Because I've Been Writing

That's the answer to the burning question, "Why haven't you been blogging?"  Ok, so the question probably wasn't burning all that much, but the answer stands.

I'm going to skip over most of the details (to protect the innocent), but I stumbled across something in late December/early January that made me wonder if I could successfully write a short (very short) story (scene, really) in response to a given prompt.  It had been over ten years since I had done any creative writing, other than babbling here, so it was a challenge to myself.  Somehow, the words poured from my fingertips onto the screen and I submitted my prompt fill, albeit anonymously.  Then I sat back to see what would happen.

The response was swift and entirely positive, which sort of took me by surprise.  I mean, here I was, on the internet, where people are famously cruel for no reason, right?  I had posted anonymously; nobody knew me or owed me a damn word in response.  Even if they liked what I had written, it would be easy to enjoy it and move on.  Instead, some people (not a ton, by any means) took the time to praise my writing, ask me if I had done anything else, and encouraged me to write more.  Wow.  I have no actual experience to back this up, but I think it was like taking my first hit off a crack pipe.  I was addicted.

So, of course, I wrote more fills to more prompts.  After my first two (if I remember correctly), I decided to go ahead and create a screen name and a journal on which I could keep all of my stuff.  And people continued to be nice to me.  My reaction to their kindness was foreign to me; I've simply never been the type of person who wanted/needed/strove for external recognition of anything.  I'm self-driven and haven't cared much about awards/accolades/public pats on the back.  There's nothing wrong with those things, but they've never been a factor in what I do or how I do it.  But with my writing, simple though it may be?  Suddenly what people think matters to me, and it's weird.

I've branched out since I started writing three months ago, posting more of my stuff on more than one website.  Overwhelmingly, the reviews have been positive and encouraging, though I've also experienced the occasional anonymous troll who seems to get pleasure from being unnecessarily mean.  The logical side of me (which, let's face it, has always controlled my life) has struggled to ignore the random cruelty, even in the face of such ongoing kindness from plenty of other strangers.  It's something I'm learning to handle, but it's hard.

Within the past several weeks, I've actually made one very solid acquaintance/friend through writing.  She lives in England and we email daily as we work through our individual stories, help each other past mental blocks, ask key questions that drive us forward, edit stories prior to unleashing them on the public, etc.  It's been really great to have that develop.  I've also joined something of a community of many other writers that I've admired on these websites, because I see them interact with each other, collaborate on stories, and cross-promote as additional work is posted...and I want to be part of that.  It's so difficult for me because it's the first time I've ever wanted to be a part of a group like this.  I was never part of some "in crowd" in school, nor did I ever really care to be.  But now, I'm on the outside looking in, and it's hard for me to navigate the emotions that come with wanting to join them.  Ultimately, I don't feel like I've earned the right to be part of the community, so I'm really censoring myself when it comes to starting up any conversations or whatnot.  I recognize that I'm being somewhat ridiculous about it (they're all just other humans trying to write good stories), but my insecurities are really all over the place right now.  I have made a concerted effort to reach out to a few people and I haven't been shunned or anything.  At this point, I'm just going to move slowly and build what relationships I can.

This sort of brings me to my last point, for now.  There is one particular writer on these sites who I have clearly placed on a pedestal above all others (right or wrong).  While there is a handful of people whom I've come to consider very talented, I am drawn to her more than the others and she makes me want to be a better writer.  She's managed to make me cry with scenes of fewer than 1000 words, which is insane given that I'm known for being dead inside.  I could go on and on about her, but she's just an amazing writer.  I had attempted to start a couple of online conversations with her, but she was a bit short in her responses (polite, but short) and there was never an indication that she wanted to keep talking, so I let it go.

Then, the other night, I said something to her and she actually asked a question back to me.  And when it came out that I was working on a longer (25,000+ word story) that involved stuff that is more personal to me, she offered to read it and give me feedback before I post it to the public.  That shocked the hell out of me because she does not seem like the type of person who is super outgoing and willing to help everyone and make offers like that without some honesty behind them.  I was terrified.  I mean, it's one thing for me to post a story and not know who has or has not read it...it's a big step to send it to her directly and let her pick it apart.  Ugh.  It took me two days (and I gave her two more outs that she didn't take), but I finally sent her the story yesterday.

As of last night, she had only read the first chapter, but sent me an email in response to that.  I wasn't surprised to find that there was a lot of criticism, with a hint of positive potential.  I also wasn't surprised that the criticism hurt, despite the fact that I don't disagree with all of it.  I know that I write with too much detail sometimes ("too clinical") and have a tough time bringing the necessary emotions to the surface.  Truthfully, it's who I am as a person...obsessively logical and detail-oriented, rarely sensitive or emotional...so it's obviously a struggle of mine when I write.  And she is amazing at conveying emotion, so I know she can give me guidance on that.  It still sucks to hear it.

She also disagrees with a very basic premise of my story, which will be an entirely different issue.  I can't see myself changing my mind, so we may have to agree to disagree on it.  And honestly, if she's already got a problem with the one premise, I can predict that she will have a fundamental problem with some of the other things I've included, so I'm bracing myself for those remarks.  But I think I have to find a middle ground here, where I recognize the value she can provide in my writing style and growth, while standing firm on the specifics that are important to me.  Because while I think she's fantastically talented, she's still just one person and I can't disregard my own opinions in the face of hers.

So, there you have it.  I've found this crazy passion for writing and have been utterly unable to stop the words from coming, but now I'm making a real effort to improve and I'm scared shitless.  I'm also forming relationships, never a strength of mine, which adds to the ongoing fear.  I'm thrilled to be writing and terrified of what happens next.  I'm a mess, but I kind of like it.