharsis, so I ended up creating the soundtrack of the movie instead and still have that CD.  I know I had a title for it, but I don’t remember it now.  Oh, and I would have cast Julia Stiles in the main role.

If you had £20,000 for a shopping spree, what would you buy?  I’m too lazy to go look up the currency conversion, but that seems like a nice amount.  If I’m shopping (versus being responsible and paying off debt), then I’ll go with new carpeting, a new bedroom set, assorted electronics, and clothes.

If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?   Wow, that’s actually really tough.  Barack Obama, Neil Patrick Harris, and Stana Katic come to mind, but I think there are a lot of famous people with whom I could have a great conversation. 

Our Past Selves

About two months ago, I received a Facebook friend request from a familiar name from my past.  There’s not much that really shocks me in life, but there was definitely a moment of surprise as I realized that I was being contacted by the man to whom I lost my virginity.  He was a coworker of mine the summer before I went away to college; I was 18 at the time and he was significantly older.  He was also my manager and I was the restaurant hostess (some stereotypes are true!).  We had a summer fling before I packed up my stuff and moved across the country.

I had no hesitation in accepting the friend request.  I followed that up by browsing through his pictures, noting that he is now married with three kids and still lives in Southern California.  It wasn't long before I received a message from him with a quick hello and surprised congratulations on my marriage (the surprise was fair enough, given that his experience with me didn't exactly indicate that I’d be married to a woman).  We chatted back and forth a bit, simply updating each other on the significant events in our lives…no big deal.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he brought up our past.  He said that he wasn't sure whether my wife was reading his messages (she wasn't) , or whether she even knew about him (she does), but that he felt awful about everything that had happened and wanted to apologize to me.  Honestly, I was probably more surprised by his apology than by the friend request.  First, I was the one who initiated our entire encounter 15 years ago.  I approached him, I told him what I wanted, and I explained that it would be a no-strings-attached fling.  Second, while I completely understand that the experience wasn't really the way a “first time” should go (no romance, no magic, not even an actual relationship), I have never regretted what we did.  Not for a second.  In fact, I’m still proud that I felt like I was in control of my decision and that it was never something that just happened to me.  I’m not sorry.

We discussed his worry that he has taken advantage of me; I told him that I understood where he was coming from, but that I had never felt that way about it.  I pointed out that many (most?) 30-something men would react the same way to an eager 18-year-old.  He held to his apology, telling me that I was a tremendous young woman back then and that he hoped I had gotten great things in life.

I reflected upon my utter naiveté about the whole situation and laughed (groaned? rolled my eyes?) at how little I knew about physical/emotional entanglements.  Back then, I thought I was so mature and understood so much.  Looking back, I was ridiculous.  He assured me that we’re all pretty different from who we were 15 years ago.  I think he intended to show me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for being a silly teenager; I turned it back on him so that he would let himself off the hook a bit. 

It also made me think about how much we are always changing.  I mean, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago…I was not the same person I am today.  It’s actually funny to imagine the things I would tell my past self, and even more interesting to think of things that I would intentionally withhold from myself.  What should I have known then, and what was I better off not knowing?  I may shake my head at that inexperienced girl, but she did pretty well all by herself.  I’m not sure I’d change a damn thing.

Life

I've been gone from here for a very long time. I'd apologize, but I'm not entirely sure I'm really sorry about it. I mean, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to connect with the few of you who read me, but I'm not sorry that I've been really busy with life. Let's see if I can catch you up on the highlights...

Work - So, there I was, struggling to keep my job. A job a really don't even like that much. I was thinking about starting a Masters program at night and looking for other employment. Then, the owner of the company for which I work decided to let go of her executive assistant, and she needed someone she trusted to jump in and help while she interviewed for a new EA. I offered, she accepted, and I found myself with a "part-time" and "temporary" second job. What I thought would be a chance to just make a few extra dollars turned into about 35 hours a week for over two months. You see, the owner goes through a very slooooow interview process, so it took her quite a while to find someone.

Once the new EA had arrived, I was busy training her and working on a couple of projects that were already in progress. I figured I'd be around another week or two to wrap things up, but nope. Out of nowhere, the owner's administrative manager/coordinator decided to just bail on the job. Suddenly, the owner desperately needed help filling that position, so I moved over to that desk. It's now been about three weeks and she is really no closer to hiring a new employee. As for me, I'm up to almost 40 hours a week, plus a pay raise when I moved into the second position. So, what's the craziest part about all of this? I'm still doing my regular job...though I now do it in the morning, at lunch, at night, and on weekends. I'm pretty exhausted and a little stressed, but all my extra effort may pay for the wedding. To pay the wedding off without dipping into my normal income would be incredible! Speaking of which...

The Wedding - Jersey and I spent a long weekend in June in New Jersey (with a quick trip to NYC for dinner & drinks) to celebrate our East Coast engagement party/bridal shower. It was a ton of fun to meet even more of her family and friends, plus the extra time I spent with those closest to her. I love that everyone has welcomed me with open arms and I'm glad to be a part of their lives, even in small ways.

We came back to Vegas in time for my sister and T. (my mom's significant other) to arrive in town; my sister stayed for almost three weeks, T. moved here. We all had a great time and spent one night on the West Coast engagement party, which was mostly my co-workers and a handful of friends. Oh, and my sister and I went to try on pretty bridesmaid dresses for her!

Jersey and I really need to finalize our official wedding guest list and send out Save the Date magnets...

The big hoopla wedding/reception for all the family and friends is taking place on April 24, 2010, so we have a bit of time to get our shit together for that, but time flies. Really, I have no idea where the year has gone. And while we may have time for the big hoopla planning, we are getting married in Massachusetts in four weeks.

Repeat.

We are getting married in Massachusetts in FOUR WEEKS! Ahhhh! Ok, I'm really thrilled, but WOW, that's right around the corner. We have a Justice of the Peace and will be getting married in her gazebo, which will be perfect. Plus, given the waiting period and the holiday weekend, we will have some time to relax in New England. I'm very much looking forward to that and have already warned my "part-time" "temporary" boss that I will not reschedule my wedding for her.

TLC - With everything going on right now, I have made a very conscious effort to do nice things for myself (and Jersey) on occasion. In the past several weeks, we've made a trip to a nearby winery, strolled through our favorite outdoor shopping center, treated ourselves to massages, and jumped in the car for a very random trip to San Diego. It's been amazing to reconnect with special moments in the midst of such a crazy time.

Ok, I'm yawning a LOT right now, so I'm gonna stop here...but I'm sure I'll be going into more details about all of this stuff at various times. Thanks to those of you who came back to read after all this time and I really have been reading you, too, even when I haven't had the chance to comment. I'll be back!

Monday Meme

Here is a meme that I stole from my sister...

The Rules:

- Answer the questions below.
- Type your answers into Photobucket.
- Pick a picture from the results and post it as the answer.


1. What is your name?
Ok, so Morgan isn't my real name, but this picture was the inspiration for the alias.

2. How old will you be on your next birthday?


3. What is your occupation?

I know "Real Estate" is more of a field than an occupation, but you get the point.

4. What is your relationship status?


5. What do you want to be when you grow up?


6. What do you love most in life?

7. What do you like to do in your spare time?


8. Who is your celebrity crush?

Sorry, but I couldn't decide between serious Michael Vartan or smiling Michael Vartan, so I used both. Mmmmmm...

9. What is your favorite animal?
Giraffes are just funny. Really.

10. What is your favorite color?


11. What is your favorite book?


I really don't have a favorite book. I don't re-read books (I think I'm in the minority on that), and nothing is ranked significantly higher than everything else in my memory. I do, however, love Jonathan Kellerman's work. One of his non-fiction books is very similar to the senior honors thesis that I wrote in college and I'd love to audit a (few) graduate course(s) of his. A real life psychology career combined with writing murder mysteries...it's like my dream come true!

12. What is your favorite type of shoe?


I think it has to do with the vacation connotation.

13. What is your favorite Disney character?
14. Where is your favorite place to be?


15. What is your biggest annoyance?

16. What is your biggest fear?


17. What is your bad habit?


I could eat ice cream every day and it's something about which I've had to be very conscious during my attempt to be healthier. I don't even have a favorite flavor, though I have regular choices at most ice cream places. I. Love. Ice. Cream.

18. What is your mood right now?

A Decade

As my sister so simply put it today, "ten years is a long time." On April 27, 1999, our dad died after a relatively brief battle with cancer, which makes today the 10th anniversary. It's hard to perfectly describe how I am doing today, but it's the same as every year on this date; it's as though I am just a step behind all day, or underwater with my senses slightly dulled. I really wanted to blog today, though, so I am going to give you a random assortment of thoughts...

* My mom, Jersey, and I went to Dairy Queen for lunch so that I could have my dad's favorite kind of Blizzard in his honor. To answer the obvious question, it's chocolate chip cookie dough with extra fudge and a banana in it. Celebrating such an important day with dessert is something my dad would do.

* This evening, Jersey and I will watch some home videos (circa 1981-1983). My favorite is probably the one in which my dad and I are making chocolate cream pies for a holiday dinner, a couple of months before my third birthday. It's important to note that you can NOT give a chocolate-covered spatula to a toddler and tell her not to lick it. She will lick it with gusto and then proudly announce that she is doing so. Oh, and her mother will encourage it from behind the camera.

* When it comes to my personality, I got most of it from my dad. I am obsessive-compulsive, stubborn, and I have zero patience for stupid things. I think he was a little more of an asshole (and I say that in the nicest possible way), but I definitely got some of my attitude from him. I also love sports, swear like a sailor, do crosswords, and memorize numbers, all of which I will credit to him.

* Speaking of sports, my dad and I took a dream vacation when I was twelve and I'm so glad I had that experience with him. He and I drove around the country together and saw 21 Major League Baseball games in 18 different stadiums in 28 days, plus the MLB, NFL, NHL, and NBA Halls of Fame. Ok, it's totally a tomboy vacation, but I really loved it and still remember it well. Plus, I have lots of cool stories from that month.

* Overall, I think I've adjusted very well to not having my dad in my life (well, my physical life, but that opens up a really deep conversation). I obviously miss him, but I'm doing well. The hardest part for me right now is the wedding planning, specifically the whole walking down the aisle thingy. Most people have told me to just have my mom walk me down the aisle, but it's not that simple for me. If I had always planned to have both parents walk me down the aisle, then it would be fine to still have my mom do it; because I had only ever planned to have my dad do it, I don't like the idea of "replacing" him. I get that my dad wouldn't mind and blah blah blah, but it honestly bothers me. Apparently the idea of me walking alone bothers everyone else. For now, no decision has been made.

* Whenever I go to visit my dad at the cemetery, I try to bring him gifts. Well, they're not really gifts. More like food. A small bite. The last two were a chocolate chip cookie and a fried clam. It's like bringing a virgin to a volcano. I like to keep everything peaceful and calm. I also clean up his stone and say hi to Poles, his "next-door neighbor."
* Today, my Facebook status reflects the significance of the date and it brought comments from people I hadn't even heard from since accepting them as my friend on the site. It's nice to know that other people miss him, too. Someone on my sister's Facebook called him "badass" and I think that's great.

* I can't wait til the next time I am in California at a time when I can go watch a basketball game in the high school gymnasium that was named after him. Long story short, our high school (the one from which my sister and I graduated is the same at which my dad was a teacher, coach, and athletic director) renovated the gym last year and renamed it for my dad. There's a plaque with his name and picture above the entrance, a painted basketball jersey and new scoreboard with his name on both, plus the existing memorial basketball tournament (and possibly a memorial football game and soccer tournament) and the school's athletic hall of fame, which was named for him about a week before his death. All of that rocks.


* I gave the eulogy at my dad's funeral mass and I am still very proud of the fact that I made the 1000+ attendees laugh out loud throughout it. My dad joked around til the very end, so there was no way I could honor him by being serious and tearful. I made it as funny as I could, though I'll admit the "I'll miss you, Daddy" at the end was a bit rough. I swear, the rest of it was funny shit.

* When my dad was in the hospital the week before he died, I couldn't handle being alone with him. My mom and sister had no problem with it, but I needed someone with me. I don't know why I was so terrified, but it freaked me out. The only time I was alone with him at all was the night before he died. I took about a minute to tell him that I loved him and that we were all sad, but we'd be okay. He needed to stop fighting and I told him to let go. I also told him that I made a cassette tape of one of our favorite songs and that I would make sure it got put in his coffin, but that I wasn't about to include an entire stereo system, so he'd have to bum one off someone else on the flip side.

Thanks for listening. And I do miss you, Daddy.

Monday Meme

I got this one from my sister...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

1. You are biased in the opposite way of what most people would guess.
2. What held you back?
3. I'm human.
4. Please look in the mirror when you say the things you direct at everyone else.
5. Happiness snowballs as much as unhappiness does.
6. I wish you were here to walk me down the aisle.
7. A lot of what happened was my own fault.
8. I regret being mad at you when you died.
9. Why are you afraid to be happy?
10. I am the least of your problems.

Nine things about myself:

1. I cried when I got my first "B" on a report card.
2. I cried when I got an "A" on report card, because I didn't deserve it.
3. If I could live anywhere, it would be in Newport Beach or Corona Del Mar, CA.
4. My dream is to be an author of psychological thrillers, but I admit that I am not putting any effort into that dream at this time.
5. I started wearing glasses when I was 18 months old, wore an eye patch when I was a toddler, and had two eye operations before I was ten; I currently wear no glasses or contacts, but that will probably change within the next few years.
6. My favorite sport is hockey, but that's followed very closely by football and baseball.
7. I kissed a girl when I was 16, but I dated only men until my current relationship began in February of 2008.
8. I've been to 43 of the 50 states (still missing Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Maine).
9. I like Easter candy better than Halloween candy, but I hate Peeps with a passion.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Appreciate sarcasm.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Respect my religious and political views, even if you disagree with them.
4. Allow me to have bad moods every now and then.
5. Don't make a big deal out of it when I cry.
6. Love my family.
7. Love your family.
8. Want to have children.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. My future
2. My past
3. Work
4. Educational opportunities
5. Wedding plans
6. Food
7. My family and friends

Six things I do before I fall asleep:

1. Take off my clothes
2. Brush my teeth
3. Turn on the TV
4. Read or do a crossword
5. Kiss Jersey
6. Curl into the fetal position

Five people who mean a lot to me:

1. Mom
2. My little sister
3. Jersey
4. My high school best friend (and bridesmaid)
5. Jersey's sister (because she's the most important person in Jersey's life)

Four things you're wearing right now:

1. A sundress
2. A white lace thong
3. Strappy sandals
4. My engagement ring

Three songs you listen to often:

1. Baba O'Riley - The Who
2. So What - Pink
3. Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi w/ Jennifer Nettles

Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Be a mother
2. Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary.

One confession:

I regret derailing my life when I became an anorexic cutter in college.

Vocabulary - Part 2

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my post yesterday. I want to take some time now to jump around to a few different points in relation to what I said. As I said yesterday, it's very hard to articulate my thoughts on all of this; the jump from brain to blog is tricky.

* To clarify my personal feeling about insults that are directed my way, well, I can say that I actually feel insulted about .001% of the time. Anyone who would hurl an insult at me, with anything but love (and teasing by friends and family counts as love in my book), is not someone who even matters to me. I'm not just saying that to act tough here; even as a small child who was taunted for being "little miss perfect" or "four-eyes" all the time, I was able to brush it off because those kids had no bearing on my self worth. When I said that I find "gay agenda" as insulting as "faggot" or "dyke," I was honest. I'm not personally insulted by any of it, but I think they are often said with the same ill-will.

* I understand the point that Anonymous made about us standing up for those with intellectual disabilities, since many of them are not able to verbalize their hurt. However, I think it's dangerous to compare slurs on the basis of whether the victim is able to fight back. If I'm hurt by someone who calls me a "dyke" and an autistic person is hurt because someone called them a "retard," then both of those are wrong and arguing which is more wrong is missing the point. We don't get to call certain people names just because they can take it.

* I also agree with Auntie and Mrs. Chili about words having the power that you give them. We make choices all the time, and if we choose to let words affect us, they will. That said, I am careful about what comes out of my mouth on a regular basis, because I feel like a constant stream of negativity does start wearing down good energy. It's not that I don't vent in anger, or make self-depracating jokes. I just try not to do those things too often because I think they gain power with repetition.

* The thread on my message board about homophobia and the gay agenda currently has 149 posts in it. From the discussion about the gay agenda came another debate about gay marriage, which wasn't a huge surprise. JW made a comment (and I know he's just one of many to do so) about being okay with homosexual unions with benefits and state approval, as long as homosexuals don't call themselves "married." To him, civil unions and the like are fine; marriage is not. I've written about this before and I still don't understand what the difference is. Let me put it this way:

I believe that murder is wrong. We could change the word "murder" to "apple-picking" and I would believe that apple-picking is wrong. We could use fifteen other words for it, and I would still believe that it is wrong. No vocabulary change is going to change a core belief of mine. So, why are so many people okay with civil unions and not marriage? Now, I have heard that the problem is that there is a religious connotation to "marriage" and homosexuals are sinners, blah, blah, blah. But why aren't there laws being passed that marriage must be between one man and one woman who believe in God? Atheists get married with little problem. I want the same right.

Ok, that's all I've got for now. My head is so jumbled with my thoughts on this, but I think I've made some of my main points. Go ahead, throw some jumbled crap back at me!

Vocabulary - Part 1

First, a bit of background information:

For the past 4 1/2 years, I have been a semi-active participant on a message board; the site is mainly for discussion about a baseball game, but there is an entire off-topic section in which people discuss movies, music, politics, religion, what they had for lunch, births of children, etc. There is a separate debate forum where things can get pretty heated when people disagree (which is often, of course). I check the boards a few times a day and comment when I feel like I have something to say. I've also met two of the other posters in person.

So, earlier this week, I was reading through some of the recent threads and opened one about the letter that John C. McGinley wrote about the use of the words "retard" or "retarded." Basically, he compared the use of "retard" to "nigger, or kike, or faggot, or jap, or kraut, or mick, or wop" and said that words hurt, so we need to remove such words from our vocabulary. This particular thread was started by someone I'll call JW; he is a conservative Christian with an autistic son and a history of arguing with the more liberal members of the message board. He and I have always gotten along, though we certainly agree to disagree on a lot of issues (like the fact that I am damned to hell for loving a woman).

In response to the topic at hand, I posted the following:

"...my point of view is definitely in the middle somewhere.

Any words can become derogatory, depending on the context and intent. I certainly don't think that the use of any particular word automatically makes someone a bigot. Getting too focused on banning the words themselves is like a dog chasing its tail; we'll be wasting a lot of energy and not getting very far.

That said, I also agree that the casual use of these words can desensitize people and if this brings about education and intelligent discussion, then I'm all for it. Overall, I'd rather see change in people's actions than their vocabulary, and if any discourse leads to that..."

With that done, I opened another new thread. This one started by linking an article about a homophobic incident. Honestly, I didn't even read the article; it didn't end up being my focus in the thread. What caught my eye was JW's response to the incident. He mentioned that people were "pushing the gay agenda" and that was enough to piss me off. So, I wrote:

"FWIW, I absolutely hate the phrase "gay agenda" and find it as insulting as faggot, dyke, or anything similar. It's as though homosexuals are distributing obscene brochures or holding recruiting meetings at which they force people to sign up for a pyramid scheme of satanic proportions. I guess I just see people who are trying to have a consensual relationship (possibly even recognized by the state?!?) with an adult that they love very much."

After another second, I realized I should follow it up with this:

"...just so I stay consistent with what I posted in the thread about using the word "retard"...

I don't think the phrase "gay agenda" should be banned and I don't think that the use of it necessarily means that someone is a bigot. I do hope that there is continued discussion about the issues behind the usage of the phrase and that people's actions can change as a result."

My thoughts are obviously more complex than I can properly explain on a message board, or this blog, but I do wonder what causes someone to worry about the use of one word (retard) and use others (gay agenda) so casually. Is it as simple as differentiating between what hits close to home and what doesn't? Am I wrong to think that actions speak louder than words? If we eliminate the use of some slurs, won't there be others to replace them? Shouldn't an off color joke be an opportunity to educate, rather than a need to silence?

I have more to say on the importance of words, but I will wait until tomorrow.

Tell Me Something Good

The company at which I work held its annual convention in Orlando about a month ago; I did not attend, but my mom did. When my mom and the other office attendees came back, they were very excited to share a new habit that they had learned from a guest speaker. This speaker said that he no longer asks someone how they are doing, upon saying hello. Instead, he opens with "tell me something good." His point was that people will often focus on the negative when given a wide opening; by narrowing it down to the positive, people stop to think about it. Since that lesson, many coworkers have changed their ringtones to the catchy 70s song (which I get stuck in my head a lot) and my mom and I greet each other each morning with "tell me something good."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a super bubbly, always positive, cheerleading type of person. I'm not incredibly social and I am not a big hugger. That being said, I've worked very hard at being happy (and I don't think that happiness requires any of the above) and I love that I start each day with a good attitude. I make a conscious decision to have that attitude and I think it spills over into all aspects of my life. It's great to see the good things that happen when you open yourself up to those possibilities.

For the past 2 1/2 weeks, I have been focused on eating right and exercising because I am trying to get in shape. I'm not doing anything drastic (a combination of lean protein, fruits, veggies, and the gym does wonders!) and I've lost five pounds so far. It's not easy, but I think that having a smile on my face has helped me. My head has gotten healthy; I want my body to match.

Oh, and yesterday I got great news from my accountant! Basically, I owe significantly less than I was expecting to (I knew I had overestimated, but I didn't know how high I was), and that money can go toward wedding planning and be a basic safety net. Do I think that having a good attitude magically lowered my taxes? No. That's math. But I do fully believe that I notice these great surprises when I'm happy and I don't let bad news send me into a tailspin.

None of this is an exact science and I still slip into bad moods here and there. I'm sure I'll use this blog as a venting place on occasion. In the meantime, I will stay in tune with the positive stuff and keep thinking of my something good.

Scattered

I have been feeling very scattered lately, so maybe a post about my randomness will help me focus (or at least do some prioritizing). Here goes nothing...

* Regarding Mrs. Chili's comment about whether I need fertility treatments to get pregnant (and no, I didn't consider the comment crude at all)...I don't necessarily need them and Jersey and I are still discussing that topic. We've talked about possibly having a cousin of hers donate to me and a cousin of mine donate to her; that's the closest we can get to combining our DNA, and we kind of like the idea of blending our families like that. We've also talked about having a friend or acquaintance donate. Our biggest hesitation is in avoiding any legal loophole that could have someone trying to come back and claim their child later. That freaks us out.

* I'm waiting to hear back from my accountant so that I can find out how much money I owe to the government. While I definitely owe money, I'm excited to find out how far under my saved amount I will be. In other words, I've got X amount already saved for taxes, so X - actual total = money that can go into the wedding fund!

* Wedding planning is fun and not terribly stressful because we booked a venue that includes almost everything we need (dinner, bar, DJ, photographer, flowers, etc.). Jersey and I are trying to figure out the guest list, which is so difficult because of all the people that don't fit neatly into a definite yes or a definite no. We are also working on our registries and finding pictures of cake designs and bouquets that we like. At first I was worried about finding a officiant to do the ceremony (or getting a friend ordained to do it), but then I realized that this isn't going to be a legally recognized marriage anyway, so we should be able to have any friend of ours perform the ceremony with no official status.

* Knowing that we are paying for a wedding/reception next spring, and that we would like to have a baby soon afterward, makes my current job insecurities even worse. I know I've been lucky to do so well over the past year, especially in an industry that has so notoriously fallen apart recently. I've held on to my job, despite changes that have been made in my company (and despite the lack of support from some powers that be), but I'm now facing another challenge to my position. I get nervous not knowing what could happen day to day.

* Partially due to my job insecurity (and partially because I just miss it), I am thinking about going back to school. I'd be looking for an online program, or at least something that is mostly online, so that I would be able to maneuver around my current schedule. And, yes, I am disciplined enough to be able to handle online courses. So, what degree? I haven't gotten that far yet. I want something that will give me a solid (marketable?) career skill; right now I can only fall back on administrative work and food service. Obviously something in a field that isn't going anywhere would be nice, too. My BA is in psychology, which is a nice start for a lot of other things. If I'm leaning toward anything right now, it's probably an MBA. I'm open to other ideas...

* Along with the idea of going back to school, and where I may find future jobs, is the fact that Jersey and I will almost definitely be moving away from Las Vegas within the next five years. I've never particularly liked it here and she hates it. The only reason I'd want to stay is because my mom is here, and while that is a HUGE reason, it can't be my only one. We are doing a (very) preliminary search of different places right now, just so we have some ideas of where we might end up (and because I like to do lots of research before I make decisions). Current possibilities include WA, CA, and CO. There's an outside chance of New England. We'll see.

So that's where my mind is at. My biggest problem is combining too many of these thoughts into one big mess. Focus!

Ten Things Tuesday

Ten Random Things (because too many things are jumping around in my head for me to be more specific)

1. Facebook has been freaky, but fun. I've found lots of people from middle school and high school (12-15 years ago!); it's interesting to see who is married and who has kids. I think my best connection so far has been with a former friend who moved away when we were 10. It was just so random and there's a chance he will be visiting Vegas next month, so we may be able to see each other after 20 years.

2. I am dragging my ass right now because I'm sick with a cold that totally caught me by surprise on Sunday night/Monday morning. I refuse to let it ruin my big day tomorrow...in fact, if it attempts to ruin my day, I will drown it in Captain Morgan.

3. What is my big day tomorrow? My 30th birthday! I love my birthday in the most boring of years, so I am super excited about this one. I plan to enter my 30s happy and confident, and I look forward to all that will come my way in the next decade (a wife, babies, a new home, etc.). Tomorrow I will enjoy breakfast with my mom, some work and birthday cake at the office and at home, and a happy hour celebration with Jersey, my mom, friends, and coworkers. Oh, and I may be wearing a tiara or something all day. I'm goofy like that.

4. I have been exceptionally lazy about working out for a few months now, and it shows. There is no excuse and I know I need to take control of my body. So, last week, Jersey and I returned to the gym. On Saturday, my mom and I resumed our yoga practice (though we went back to the beginning class to get a refresher). I'm glad I'm getting back to exercising and I will be eating better as well. Here's to being bikini ready by June 1st!

5. Seriously, I want to stop sneezing now.

6. Warning: Rant Ahead. Ok, this is actually a short rant, given how many things I could say about this situation, but I think most of it has been said by now. The father of the octuplet mom (the grandfather of the babies) is defending the situation by saying that "it's God's wish". Um, no. It's not. I'm not knocking fertility treatments; hell, Jersey and I will need help to have babies of our own. But that's science, not God.

7. Does anyone have any hints for making sushi at home? I mean, I have Sushi for Dummies and the basic equipment. Are there any hints that I might be missing? I'll be attempting this in about 2 weeks and I'm a little nervous about messing it up, though I figure we can order pizza if things go terribly wrong. That's the nice thing about experimenting with a laid-back crowd.

8. If there are any Paula Poundstone fans reading this, just remember one thing if you ever go see her live...don't draw attention to yourself or you run the risk of her teasing you. Jersey and I went to see her perform on Friday night (we've seen her before, too). A few people, including Jersey, got up in the middle of the show to use the restroom, but she left them alone. Usually, I have a SUPER bladder, but damn if those beers didn't go right through me at the wrong time! I got up and, sure enough, Paula decided to notice. I became part of her show for a few minutes and it was surreal. Admittedly, it was all harmless and fun, but I'm not really the spotlight type of girl.

9. Jersey and I think our kitten, Max, may be deaf. He just doesn't respond properly to noise. There are times when he seems to jump at a sudden sound, but just as often, he looks around like he's totally lost. Hell, our glass coffee table came crashing down a few weeks ago and he didn't budge. I guess we should ask the vet to check that out. Of course, I'm sure the fact that he runs into walls all the time doesn't help. He sure is adorable, though!


10. I love Dunkin Donuts, but I want to know what is holding up construction on the new location right down the street from me. They've had the "Coming Soon" sign up for months and keep saying that it will be open in about two weeks. That would be great, except that Jersey and I stopped by and looked in the window; there is absolutely nothing happening in there. In the meantime, I have to drive in the opposite direction of my office to get my caffeine fix. Come on! Open this one up!

Pop Quiz, Hot Shot

So, I've pretty much sucked at blogging lately, and I really do want to get into some sort of posting rhythm. Nothing terribly forced, but at least something more regular. I was on vacation all of last week (so I'm excused from that portion of my absence), and I will definitely be posting all about that this weekend. In the meantime, Mrs. Chili has sent me some thought-provoking interview questions, so I will consider her my kick in the ass. Yay!

1. You've found the love of your life, but you didn't get there by a direct route (though, to be fair, how many of us do?) How did you know Jersey was the One?

Most simply stated, my relationship with Jersey is completely unlike the failed relationships of my past and that contrast made it terribly evident that this is what love is supposed to be. It's natural, pure, and unconditional. Also, everyone around us seemed to know we were in love before we knew...and that makes me realize that I wasn't clouded with over-analysis along the way. I truly like her as much as I love her, and I treasure our friendship as much as our physical relationship.

2. Look back on your childhood. What about the person you are as an adult would surprise that little girl? How are you different than you imagined you'd be?

Well, this is going to sound rather egotistical, but I never thought I would be considered attractive (by myself or anyone else) and I have become very comfortable with my body and femininity. Growing up, I was "the smart one" and "little miss perfect". I was responsible and mature and all that good stuff. Now, as much as I value being a good person on the inside, I admit that I like feeling good about my appearance. Appreciative looks (not stares) are, well, appreciated. I'm still smart and kind and funny, but I can be pretty, too. There's nothing inherently wrong about that.






I'm on the left. The little nerd with the cute sister.

Still on the left. Still have a cute sister.









3. You've got a weekend COMPLETELY off - no commitments, no obligations, no appointments. What are you going to do with yourself for two whole days?

I suppose that this depends slightly on how far we take the fantasy...do I also have extra spending money? If so, I'm probably headed for Southern California for the weekend or up to the Bay Area to visit my sister. If it's just a normal weekend with my existing bank account, I'm going to sleep in, play some old-school Nintendo, watch a movie or some tv show on dvd, read, take a bubble bath, and go out for dinner (which will involve cocktails or wine), and cuddle with Jersey. In all fairness, most of my weekends are close to this. I usually do a little bit of work from home on the weekend, but other than that I'm free to relax a decent amount. Until I have children, I figure I might as well be somewhat selfish with my down time.

4. What's your superpower, your hidden talent, your gift to the world?

This was hard for me to answer. I really don't know and I'd have to poll my friends and family for help. For now, I'll say that I'm really good at remembering numbers...phone numbers, birthdays, etc. I got it from my dad and it's a little freaky at times that I can recite info about kindergarten classmates that I haven't seen in over 15 years. Jersey is excited about this talent because she has a HUGE Irish Catholic family and has trouble remembering who half of them are, let alone dates and other details.

5. What's your guilty pleasure (or, alternately, what do you love that you're not terribly out loud about? What do you dig that's really NOT mainstream or cool)?

This was difficult for a different reason...I came up with a few answers and had to pick one. I've decided that one guilty pleasure can stay private, one isn't that bad and I'll reveal it when it occurs in a few weeks, and I'll discuss the third now. I am a big fan of musicals and have great difficulty sitting still while watching any of them on dvd (I'm not an ass who will disrupt theaters or anything live). Basically, if I put in a dvd of any musical, I will be up and performing songs. I may stand on furniture and sing into a hairbrush, spatula, or candle. I may even dance, depending on the musical. It's silly and I'd probably be horrified if anyone outside my family saw it, but I have this star inside me just dying to get out. My favorites include The Sound of Music (I'm madly in love with Christopher Plummer) and Rent.

More Randomness

Some of the stuff bouncing around in my head:

* My kitchen still looks the same as it did last week. I have two estimates for the repair work and will be getting another on Monday. At that point I will probably be talking to my insurance company about increasing their settlement a little bit, because the numbers aren't matching well. In the meantime, I have had an incredible urge to clean the rest of my house in depth...I'm guessing it's my way of trying to make myself feel like I am in control despite the chaos.

* This is probably my favorite time of year when it comes to professional sports. It's the baseball playoffs, football has started, and hockey is just around the corner. Yes, I am a huge Angels fan, so I won't discuss the LA/Boston series too much...I'd hate to piss off half my readership at once! I will say that my biggest issue in any competition based discussion is sportsmanship. For NFL week one, Jersey and I went to watch the games at a local bar. She and I were both wearing team jerseys, as were many others there. Some idiot felt that it was necessary to come all the way over to where we were sitting just to tell us that our team sucks and that we're assholes. Um, thanks. Anyway, in any sport, I will respect that other teams have true fans who love them, just as much as I hate them. I'm totally okay with that, but don't taunt me just to be mean. You cheer for your team, I'll cheer for mine, and we can do some friendly jabbing every now and then.

* Last night was the first time I've sat down to watch an entire debate. I have various touchy issues throughout politics, but there is one nagging question that I've had for a while. It's difficult to bring up to people because it sounds like I want to start a fight...and I really don't. I'm honestly confused and would love an explanation. What exactly is the big problem for the people who are okay with same sex "civil unions" but against same sex "marriage"? I mean, I've heard lots of people (12-15ish) who have said "Yeah, I have no problem with allowing same sex unions that entitle couples to joint insurance, hospital visitation rights, childcare decisions, etc. I just don't think that they should be allowed to get married." I guess my question is whether there is a difference beyond the vocabulary. Is it just that "marriage" implies some sort of religious union (though plenty of married couples aren't religious at all)? Is that what people are upset about? Does "civil union" imply a state decision and "marriage" imply a federal one? I just can't figure out what the difference between a "civil union" and a "marriage" is, assuming that these couples get all the rights that heterosexual couples do. Any ideas? What I am missing?

* Every day at work (well, everywhere, really) I am astonished at how many people expect everyone else to wipe their asses for them. Maybe it's that I was taught personal responsibility and other people missed that life lesson, but it's just awful that people don't make coffee after they take the last cup, don't turn it required paperwork until their paycheck is being held for it, don't pay their own annual/biannual/quarterly dues, etc. I hear excuses like "I didn't know" or "nobody told me" all day long. Seriously, how do these people not starve when they run out of groceries at home? Or do they get magical food drops from the sky? Nothing seems to be their fault...somebody else always did it to them. Ugh.

* It's still hot here in Vegas, but I am looking forward to the holidays! Thanksgiving will be spent at my grandparents' house in California. Normally we stay home, but my best friend from high school is getting married on the Friday after Thanksgiving, so Jersey and I will be in CA for that and my mom and sister decided to join us. Then, my sister is coming to Vegas for Christmas and Jersey has moved her East Coast visit up a little so that she can be here with me on Christmas, her birthday, and New Year's. Yay!

* Other assorted fun coming up: Jersey's mom is visiting at the beginning of November. I met her in July, but this will be the first time our moms are meeting each other. In fact, it's the first time my mom is meeting any family of anyone I've ever dated. Big step! I'm nervous in an excited sort of way.

In January, Jersey and I are going to Jamaica for a week. It will be a very relaxing vacation, unlike the trips we've taken where we are trying to cram a million things into a few days. Oh, and it's all-inclusive...alcohol, too! Yes, we'll behave.

I turn 30 in February! And I LOVE my birthday. Always have, always will. This February, I am planning a big party at Disneyland and we'll see if I can actually get a little group together. My aforementioned best friend lives about 15 minutes away from Disneyland and her birthday is just 12 days after mine, so maybe she and her new husband can join us. Jersey and I are in the process of trying to get her sister out here from Albany for the celebration. My sister (hopefully) will be flying down for it. My mom, of course, will be there. I've told lots of coworkers as well, and I'd love to see who can make it a big weekend of fun. For the record, if any of my (three? four?) readers would like to make some sort of family vacation out of it, I'd love to meet you. It's the three-day weekend (2/14-2/16). I'm just looking forward to wearing the special birthday Mickey ears and the huge button that says "It's my birthday".

Weekend Randomness

It's another hot Saturday in Vegas and I have lots of things to do before Jersey's friend arrives for an overnight stay. Plenty of things about which to blog have crossed my mind, so I'll just throw a few of them together in a pile of random.

***Last night was the Stand Up to Cancer special on ABC, NBC, and CBS. I always like it when lots of powerful people get together for a good cause, and cancer has already had a profound effect on my life. I decided to call in to make a donation, small though it may have been, and I kinda hoped I'd get to talk to some nifty celebrity volunteer in the process. No such luck with that, but my father did make an appearance of sorts. Yes, he died nine years ago, but he seemed to be keeping tabs on my phone call.

When the nice operator answered, I have to admit that I had three people on my mind: my dad and my two biggest mentors, both of whom had also passed away from cancer. So, when asked if I would like to make a donation in memory of anyone, I hesitated momentarily, trying to decide if I could do some sort of multiple honor thing or if I should just stick to my dad. Before we got to any specifics about that, the operator asked for my name. I gave it to her and spelled it carefully and she repeated it back. But, you know how people clarify certain letters by saying "A as in apple" and such? Well, the only times she used "as in" were when she said "L as in Larry" and "D as in David". Odd, since my dad's given name was David and he went by Larry, a shortened version of his middle name. I definitely made a weird face at Jersey when I realized that my dad was saying hi to me through this lady. Oh, and you're welcome for the donation, dad. I gave it all in your name.

***I've known for a while that we are part of an instant-gratification society, but I noticed something last night that made me laugh out loud. I was making some instant pudding...crazy good, bright green, pistachio flavor. Though I've made it before, I glanced at the back of the box to make sure I was adding the correct amount of milk. At the top are the basic directions to add two cups of milk and mix until blended, about two minutes. Right below that are the words "Quicker Way", with the instructions on how to hurry up the pudding making process. Um, seriously, what's wrong with us that two minutes is too long?!? I decided to enjoy my dessert making, and I happily took all 120 seconds.

***A couple of weeks ago, there was a news story about the nine-year-old baseball pitcher who was told that he is not allowed to pitch anymore because he throws the ball too fast. He's too good at what he does and it's not considered fair to the other players. Now, I don't know all the details of this story, and I know this is a more extreme example, but I don't like it one bit. I don't like all the "fairness" rules out there, where kids must all get a chance to play each position, or where everyone gets the same trophy at the end of a competition. I don't like "try-outs" where anyone who shows up gets to make the team. I'm tired of people whining that they are just kids and everything should be equal. Sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. Everyone, kids included, need to realize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, natural abilities and things that take a lot of effort.

I am not saying that there can't be aspects of activities that acknowledge a wider base. For example, there was an annual Girl Scout Olympic-style track and field day. All of us who tried, in any of the events, were given a ribbon for our participation. Heat winners got a ribbon for their accomplishments. The best in each event got trophies. I never won a trophy, but I loved all of my participation ribbons and had a great time at each one of these competitions.

Some kids are going to be better athletically, some academically, some artistically. Why not teach them to embrace their natural talents, while allowing them the exploration into areas in which they don't excel, so that they also learn to appreciate defeat? Why must the winners feel like they have nothing to show for their efforts, when the losers got the same recognition? Why can't we teach children to work hard, be proud, and stop blaming other people for things that don't go their way?

***Please send good energy my way over the next few weeks. There are some ongoing changes in my workplace and I am on a roller coaster of sorts. Everything has the potential to go well, but shake-ups are always a little scary and I don't want to be fearful. I will keep my head up and take what comes my way with a smile, but some positive power from my friends can't hurt!