Our Past Selves

About two months ago, I received a Facebook friend request from a familiar name from my past.  There’s not much that really shocks me in life, but there was definitely a moment of surprise as I realized that I was being contacted by the man to whom I lost my virginity.  He was a coworker of mine the summer before I went away to college; I was 18 at the time and he was significantly older.  He was also my manager and I was the restaurant hostess (some stereotypes are true!).  We had a summer fling before I packed up my stuff and moved across the country.

I had no hesitation in accepting the friend request.  I followed that up by browsing through his pictures, noting that he is now married with three kids and still lives in Southern California.  It wasn't long before I received a message from him with a quick hello and surprised congratulations on my marriage (the surprise was fair enough, given that his experience with me didn't exactly indicate that I’d be married to a woman).  We chatted back and forth a bit, simply updating each other on the significant events in our lives…no big deal.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he brought up our past.  He said that he wasn't sure whether my wife was reading his messages (she wasn't) , or whether she even knew about him (she does), but that he felt awful about everything that had happened and wanted to apologize to me.  Honestly, I was probably more surprised by his apology than by the friend request.  First, I was the one who initiated our entire encounter 15 years ago.  I approached him, I told him what I wanted, and I explained that it would be a no-strings-attached fling.  Second, while I completely understand that the experience wasn't really the way a “first time” should go (no romance, no magic, not even an actual relationship), I have never regretted what we did.  Not for a second.  In fact, I’m still proud that I felt like I was in control of my decision and that it was never something that just happened to me.  I’m not sorry.

We discussed his worry that he has taken advantage of me; I told him that I understood where he was coming from, but that I had never felt that way about it.  I pointed out that many (most?) 30-something men would react the same way to an eager 18-year-old.  He held to his apology, telling me that I was a tremendous young woman back then and that he hoped I had gotten great things in life.

I reflected upon my utter naiveté about the whole situation and laughed (groaned? rolled my eyes?) at how little I knew about physical/emotional entanglements.  Back then, I thought I was so mature and understood so much.  Looking back, I was ridiculous.  He assured me that we’re all pretty different from who we were 15 years ago.  I think he intended to show me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for being a silly teenager; I turned it back on him so that he would let himself off the hook a bit. 

It also made me think about how much we are always changing.  I mean, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago…I was not the same person I am today.  It’s actually funny to imagine the things I would tell my past self, and even more interesting to think of things that I would intentionally withhold from myself.  What should I have known then, and what was I better off not knowing?  I may shake my head at that inexperienced girl, but she did pretty well all by herself.  I’m not sure I’d change a damn thing.

Playing Dumb

This certainly isn't a new thing.  In fact, my parents very specifically warned me against doing it when I was a child.  Yet, as I see it more and more among adults in my life, I want to scream.  Playing dumb is dumb.

When I was young, school was my thing.  I mean, I got great grades and was mocked (bullied?) for being "Little Miss Perfect."  I wasn't athletic or pretty or anything else particularly outstanding...but I did well in school.  Obviously, my parents saw enough of it to warn me that I should be proud of being smart.  They did not want me to hide it for the sake of pleasing others, or to make myself more "acceptable" to the insecure.  So, I embraced it, surrounded myself with good friends, and let it be.

Now, I see women around me (more than a few) who seem to have made playing dumb a way of life.  Perhaps I'm more sensitive to it because I was explicitly told NOT to behave that way, but it bothers me.  Actually, it scares me a little because I can't totally tell whether they are smart women who are playing dumb or whether they are just women who were never encouraged to be smart in the first place.

Before I go any further, I'd like to clarify a couple of things.  First, I'm not sitting up here on my high horse and saying that I've never played dumb.  However, when I've done it, it's been an occasional, strategic manipulation in order to achieve a specific goal.  I've never used it as a day-to-day "this is who I am."  Second, I'm not criticizing people who weren't lucky enough to have my parents, my education, my experiences, etc.  We all have different talents, measured in different ways.  Some people have book smarts, others have street smarts, plenty have a combination of both.  All of that is awesome and I certainly don't think I'm above anyone else in that regard.  This post isn't about women who hate reading, suck at math, or have crappy grammar.  This is about women who act helpless, so that other people will do the heavy lifting of their lives.

It freaks me out to see professionals shrug their shoulders, bat their doe eyes, pout, and use just enough of a whine to make people jump up and do things for them, to make decisions on their behalf.  The pathetic "I don't know...help me" look shakes my very core.  Why is this okay to them?  When did it become acceptable to let other people pull the strings? If a generation of these women are now raising daughters of their own, what the hell will the future hold?  We were given a backbone for a reason; we need to stand tall. Asking for help when we truly need it is a sign of strength.  Asking for help when we don't, is a weakness.

Stork Update

It's very interesting that I wrote my last post at that particular time. Jersey and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months, so I could have written that at almost any time. Instead, I happened to share it with the universe on that specific day. Well, just a few days later, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Seven more tests followed (because I'm crazy and it was fun to see all of the positive tests lined up) and we were incredibly excited. My first prenatal appointment was scheduled at 9 weeks, and Jersey and I worked hard to keep our special little secret for a bit. I went to work that week and stayed as normal as possible, so that my mom and all of my coworkers wouldn't see right through me. Everything was going great.

Then, I miscarried.

When the bleeding first started, I panicked (duh!), but I also knew that many women experience some of that during the first trimester. I tried to stay as calm as possible, since I really didn't know anything yet. The following morning, my morning sickness kicked in and I became a hormonal mess. Between the uncertainty of the pregnancy and the fun of spending the morning on the bathroom floor, I kept crying. At that point, I knew I had to tell my mom...and let me tell you, it was not fun having to tell her that I was pregnant and that I might be losing the baby all in one sentence. I also scheduled an appointment to see a doctor asap. I had one blood test done then, with a second test four days later. Our appointment for those results was on Monday, though I already knew that it was over. I've gotten to know my body very well over the past year, plus the morning sickness had disappeared.

I'm doing much better now that the roller coaster has stopped. I'm the type of person who likes information and plans, so I'm thrilled to be past the "I don't know what's happening" stage. I also came to the important realization that I really don't like the doctor with whom I spoke. My regular doctor is on maternity leave, so I switched to this replacement, but I'm looking forward to switching back as soon as possible. This doctor was nice enough, but I honestly felt like I knew way more about my body and how we are conceiving (which is obviously not traditional) than she did. She gave me questionable advice, and I'm glad I've done enough research to feel secure in ignoring her.

So, now I have an appointment with the nurse practitioner who is known as the office's "fertility expert" and I am ready to pick her brain. Jersey and I plan to start trying again as soon as my body gets back to normal. I'm very much looking at the bright side of all of this...now I know that I can get pregnant, which was a big question mark before my miscarriage. Also, now that I've miscarried, I can go to the doctor as soon as I get pregnant again, so that they can help boost my hormone levels and keep an eye on me.

The bottom line is that I'll be fine and this is something that happens to a lot of women, even if most don't talk about it. It really sucked when I was in the middle of it, but I'm glad that I can look forward. Plus, I know that when I have my baby in my arms, there will be no doubt that he/she is the baby I was supposed to have. My time will come.

Where is the Freakin' Stork?

First comes love, then comes marriage...now we want a baby carriage. From the time we were little kids, both Jersey and I have known that we want to be mothers. Before we met, we had individually come to the conclusion that we would even be single mothers if it came down to that. Fortunately, we fell in love and got married, so we don't have to go down that road. Instead, we can share in the joys of mommyhood and we're eager to do so.

About a year ago, I started doing research into how to get knocked up (given the obvious obstacle of being married to a woman). I am one of those types that loves to gather LOTS of information, so that I can make very informed decisions and have time to digest every step along the way. I started charting my cycle and my basal body temperature (there's an app for that!) and registered with a cryobank. Jersey and I read through the profiles of many donors and made a list of ones we liked. I visited my doctor for my annual exam and told her of our intention to use donor sperm to get pregnant in the privacy of our own home. We got hitched and looked forward to our new journey...

...which is so much harder than we thought it would be.

It's not that we expected that we could just buy a vial of the stuff, say abracadabra, and be done with it. We knew it could take few attempts. Still, I'm a healthy 31-year-old from a very fertile family and I have a predictable cycle. More than that, I DID MY HOMEWORK AND I AM DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT! Ah, yes, the perfectionist in me can't stand that I'm really up against something over which I have no control. Okay, I have some control, but it's becoming clear that my eggs and some little frozen swimmers did not pay attention to my many months of research. I don't like that (though I know it's a great peek toward the future baby who will also fail to read the instruction manual). I stopped drinking alcohol after our honeymoon, I've cut back on caffeine, I'm taking a multi-vitamin with extra iron and folic acid, and I've returned to my weekly yoga class. My body is ready...where's the baby?

Recently, a friend/co-worker announced her pregnancy. I knew that she and her hubby had been trying for baby #2 for a while, so it wasn't a total shock. What was a surprise was the instantly awful feeling of jealousy. I am not a jealous person at all and my reaction truly bothered me. I mean, I get it. It's something that I want to announce. She beat me to it and that bummed me out. Still, I am not proud of feeling so upset by it. Then, to top it all off, she miscarried and is now back to the same point I'm at. Yeah, that made me feel pretty rotten, too.

So, we've spent thousands of $$$ so far (vials, shipping, insemination kits, ovulation tests, etc.) and there's no bun in the oven yet. We get discouraged every time this doesn't work, but are keeping a positive attitude about it as much as possible. I'm in the process of making an appointment with my doctor, just to put my mind at ease about anything being physically wrong. We know that plenty of couples take a long time to get pregnant, but it sucks when we have to pay so much to try each month, so we'd rather make sure that there aren't any hidden problems. Honestly, despite the semi-negative tone of this little rant, we know that this will happen for us. There isn't a doubt in our minds that we will be mommies. It's just frustrating buying little vials of frozen goodies instead of using that money for a snazzy stroller or adorable baby bedding. We're ready for our little one, but patience is a virtue.

Right?

Time Flies

Well, I had every intention (road to hell, blah blah) of writing much more before my wedding. That's totally not happening. My life has been a whirlwind lately...a good whirlwind, but a whirlwind nonetheless. Work has been incredibly busy and we've been wrapping up wedding details, plus family is arriving. I made it through last week without an anxiety attack, which was pretty impressive. Now, I am living it up this week and enjoying every minute up to, and including, Saturday's wedding.

I'll be posting pictures and filling you all in on more details after things calm back down.

Monday Meme

I stole this, as is true of most of my memes, from Mrs. Chili.

1. How old will you be in five years? I will be 36 and that's so strange to me.

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? Jersey is too obvious, so I'll go with my new "boss" at work. I'm sure a post regarding my latest occupational adventure will be coming soon.

3. How tall are you? I say 5'5", though I am technically 5'4 3/4".

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Um, my wedding and honeymoon.

5. What’s the last movie you saw? 2012...I love me some John Cusack, but the movie was a general disappointment.

6. Who was the last person you called? My mom

7. Who was the last person to call you? Jersey

8. What was the last text message you received? Jersey asked me what time I would be home from work.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? I don't remember, but it was probably one of my idiot co-workers/clients. And I say idiot because all the smart ones know to reach me via email.

10. Do you prefer to call or text? Text, text, text. I've never liked to talk on the phone, even when I was a teenager. I actually panic when I have to make phone calls, and I usually ignore the phone if it rings (unless it's someone I know very well).

11. What were you doing at 12am last night? I was sound asleep. Long gone are my night owl years. I doubt I'll see another 12am until I am up with a newborn.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? They divorced after 20+ years of marriage. My dad has since passed away and my mom is single.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom? This afternoon. She and I work together, which is awesome.

14. What color are your eyes? Blue-green. I'd say they are slightly more blue, but they become very green if I wear green.

15. What time did you wake up today? A little before 7:00am, and that's with no alarm. For those who don't know me well, that's an amazing feat. I am not a morning person, but I've worked hard to train my body.

16. What are you wearing right now? Jeans, my Angels jersey, and my Angels hat. It's baseball season's opening day!

17. What is your favorite christmas song? O Holy Night

18. Where is your favorite place to be? I love being at home. Oh, but I also love hotel rooms.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be? Hard to say...stuck at a red light? Or in a long line? I'm impatient.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? So many places. Seattle, San Francisco, Southern California, anywhere tropical, New York City, New England. I'm not terribly picky.

21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years? NOT in Las Vegas. Probably living in either Seattle or New England, raising 2 kids with my beautiful wife.

22. Do you tan or burn? Mostly burn. I've learned to stay out of the sun, or at least cover myself in sunscreen.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? I don't remember being afraid of much.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? Jersey makes me laugh all the time. Sometimes we wonder if we're too silly because our laugh to cry ratio is about 100:1.

25. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3...the pretty plasma HD in the living room and older ones in the bedroom and office.

26. How big is your bed? It's a queen, but we plan to upgrade to a king when we move in a few years.

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? Both. The desktop is in our home office and the laptop travels with me to work and back.

29. What color are your sheets? Where is #28? Anyway, currently, we are using our navy blue jersey sheets. As the weather warms up we will be switching to our lavender and white plaid sheets.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2...one under my head and one to hug.

31. What is your favorite season? Probably autumn.

32. What do you like about Autumn? It's just a cozy time of year. I also love pumpkin spice lattes, football season, and the baseball playoffs. I'd love the leaves, if I lived somewhere that had any pretty ones.

33. What do you like about winter? More coziness. Lots of family time. Scarves. The quiet of snow (if we ever get any). I guess everything just seems slow and peaceful.

Life

I've been gone from here for a very long time. I'd apologize, but I'm not entirely sure I'm really sorry about it. I mean, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to connect with the few of you who read me, but I'm not sorry that I've been really busy with life. Let's see if I can catch you up on the highlights...

Work - So, there I was, struggling to keep my job. A job a really don't even like that much. I was thinking about starting a Masters program at night and looking for other employment. Then, the owner of the company for which I work decided to let go of her executive assistant, and she needed someone she trusted to jump in and help while she interviewed for a new EA. I offered, she accepted, and I found myself with a "part-time" and "temporary" second job. What I thought would be a chance to just make a few extra dollars turned into about 35 hours a week for over two months. You see, the owner goes through a very slooooow interview process, so it took her quite a while to find someone.

Once the new EA had arrived, I was busy training her and working on a couple of projects that were already in progress. I figured I'd be around another week or two to wrap things up, but nope. Out of nowhere, the owner's administrative manager/coordinator decided to just bail on the job. Suddenly, the owner desperately needed help filling that position, so I moved over to that desk. It's now been about three weeks and she is really no closer to hiring a new employee. As for me, I'm up to almost 40 hours a week, plus a pay raise when I moved into the second position. So, what's the craziest part about all of this? I'm still doing my regular job...though I now do it in the morning, at lunch, at night, and on weekends. I'm pretty exhausted and a little stressed, but all my extra effort may pay for the wedding. To pay the wedding off without dipping into my normal income would be incredible! Speaking of which...

The Wedding - Jersey and I spent a long weekend in June in New Jersey (with a quick trip to NYC for dinner & drinks) to celebrate our East Coast engagement party/bridal shower. It was a ton of fun to meet even more of her family and friends, plus the extra time I spent with those closest to her. I love that everyone has welcomed me with open arms and I'm glad to be a part of their lives, even in small ways.

We came back to Vegas in time for my sister and T. (my mom's significant other) to arrive in town; my sister stayed for almost three weeks, T. moved here. We all had a great time and spent one night on the West Coast engagement party, which was mostly my co-workers and a handful of friends. Oh, and my sister and I went to try on pretty bridesmaid dresses for her!

Jersey and I really need to finalize our official wedding guest list and send out Save the Date magnets...

The big hoopla wedding/reception for all the family and friends is taking place on April 24, 2010, so we have a bit of time to get our shit together for that, but time flies. Really, I have no idea where the year has gone. And while we may have time for the big hoopla planning, we are getting married in Massachusetts in four weeks.

Repeat.

We are getting married in Massachusetts in FOUR WEEKS! Ahhhh! Ok, I'm really thrilled, but WOW, that's right around the corner. We have a Justice of the Peace and will be getting married in her gazebo, which will be perfect. Plus, given the waiting period and the holiday weekend, we will have some time to relax in New England. I'm very much looking forward to that and have already warned my "part-time" "temporary" boss that I will not reschedule my wedding for her.

TLC - With everything going on right now, I have made a very conscious effort to do nice things for myself (and Jersey) on occasion. In the past several weeks, we've made a trip to a nearby winery, strolled through our favorite outdoor shopping center, treated ourselves to massages, and jumped in the car for a very random trip to San Diego. It's been amazing to reconnect with special moments in the midst of such a crazy time.

Ok, I'm yawning a LOT right now, so I'm gonna stop here...but I'm sure I'll be going into more details about all of this stuff at various times. Thanks to those of you who came back to read after all this time and I really have been reading you, too, even when I haven't had the chance to comment. I'll be back!

So Many Plans

I feel like I should be walking around with a calendar because time is flying and I have a lot of big things planned in the next several months. I hope I don't forget to show up somewhere. Just so that all of you can feel part of my schedule, here's a look at what's coming:

* June 24-28 - Jersey and I are flying to NJ for our "Engagement Party - East," where we will get to catch up with lots of family and friends. I think we're saving some money on this trip by staying with her mom instead of getting a hotel room. By the way, if any of you will be near NJ (specifically Rockaway Township) and would like to come to our crazy party, let me know!

* July 1-20 - My sister is coming to visit! She's a teacher and will be on her summer vacation; I'm very glad that she will be spending so much time with us during her break. We are incredibly goofy when we are together, plus she and Jersey get along very well. It will be so much fun and I can't wait to see her.

* Early July - My mom's significant other, T., will be moving back to Vegas. He's been in Texas for a while (two or three years maybe...I've lost track) and I don't like that I've only been able to see him on brief visits. He's so much fun and life is better with him around. We plan to celebrate his return by grilling burgers and drinking rum.

* July 18 - "Engagement Party - West" will be held at my mom's home. How great is it that my sister and T. will be here for the fun?!? As with our other party, let me know if any of you will be around for the Vegas bash.

* September 3-8 - Crazy East Coast wedding weekend with lots of driving. This isn't 100% set yet, but it's looking pretty solid. Jersey and I will be flying to Boston, applying for a marriage license, hanging out somewhere in the general area for a couple of days (and seeing a blog friend or two?), driving down to NJ for a family wedding, coming back to MA with a probable visit to P-town, picking up the marriage license, and getting married in a tiny (legal!) ceremony. Mrs. Chili and Auntie, we'd love to meet up with you guys together/separately/however/wherever/whenever. Jersey and I don't mind driving all over the place, so don't worry about that. Auntie, if you're interested, shoot me an email (morgangirl11 at gmail dot com) and we can chat about it. Mrs. Chili, I know things are hectic in your life right now, so we can figure it all out as it gets closer. I can't believe I'm going to get married in a few months!

* April 24-May 1 - Big wedding and honeymoon time. While we are getting legally married in MA in September, the big wedding/reception in front of friends and family will be in Vegas on April 24, 2010. The honeymoon location has not been determined, but we have some ideas. I definitely understand why some people think that spending money/time/energy on a huge celebration is silly, but it's something that Jersey and I look forward to sharing with people. This will be a once in a lifetime party for us, so we're going to make it as special as possible.

So, did I miss anything?!?

Time to Change

***Note: For some reason the font style/size keeps changing after I hit "publish" and I can't figure out why. Sorry! I hope it's not terribly difficult to read.***

About a week ago, my mom received the following letter from a coworker of ours:

A Memorial: James J. Pechacek 1954-2009

My husband passed away on Tuesday. Actually, he was my Fiance. We'd been engage for 33 years. He tried to hang on long enough for us to get married. That goal helped keep him alive for the last several years. He'd have been perfectly content with "domestic partnership".

JJ was a very private person. Few of you ever met him, nor even knew of his existence. Those who did were indeed, very privileged.

JJ was the counter balance force in my life. We were polar opposites in so many ways. He was a meticulous stickler for details, a deep thinker, a slow responder. He prided himself on his rationality, and his memory. JJ was the best "phone a friend" walking encyclopedia that anyone could have ever hoped to have known. And though he didn't think so, he was the cutest little puppy in the world.

JJ was the first fan of Vintage Vegas. He's the one who made me believe 20 years ago that we could create a vibrant, energetic, fun urban core. When we first moved to Las Vegas 1985, he's the one who only wanted to live downtown. He's the one who pointed out the first "mid mod" homes that I soon fell in love with. We didn't know the words for mid mod, but JJ's the one who showed me why they were important. JJ was my biggest supporter, my most ardent fan. And he was my most vocal critic. I'm so going to miss him.

JJ liked his privacy and his anonymity. I was most shocked on Sunday when he told me that I could tell some of our story in public...as long as it was to make a point.

We met in 1975. We were both 21 year olds. He was hitchhiking to Florida. I was driving the semi-truck. I stopped to pick him up in Louisville, and was in love before we got to Nashville. He wanted to be a Gypsy. I wanted to be rich. He wanted to see the great cities and buildings and mountains and rivers and I wanted to meet a couple of million interesting people. We both got what we wanted.

It's been a long, exciting, and fun journey since then. We've been rich and poor and rich and poor again. We've been healthy and sick. We've been fun loving and furious. We were a couple thru lots of thick and thin. We were PARTNERS. That's the word we used to describe ourselves. And in our minds and in the reality of space and time we were married. We were married because we said we were. We could have cared less what any church might have thought. That our government considered us second class citizens...mattered a lot.

It was crushing to me yesterday when the coroner's office didn't have a category that described us for the death certificate. They wrote that he was SINGLE. They said I WASN'T THE NEXT OF KIN!

Back in January, the hospital recognized the legal power of attorney and other forms that had cost us thousands of dollars in legal fees. Most "not married" couples don't have those papers ready when they need them. Many couldn't afford them in the first place. We were fortunate in that regard. Without them, they wouldn't have even had to let me into the room.

There's a thousand things, both big and small that require "the stamp of recognition" from out various governments. Social Security Survivor benefits, taxes, inheritance rules, property rights, parental rights, and on and on and on. This is no small matter to the lives of many millions of Americans.

And that brings us to the irony of the timing of JJ's passing. Within a few minutes one way or the other of JJ's death...The Nevada Senate passed "Domestic Partnership" legislation. JJ would be very proud of them. Many of our best friends are in Carson City this week to tell our stories, and to lobby for passage of the bill. JJ wanted me to go, but I couldn't leave him alone for 3 days. I've asked them to deliver a copy of this obituary for me.

Our governor has said that he'll veto it if it passes. Why? Because "he doesn't believe in it" is the only answer he has. JJ believed in it and so do I. I hope you do, as well.

One of JJ's final requests was that I tell you our story and that I ask all of you, in his memory, to PLEASE call or write the Nevada Legislature, AND THE GOVERNOR and tell them that you support domestic partnership legislation. For that matter, tell the Congress and the President as well.

All JJ wanted was that I be recognized, at the barest of minimums, as his LEGAL "next of kin".

He asked my mom to pass it along to the rest of our office, which she did immediately. It also for passed along to individuals within the Nevada Legislature and we've already received some good news. Apparently, there were three people on the fence about this vote; one decided to vote in favor of domestic partnerships after reading this letter. Also, the latest news is that the Governor may sit back and let it pass. He says he won't support it, but won't veto it either.

I honestly have no idea if this specific letter actually changed minds...or opened any. Maybe it was that all-important straw on the camel's back, or maybe it got ignored. All I know is that these stories are about something so incredibly simple. It's just love.

Monday Meme

I got this one from my sister...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

1. You are biased in the opposite way of what most people would guess.
2. What held you back?
3. I'm human.
4. Please look in the mirror when you say the things you direct at everyone else.
5. Happiness snowballs as much as unhappiness does.
6. I wish you were here to walk me down the aisle.
7. A lot of what happened was my own fault.
8. I regret being mad at you when you died.
9. Why are you afraid to be happy?
10. I am the least of your problems.

Nine things about myself:

1. I cried when I got my first "B" on a report card.
2. I cried when I got an "A" on report card, because I didn't deserve it.
3. If I could live anywhere, it would be in Newport Beach or Corona Del Mar, CA.
4. My dream is to be an author of psychological thrillers, but I admit that I am not putting any effort into that dream at this time.
5. I started wearing glasses when I was 18 months old, wore an eye patch when I was a toddler, and had two eye operations before I was ten; I currently wear no glasses or contacts, but that will probably change within the next few years.
6. My favorite sport is hockey, but that's followed very closely by football and baseball.
7. I kissed a girl when I was 16, but I dated only men until my current relationship began in February of 2008.
8. I've been to 43 of the 50 states (still missing Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Maine).
9. I like Easter candy better than Halloween candy, but I hate Peeps with a passion.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Appreciate sarcasm.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Respect my religious and political views, even if you disagree with them.
4. Allow me to have bad moods every now and then.
5. Don't make a big deal out of it when I cry.
6. Love my family.
7. Love your family.
8. Want to have children.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. My future
2. My past
3. Work
4. Educational opportunities
5. Wedding plans
6. Food
7. My family and friends

Six things I do before I fall asleep:

1. Take off my clothes
2. Brush my teeth
3. Turn on the TV
4. Read or do a crossword
5. Kiss Jersey
6. Curl into the fetal position

Five people who mean a lot to me:

1. Mom
2. My little sister
3. Jersey
4. My high school best friend (and bridesmaid)
5. Jersey's sister (because she's the most important person in Jersey's life)

Four things you're wearing right now:

1. A sundress
2. A white lace thong
3. Strappy sandals
4. My engagement ring

Three songs you listen to often:

1. Baba O'Riley - The Who
2. So What - Pink
3. Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi w/ Jennifer Nettles

Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Be a mother
2. Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary.

One confession:

I regret derailing my life when I became an anorexic cutter in college.

Vocabulary - Part 2

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my post yesterday. I want to take some time now to jump around to a few different points in relation to what I said. As I said yesterday, it's very hard to articulate my thoughts on all of this; the jump from brain to blog is tricky.

* To clarify my personal feeling about insults that are directed my way, well, I can say that I actually feel insulted about .001% of the time. Anyone who would hurl an insult at me, with anything but love (and teasing by friends and family counts as love in my book), is not someone who even matters to me. I'm not just saying that to act tough here; even as a small child who was taunted for being "little miss perfect" or "four-eyes" all the time, I was able to brush it off because those kids had no bearing on my self worth. When I said that I find "gay agenda" as insulting as "faggot" or "dyke," I was honest. I'm not personally insulted by any of it, but I think they are often said with the same ill-will.

* I understand the point that Anonymous made about us standing up for those with intellectual disabilities, since many of them are not able to verbalize their hurt. However, I think it's dangerous to compare slurs on the basis of whether the victim is able to fight back. If I'm hurt by someone who calls me a "dyke" and an autistic person is hurt because someone called them a "retard," then both of those are wrong and arguing which is more wrong is missing the point. We don't get to call certain people names just because they can take it.

* I also agree with Auntie and Mrs. Chili about words having the power that you give them. We make choices all the time, and if we choose to let words affect us, they will. That said, I am careful about what comes out of my mouth on a regular basis, because I feel like a constant stream of negativity does start wearing down good energy. It's not that I don't vent in anger, or make self-depracating jokes. I just try not to do those things too often because I think they gain power with repetition.

* The thread on my message board about homophobia and the gay agenda currently has 149 posts in it. From the discussion about the gay agenda came another debate about gay marriage, which wasn't a huge surprise. JW made a comment (and I know he's just one of many to do so) about being okay with homosexual unions with benefits and state approval, as long as homosexuals don't call themselves "married." To him, civil unions and the like are fine; marriage is not. I've written about this before and I still don't understand what the difference is. Let me put it this way:

I believe that murder is wrong. We could change the word "murder" to "apple-picking" and I would believe that apple-picking is wrong. We could use fifteen other words for it, and I would still believe that it is wrong. No vocabulary change is going to change a core belief of mine. So, why are so many people okay with civil unions and not marriage? Now, I have heard that the problem is that there is a religious connotation to "marriage" and homosexuals are sinners, blah, blah, blah. But why aren't there laws being passed that marriage must be between one man and one woman who believe in God? Atheists get married with little problem. I want the same right.

Ok, that's all I've got for now. My head is so jumbled with my thoughts on this, but I think I've made some of my main points. Go ahead, throw some jumbled crap back at me!

Vocabulary - Part 1

First, a bit of background information:

For the past 4 1/2 years, I have been a semi-active participant on a message board; the site is mainly for discussion about a baseball game, but there is an entire off-topic section in which people discuss movies, music, politics, religion, what they had for lunch, births of children, etc. There is a separate debate forum where things can get pretty heated when people disagree (which is often, of course). I check the boards a few times a day and comment when I feel like I have something to say. I've also met two of the other posters in person.

So, earlier this week, I was reading through some of the recent threads and opened one about the letter that John C. McGinley wrote about the use of the words "retard" or "retarded." Basically, he compared the use of "retard" to "nigger, or kike, or faggot, or jap, or kraut, or mick, or wop" and said that words hurt, so we need to remove such words from our vocabulary. This particular thread was started by someone I'll call JW; he is a conservative Christian with an autistic son and a history of arguing with the more liberal members of the message board. He and I have always gotten along, though we certainly agree to disagree on a lot of issues (like the fact that I am damned to hell for loving a woman).

In response to the topic at hand, I posted the following:

"...my point of view is definitely in the middle somewhere.

Any words can become derogatory, depending on the context and intent. I certainly don't think that the use of any particular word automatically makes someone a bigot. Getting too focused on banning the words themselves is like a dog chasing its tail; we'll be wasting a lot of energy and not getting very far.

That said, I also agree that the casual use of these words can desensitize people and if this brings about education and intelligent discussion, then I'm all for it. Overall, I'd rather see change in people's actions than their vocabulary, and if any discourse leads to that..."

With that done, I opened another new thread. This one started by linking an article about a homophobic incident. Honestly, I didn't even read the article; it didn't end up being my focus in the thread. What caught my eye was JW's response to the incident. He mentioned that people were "pushing the gay agenda" and that was enough to piss me off. So, I wrote:

"FWIW, I absolutely hate the phrase "gay agenda" and find it as insulting as faggot, dyke, or anything similar. It's as though homosexuals are distributing obscene brochures or holding recruiting meetings at which they force people to sign up for a pyramid scheme of satanic proportions. I guess I just see people who are trying to have a consensual relationship (possibly even recognized by the state?!?) with an adult that they love very much."

After another second, I realized I should follow it up with this:

"...just so I stay consistent with what I posted in the thread about using the word "retard"...

I don't think the phrase "gay agenda" should be banned and I don't think that the use of it necessarily means that someone is a bigot. I do hope that there is continued discussion about the issues behind the usage of the phrase and that people's actions can change as a result."

My thoughts are obviously more complex than I can properly explain on a message board, or this blog, but I do wonder what causes someone to worry about the use of one word (retard) and use others (gay agenda) so casually. Is it as simple as differentiating between what hits close to home and what doesn't? Am I wrong to think that actions speak louder than words? If we eliminate the use of some slurs, won't there be others to replace them? Shouldn't an off color joke be an opportunity to educate, rather than a need to silence?

I have more to say on the importance of words, but I will wait until tomorrow.

Tell Me Something Good

The company at which I work held its annual convention in Orlando about a month ago; I did not attend, but my mom did. When my mom and the other office attendees came back, they were very excited to share a new habit that they had learned from a guest speaker. This speaker said that he no longer asks someone how they are doing, upon saying hello. Instead, he opens with "tell me something good." His point was that people will often focus on the negative when given a wide opening; by narrowing it down to the positive, people stop to think about it. Since that lesson, many coworkers have changed their ringtones to the catchy 70s song (which I get stuck in my head a lot) and my mom and I greet each other each morning with "tell me something good."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a super bubbly, always positive, cheerleading type of person. I'm not incredibly social and I am not a big hugger. That being said, I've worked very hard at being happy (and I don't think that happiness requires any of the above) and I love that I start each day with a good attitude. I make a conscious decision to have that attitude and I think it spills over into all aspects of my life. It's great to see the good things that happen when you open yourself up to those possibilities.

For the past 2 1/2 weeks, I have been focused on eating right and exercising because I am trying to get in shape. I'm not doing anything drastic (a combination of lean protein, fruits, veggies, and the gym does wonders!) and I've lost five pounds so far. It's not easy, but I think that having a smile on my face has helped me. My head has gotten healthy; I want my body to match.

Oh, and yesterday I got great news from my accountant! Basically, I owe significantly less than I was expecting to (I knew I had overestimated, but I didn't know how high I was), and that money can go toward wedding planning and be a basic safety net. Do I think that having a good attitude magically lowered my taxes? No. That's math. But I do fully believe that I notice these great surprises when I'm happy and I don't let bad news send me into a tailspin.

None of this is an exact science and I still slip into bad moods here and there. I'm sure I'll use this blog as a venting place on occasion. In the meantime, I will stay in tune with the positive stuff and keep thinking of my something good.