What to Wear?

Next April, Jersey and I are having a large wedding/reception in Las Vegas in which we will declare our commitment while surrounded by family and friends. Many (many) people have asked which one of us will wear a dress and which will wear pants, as though there is a one-person limit on that sort of thing. The answer is that, in April, both of us will wear beautiful white wedding gowns. While both of us have a distinct tomboy side, we look forward to being princesses on that day.

Then, we started planning the details of our legal ceremony, to be held in MA in September. Since it's going to be such a small (albeit important) ceremony, we figured we'd go get a couple of white sundresses and some sandals; outfits that would be simple, yet cute. So, last weekend we went shopping...

Side note: The stores at the mall, plus the other random chain stores we hit, were insanely crowded! Even more so than during the holiday season. I get that it was back-to-school shopping, but WOW! It seems like the number of people who celebrate holidays is larger than the number of people going back to school, plus the economy is supposed to suck right now, so I did not expect those crowds.

Jersey and I battled the crowds and searched everywhere for great dresses. There were a few that we sort of liked, but we didn't really want to get married in anything that we sort of liked. I was getting frustrated and said, jokingly, that I wished we could just get some comfy matching white sweats and be done. Then I thought. And thought some more. Finally, I said, "I'm not kidding. We should just get something cute and comfy and screw the whole dress thing."

The result:
I can not put into words how completely excited Jersey and I are about finding these outfits. It may seem silly to other people, but they are so perfectly "us" and we're already doing the fancy thing in April, so we don't feel like we're totally disregarding formality. I'm giggling even as I write this post! Ahhh, we are so happy to be getting married and this is like the goofy icing on the cake! Yay!

Life

I've been gone from here for a very long time. I'd apologize, but I'm not entirely sure I'm really sorry about it. I mean, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to connect with the few of you who read me, but I'm not sorry that I've been really busy with life. Let's see if I can catch you up on the highlights...

Work - So, there I was, struggling to keep my job. A job a really don't even like that much. I was thinking about starting a Masters program at night and looking for other employment. Then, the owner of the company for which I work decided to let go of her executive assistant, and she needed someone she trusted to jump in and help while she interviewed for a new EA. I offered, she accepted, and I found myself with a "part-time" and "temporary" second job. What I thought would be a chance to just make a few extra dollars turned into about 35 hours a week for over two months. You see, the owner goes through a very slooooow interview process, so it took her quite a while to find someone.

Once the new EA had arrived, I was busy training her and working on a couple of projects that were already in progress. I figured I'd be around another week or two to wrap things up, but nope. Out of nowhere, the owner's administrative manager/coordinator decided to just bail on the job. Suddenly, the owner desperately needed help filling that position, so I moved over to that desk. It's now been about three weeks and she is really no closer to hiring a new employee. As for me, I'm up to almost 40 hours a week, plus a pay raise when I moved into the second position. So, what's the craziest part about all of this? I'm still doing my regular job...though I now do it in the morning, at lunch, at night, and on weekends. I'm pretty exhausted and a little stressed, but all my extra effort may pay for the wedding. To pay the wedding off without dipping into my normal income would be incredible! Speaking of which...

The Wedding - Jersey and I spent a long weekend in June in New Jersey (with a quick trip to NYC for dinner & drinks) to celebrate our East Coast engagement party/bridal shower. It was a ton of fun to meet even more of her family and friends, plus the extra time I spent with those closest to her. I love that everyone has welcomed me with open arms and I'm glad to be a part of their lives, even in small ways.

We came back to Vegas in time for my sister and T. (my mom's significant other) to arrive in town; my sister stayed for almost three weeks, T. moved here. We all had a great time and spent one night on the West Coast engagement party, which was mostly my co-workers and a handful of friends. Oh, and my sister and I went to try on pretty bridesmaid dresses for her!

Jersey and I really need to finalize our official wedding guest list and send out Save the Date magnets...

The big hoopla wedding/reception for all the family and friends is taking place on April 24, 2010, so we have a bit of time to get our shit together for that, but time flies. Really, I have no idea where the year has gone. And while we may have time for the big hoopla planning, we are getting married in Massachusetts in four weeks.

Repeat.

We are getting married in Massachusetts in FOUR WEEKS! Ahhhh! Ok, I'm really thrilled, but WOW, that's right around the corner. We have a Justice of the Peace and will be getting married in her gazebo, which will be perfect. Plus, given the waiting period and the holiday weekend, we will have some time to relax in New England. I'm very much looking forward to that and have already warned my "part-time" "temporary" boss that I will not reschedule my wedding for her.

TLC - With everything going on right now, I have made a very conscious effort to do nice things for myself (and Jersey) on occasion. In the past several weeks, we've made a trip to a nearby winery, strolled through our favorite outdoor shopping center, treated ourselves to massages, and jumped in the car for a very random trip to San Diego. It's been amazing to reconnect with special moments in the midst of such a crazy time.

Ok, I'm yawning a LOT right now, so I'm gonna stop here...but I'm sure I'll be going into more details about all of this stuff at various times. Thanks to those of you who came back to read after all this time and I really have been reading you, too, even when I haven't had the chance to comment. I'll be back!

So Many Plans

I feel like I should be walking around with a calendar because time is flying and I have a lot of big things planned in the next several months. I hope I don't forget to show up somewhere. Just so that all of you can feel part of my schedule, here's a look at what's coming:

* June 24-28 - Jersey and I are flying to NJ for our "Engagement Party - East," where we will get to catch up with lots of family and friends. I think we're saving some money on this trip by staying with her mom instead of getting a hotel room. By the way, if any of you will be near NJ (specifically Rockaway Township) and would like to come to our crazy party, let me know!

* July 1-20 - My sister is coming to visit! She's a teacher and will be on her summer vacation; I'm very glad that she will be spending so much time with us during her break. We are incredibly goofy when we are together, plus she and Jersey get along very well. It will be so much fun and I can't wait to see her.

* Early July - My mom's significant other, T., will be moving back to Vegas. He's been in Texas for a while (two or three years maybe...I've lost track) and I don't like that I've only been able to see him on brief visits. He's so much fun and life is better with him around. We plan to celebrate his return by grilling burgers and drinking rum.

* July 18 - "Engagement Party - West" will be held at my mom's home. How great is it that my sister and T. will be here for the fun?!? As with our other party, let me know if any of you will be around for the Vegas bash.

* September 3-8 - Crazy East Coast wedding weekend with lots of driving. This isn't 100% set yet, but it's looking pretty solid. Jersey and I will be flying to Boston, applying for a marriage license, hanging out somewhere in the general area for a couple of days (and seeing a blog friend or two?), driving down to NJ for a family wedding, coming back to MA with a probable visit to P-town, picking up the marriage license, and getting married in a tiny (legal!) ceremony. Mrs. Chili and Auntie, we'd love to meet up with you guys together/separately/however/wherever/whenever. Jersey and I don't mind driving all over the place, so don't worry about that. Auntie, if you're interested, shoot me an email (morgangirl11 at gmail dot com) and we can chat about it. Mrs. Chili, I know things are hectic in your life right now, so we can figure it all out as it gets closer. I can't believe I'm going to get married in a few months!

* April 24-May 1 - Big wedding and honeymoon time. While we are getting legally married in MA in September, the big wedding/reception in front of friends and family will be in Vegas on April 24, 2010. The honeymoon location has not been determined, but we have some ideas. I definitely understand why some people think that spending money/time/energy on a huge celebration is silly, but it's something that Jersey and I look forward to sharing with people. This will be a once in a lifetime party for us, so we're going to make it as special as possible.

So, did I miss anything?!?

Monday Meme

Here is a meme that I stole from my sister...

The Rules:

- Answer the questions below.
- Type your answers into Photobucket.
- Pick a picture from the results and post it as the answer.


1. What is your name?
Ok, so Morgan isn't my real name, but this picture was the inspiration for the alias.

2. How old will you be on your next birthday?


3. What is your occupation?

I know "Real Estate" is more of a field than an occupation, but you get the point.

4. What is your relationship status?


5. What do you want to be when you grow up?


6. What do you love most in life?

7. What do you like to do in your spare time?


8. Who is your celebrity crush?

Sorry, but I couldn't decide between serious Michael Vartan or smiling Michael Vartan, so I used both. Mmmmmm...

9. What is your favorite animal?
Giraffes are just funny. Really.

10. What is your favorite color?


11. What is your favorite book?


I really don't have a favorite book. I don't re-read books (I think I'm in the minority on that), and nothing is ranked significantly higher than everything else in my memory. I do, however, love Jonathan Kellerman's work. One of his non-fiction books is very similar to the senior honors thesis that I wrote in college and I'd love to audit a (few) graduate course(s) of his. A real life psychology career combined with writing murder mysteries...it's like my dream come true!

12. What is your favorite type of shoe?


I think it has to do with the vacation connotation.

13. What is your favorite Disney character?
14. Where is your favorite place to be?


15. What is your biggest annoyance?

16. What is your biggest fear?


17. What is your bad habit?


I could eat ice cream every day and it's something about which I've had to be very conscious during my attempt to be healthier. I don't even have a favorite flavor, though I have regular choices at most ice cream places. I. Love. Ice. Cream.

18. What is your mood right now?

Time to Change

***Note: For some reason the font style/size keeps changing after I hit "publish" and I can't figure out why. Sorry! I hope it's not terribly difficult to read.***

About a week ago, my mom received the following letter from a coworker of ours:

A Memorial: James J. Pechacek 1954-2009

My husband passed away on Tuesday. Actually, he was my Fiance. We'd been engage for 33 years. He tried to hang on long enough for us to get married. That goal helped keep him alive for the last several years. He'd have been perfectly content with "domestic partnership".

JJ was a very private person. Few of you ever met him, nor even knew of his existence. Those who did were indeed, very privileged.

JJ was the counter balance force in my life. We were polar opposites in so many ways. He was a meticulous stickler for details, a deep thinker, a slow responder. He prided himself on his rationality, and his memory. JJ was the best "phone a friend" walking encyclopedia that anyone could have ever hoped to have known. And though he didn't think so, he was the cutest little puppy in the world.

JJ was the first fan of Vintage Vegas. He's the one who made me believe 20 years ago that we could create a vibrant, energetic, fun urban core. When we first moved to Las Vegas 1985, he's the one who only wanted to live downtown. He's the one who pointed out the first "mid mod" homes that I soon fell in love with. We didn't know the words for mid mod, but JJ's the one who showed me why they were important. JJ was my biggest supporter, my most ardent fan. And he was my most vocal critic. I'm so going to miss him.

JJ liked his privacy and his anonymity. I was most shocked on Sunday when he told me that I could tell some of our story in public...as long as it was to make a point.

We met in 1975. We were both 21 year olds. He was hitchhiking to Florida. I was driving the semi-truck. I stopped to pick him up in Louisville, and was in love before we got to Nashville. He wanted to be a Gypsy. I wanted to be rich. He wanted to see the great cities and buildings and mountains and rivers and I wanted to meet a couple of million interesting people. We both got what we wanted.

It's been a long, exciting, and fun journey since then. We've been rich and poor and rich and poor again. We've been healthy and sick. We've been fun loving and furious. We were a couple thru lots of thick and thin. We were PARTNERS. That's the word we used to describe ourselves. And in our minds and in the reality of space and time we were married. We were married because we said we were. We could have cared less what any church might have thought. That our government considered us second class citizens...mattered a lot.

It was crushing to me yesterday when the coroner's office didn't have a category that described us for the death certificate. They wrote that he was SINGLE. They said I WASN'T THE NEXT OF KIN!

Back in January, the hospital recognized the legal power of attorney and other forms that had cost us thousands of dollars in legal fees. Most "not married" couples don't have those papers ready when they need them. Many couldn't afford them in the first place. We were fortunate in that regard. Without them, they wouldn't have even had to let me into the room.

There's a thousand things, both big and small that require "the stamp of recognition" from out various governments. Social Security Survivor benefits, taxes, inheritance rules, property rights, parental rights, and on and on and on. This is no small matter to the lives of many millions of Americans.

And that brings us to the irony of the timing of JJ's passing. Within a few minutes one way or the other of JJ's death...The Nevada Senate passed "Domestic Partnership" legislation. JJ would be very proud of them. Many of our best friends are in Carson City this week to tell our stories, and to lobby for passage of the bill. JJ wanted me to go, but I couldn't leave him alone for 3 days. I've asked them to deliver a copy of this obituary for me.

Our governor has said that he'll veto it if it passes. Why? Because "he doesn't believe in it" is the only answer he has. JJ believed in it and so do I. I hope you do, as well.

One of JJ's final requests was that I tell you our story and that I ask all of you, in his memory, to PLEASE call or write the Nevada Legislature, AND THE GOVERNOR and tell them that you support domestic partnership legislation. For that matter, tell the Congress and the President as well.

All JJ wanted was that I be recognized, at the barest of minimums, as his LEGAL "next of kin".

He asked my mom to pass it along to the rest of our office, which she did immediately. It also for passed along to individuals within the Nevada Legislature and we've already received some good news. Apparently, there were three people on the fence about this vote; one decided to vote in favor of domestic partnerships after reading this letter. Also, the latest news is that the Governor may sit back and let it pass. He says he won't support it, but won't veto it either.

I honestly have no idea if this specific letter actually changed minds...or opened any. Maybe it was that all-important straw on the camel's back, or maybe it got ignored. All I know is that these stories are about something so incredibly simple. It's just love.

A Decade

As my sister so simply put it today, "ten years is a long time." On April 27, 1999, our dad died after a relatively brief battle with cancer, which makes today the 10th anniversary. It's hard to perfectly describe how I am doing today, but it's the same as every year on this date; it's as though I am just a step behind all day, or underwater with my senses slightly dulled. I really wanted to blog today, though, so I am going to give you a random assortment of thoughts...

* My mom, Jersey, and I went to Dairy Queen for lunch so that I could have my dad's favorite kind of Blizzard in his honor. To answer the obvious question, it's chocolate chip cookie dough with extra fudge and a banana in it. Celebrating such an important day with dessert is something my dad would do.

* This evening, Jersey and I will watch some home videos (circa 1981-1983). My favorite is probably the one in which my dad and I are making chocolate cream pies for a holiday dinner, a couple of months before my third birthday. It's important to note that you can NOT give a chocolate-covered spatula to a toddler and tell her not to lick it. She will lick it with gusto and then proudly announce that she is doing so. Oh, and her mother will encourage it from behind the camera.

* When it comes to my personality, I got most of it from my dad. I am obsessive-compulsive, stubborn, and I have zero patience for stupid things. I think he was a little more of an asshole (and I say that in the nicest possible way), but I definitely got some of my attitude from him. I also love sports, swear like a sailor, do crosswords, and memorize numbers, all of which I will credit to him.

* Speaking of sports, my dad and I took a dream vacation when I was twelve and I'm so glad I had that experience with him. He and I drove around the country together and saw 21 Major League Baseball games in 18 different stadiums in 28 days, plus the MLB, NFL, NHL, and NBA Halls of Fame. Ok, it's totally a tomboy vacation, but I really loved it and still remember it well. Plus, I have lots of cool stories from that month.

* Overall, I think I've adjusted very well to not having my dad in my life (well, my physical life, but that opens up a really deep conversation). I obviously miss him, but I'm doing well. The hardest part for me right now is the wedding planning, specifically the whole walking down the aisle thingy. Most people have told me to just have my mom walk me down the aisle, but it's not that simple for me. If I had always planned to have both parents walk me down the aisle, then it would be fine to still have my mom do it; because I had only ever planned to have my dad do it, I don't like the idea of "replacing" him. I get that my dad wouldn't mind and blah blah blah, but it honestly bothers me. Apparently the idea of me walking alone bothers everyone else. For now, no decision has been made.

* Whenever I go to visit my dad at the cemetery, I try to bring him gifts. Well, they're not really gifts. More like food. A small bite. The last two were a chocolate chip cookie and a fried clam. It's like bringing a virgin to a volcano. I like to keep everything peaceful and calm. I also clean up his stone and say hi to Poles, his "next-door neighbor."
* Today, my Facebook status reflects the significance of the date and it brought comments from people I hadn't even heard from since accepting them as my friend on the site. It's nice to know that other people miss him, too. Someone on my sister's Facebook called him "badass" and I think that's great.

* I can't wait til the next time I am in California at a time when I can go watch a basketball game in the high school gymnasium that was named after him. Long story short, our high school (the one from which my sister and I graduated is the same at which my dad was a teacher, coach, and athletic director) renovated the gym last year and renamed it for my dad. There's a plaque with his name and picture above the entrance, a painted basketball jersey and new scoreboard with his name on both, plus the existing memorial basketball tournament (and possibly a memorial football game and soccer tournament) and the school's athletic hall of fame, which was named for him about a week before his death. All of that rocks.


* I gave the eulogy at my dad's funeral mass and I am still very proud of the fact that I made the 1000+ attendees laugh out loud throughout it. My dad joked around til the very end, so there was no way I could honor him by being serious and tearful. I made it as funny as I could, though I'll admit the "I'll miss you, Daddy" at the end was a bit rough. I swear, the rest of it was funny shit.

* When my dad was in the hospital the week before he died, I couldn't handle being alone with him. My mom and sister had no problem with it, but I needed someone with me. I don't know why I was so terrified, but it freaked me out. The only time I was alone with him at all was the night before he died. I took about a minute to tell him that I loved him and that we were all sad, but we'd be okay. He needed to stop fighting and I told him to let go. I also told him that I made a cassette tape of one of our favorite songs and that I would make sure it got put in his coffin, but that I wasn't about to include an entire stereo system, so he'd have to bum one off someone else on the flip side.

Thanks for listening. And I do miss you, Daddy.

Monday Meme

I've stolen this meme, with very little delay, from Mrs. Chili. Enjoy!

1. How did you come up with your blog title OR what does it mean?

I have "stumble survive smile" tattooed on my lower back; I consider it a nicer way to say "shit happens, get over it." I never thought I would get a tattoo, but triumph at the end of an emotional journey convinced me otherwise. The tattoo is a permanent reminder of my strength and my personal motto.

2. What are your general goals for blogging?

I had planned to wait and blog when I could chronicle something really big...perhaps a pregnancy. Then I realized I have a lot of junk (good, bad, and ugly) bouncing around in my head and it wouldn't hurt to have a place to dump it. A blog could be a healthy outlet for me. I had begun to comment on a couple of blogs, plus I have been a member of message board for a few years, so I wasn't a stranger to internet interaction. I suppose this blog was just a tiny bit more selfish.

3. Do people "in your real life" know that you blog and do they comment on your blog OR is it largely anonymous?

My mom, my sister, and Jersey know that I blog. Jersey's mom and sister know that I blog. An ex-boyfriend knows that I blog. I really have no intention of letting friends or coworkers know, largely because I want to be able to vent when necessary and I don't want to get myself into trouble. Of those that read, my sister and Jersey are really the only two who bother to comment.

4. How often do you post (x per week)?

I only post once or twice a week. Honestly, my biggest hesitation in starting this blog was the pressure to post all the time, but I've managed to avoid any guilt about that. I would like to regularly post two or three times a week, but I won't freak if I come up short.

5. How often do you read other blogs (x per week)?

I only read a few blogs, so I have no problem reading them daily. I also check in with the message board on which I am a member. I'd say that the community feeling on the message board is like a mini-blogosphere; I've even met a couple of them in "real life" and I keep up with the things going on in the lives of the people on the boards as much as I keep up with other bloggers.

6. How do you select blogs to read (do you prefer blogs that focus on certain topics or do you choose by tone or...)?

I don't read many, so this is simple. I started with my sister's blog and then moved to the blogs of a couple of her readers. I remember that I originally contacted Mrs. Chili with a yoga question. Admittedly, I get nervous about commenting elsewhere, simply because I feel like I'm still a blog newbie and don't want to start showing up where I'm not wanted. It's probably not a logical concern, but it's a concern.

7. Do you have any plans to copy your blog entries in any other format, or do you think that one day, you'll just delete it all?

Um, neither. I'll keep writing here until I have nothing to say, then it can just float in cyberspace for all of eternity or die in the great internet explosion of 2023.

8. What are the things you like best about blogging?

I've never been the journal type, but I love being able to get my thoughts out of my head. I'm not sure it's slowed down any of the verbal ranting and raving that I do on a daily basis, but it does help me focus my point(s).

9. What are the things you don't like about blogging?

Trying to capture a lot of my (very passionate) thoughts and opinions in a relatively brief blog post is difficult. I always have a lot to say about the things that get me riled up! Also, I think it's difficult to make my tone and/or intent clear sometimes. Sarcasm and humor don't always translate well; this goes for comments on other blogs, too. It's just hard to act the way I would act in person, because I know that the written word can be deceiving.

10. How do you handle comments?

I definitely read them all and appreciate the time people take to write them. It's awesome to know that I have an audience, even if it's a small one. When I feel the need to write a response to a comment, I do. I have a response in my head for almost everything that people say on my blog, so maybe I'll try to add more comments about comments. Look out, Mrs. Chili, here comes a dialogue!

11. Do you have any burning thoughts to share on blog etiquette?

Be respectful. I've never cared if people agree with me, but I can't stand people who don't respectfully disagree. It's just not cool.

12. Any desired blog features?

I really don't know how to do anything on this blog, so most features would be lost on me at this point. I really should learn more about videos and such. I'm not technologically inept, just lazy.

13. Have you suffered blog addiction?

Yes and no. I'd say that it's become a part of my life, but it's not something for which I would apologize. I believe I will continue to grow as I write and I hope to form long-lasting friendships, as well.

Thought for Thursday

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I'm working hard to keep my light strong.

No More Bad Dreams

I've been annoyed/worried/frustrated by my job for a while now and it led to a breakdown last Friday. I've tried really hard to put the negativity away and take control of my own feelings, but I still feel the anger creep up now and then. On top of that, I've been having very predictable bad dreams (feeling lost, out of control, etc.). So, I decided to come here and vent about what's going on. Maybe this act of getting the icky stuff out of my system will let me sleep soundly.

I'm not sure how much I've said about my job (nor do I feel like looking at past posts to find out), so I'll summarize a bit. I'm an independent contractor who offers administrative services within a specific company for a fee and the only money I make is from that fee. I'm not salaried, but I am considered the "preferred vendor" for this company. I attend weekly staff meetings, teach classes for the company, write newsletter articles, and pay the company 20% of what I charge my clients. In exchange for that, I don't have to pay the office desk rental fee ($75 a month) and I am (supposedly) endorsed by the company.

Several months ago, there was an individual ("S.") who was released as the personal assistant of someone in the company. S. decided that she wanted to offer the same services I do and began to recruit my clients away from me. Because I am the "preferred vendor," she was told that she was not allowed to actively seek my current clients, but it still happened to some extent. I explained my concerns to the powers that be (well, it's really just one manager-type of person who likes to call herself the CEO), but was met with a bunch of "if you do your job well enough, you won't have to worry about it" and "maybe you need to be on point with your own business" and "just educate people about why she's not being a nice person and they'll come back to you." Basically, a lot of bullshit. Fortunately, S. left the company for a new position and the big threat was gone.

The same "CEO" kept on my case about why my business wasn't booming anymore, and our company accountant and I pointed out that many of my former clients had become so successful that they needed personal assistants. It wasn't anything that could be helped on my part...it was just that they grew beyond what I could do for them. I was picking up new clients, but that doesn't equal immediate results. We printed out company reports to show her that I had reached all the clients that I could. I gave her specific examples of things I was doing to increase my success, but she hinted at the idea of bringing in competition because it didn't seem like I was working hard enough. For a long time now, I've felt like she just wants me gone. I know I'm not the only one that she treats like shit (hell, she does it to my mother and my mom is part of management), but it's hard to defend myself against someone who won't look at the facts.

Over this time (before, during, and after the threats to my business), I worked with various people within the company to get an idea of how I could improve my services. I took lots of suggestions, incorporated them, and wrote emails and articles about the improvements. I added in an entirely new "express" service, for those who didn't need everything I was offering. I started sending weekly email tips to the entire company, as a way to get my name out there even more. Additionally, I met with the company liaison who is supposed to promote my interests to the company and the company's interests to me. As one of my clients, he was able to give me insight into what was expected of me and I agreed to (and followed through on) EVERY SINGLE IDEA that he and the other clients had.

Within the past two weeks, one group of four clients left the company. No more business from them. Another one of my clients joined up with a very successful couple with their own personal assistant. No more business there. While disappointed, I had also picked up three new clients, so I was okay. Then, I overheard someone in the office trying to talk to a client of mine into using the services of her former assistant ("E.") who was now going to be doing the same work I do. I thought this problem had already been handled, because everyone (meaning management/accounting/staff) had been told that we were not going to to have round two of this threat to my job if I was going to be the "preferred vendor." I was pissed at overhearing the recruiting, so I went to the accountant and she went straight to E. to tell her that it would not be allowed by the company. Her response was that she had no interest in doing my job and that she respected me immensely and wouldn't do that to me...

An hour and a half later, E. took one of my top clients. Which client? The supposed company liaison. Before I go any further, I will say that I know my services are optional and that any client can come and go; that's the nature of my business. What I have a MAJOR problem with is the underhanded, sneaky, cowardly, bullshit way this all went down. I have spent months working with this liaison to improve my services for my clients and he didn't have the decency to tell me that he was unhappy with what I was doing for him?!? E. specifically said that she respected me too much to take my business, and then did it anyway?!? I've been working my ass off for months, just to get stabbed in the back by people who know they are in the wrong...they've gone to so much trouble to hide what's happening (new email accounts, shared log-in codes for our company system, payment under the table, etc.), apparently forgetting that my mom and the accountant were watching closely for this specific thing.

I have no reason to believe she'll stop with this client; I suspect that she's working with at least one other already. I know that I will not be backed up by the CEO, so I really have no recourse at this point. The logic of knowing that I do a great job doesn't pay the bills. She can charge less than I do, since she doesn't have to give the company 20%, and I can't blame people in this economy for wanting the cheapest option possible. I am desperately trying to hold on to a job that is being pulled out from under me, and it's an awful feeling. I yelled and cried a LOT in my mom's office on Friday, frustrated at being stuck and mad at myself for not having a career that I love.

At this point, I've requested material from some online universities and plan to seek an MBA in Human Resource Management. Once Jersey is working full time, I will feel comfortable accepting a job that pays less, just so I can gain the experience I need to build a strong career. Having a plan has calmed me to some extent and I will work hard to reach my goals. In the meantime, I will try to let karma deal with the rest.

Sigh.

Monday Meme

I got this one from my sister...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

1. You are biased in the opposite way of what most people would guess.
2. What held you back?
3. I'm human.
4. Please look in the mirror when you say the things you direct at everyone else.
5. Happiness snowballs as much as unhappiness does.
6. I wish you were here to walk me down the aisle.
7. A lot of what happened was my own fault.
8. I regret being mad at you when you died.
9. Why are you afraid to be happy?
10. I am the least of your problems.

Nine things about myself:

1. I cried when I got my first "B" on a report card.
2. I cried when I got an "A" on report card, because I didn't deserve it.
3. If I could live anywhere, it would be in Newport Beach or Corona Del Mar, CA.
4. My dream is to be an author of psychological thrillers, but I admit that I am not putting any effort into that dream at this time.
5. I started wearing glasses when I was 18 months old, wore an eye patch when I was a toddler, and had two eye operations before I was ten; I currently wear no glasses or contacts, but that will probably change within the next few years.
6. My favorite sport is hockey, but that's followed very closely by football and baseball.
7. I kissed a girl when I was 16, but I dated only men until my current relationship began in February of 2008.
8. I've been to 43 of the 50 states (still missing Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Maine).
9. I like Easter candy better than Halloween candy, but I hate Peeps with a passion.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Appreciate sarcasm.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Respect my religious and political views, even if you disagree with them.
4. Allow me to have bad moods every now and then.
5. Don't make a big deal out of it when I cry.
6. Love my family.
7. Love your family.
8. Want to have children.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. My future
2. My past
3. Work
4. Educational opportunities
5. Wedding plans
6. Food
7. My family and friends

Six things I do before I fall asleep:

1. Take off my clothes
2. Brush my teeth
3. Turn on the TV
4. Read or do a crossword
5. Kiss Jersey
6. Curl into the fetal position

Five people who mean a lot to me:

1. Mom
2. My little sister
3. Jersey
4. My high school best friend (and bridesmaid)
5. Jersey's sister (because she's the most important person in Jersey's life)

Four things you're wearing right now:

1. A sundress
2. A white lace thong
3. Strappy sandals
4. My engagement ring

Three songs you listen to often:

1. Baba O'Riley - The Who
2. So What - Pink
3. Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi w/ Jennifer Nettles

Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Be a mother
2. Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary.

One confession:

I regret derailing my life when I became an anorexic cutter in college.

Vocabulary - Part 2

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my post yesterday. I want to take some time now to jump around to a few different points in relation to what I said. As I said yesterday, it's very hard to articulate my thoughts on all of this; the jump from brain to blog is tricky.

* To clarify my personal feeling about insults that are directed my way, well, I can say that I actually feel insulted about .001% of the time. Anyone who would hurl an insult at me, with anything but love (and teasing by friends and family counts as love in my book), is not someone who even matters to me. I'm not just saying that to act tough here; even as a small child who was taunted for being "little miss perfect" or "four-eyes" all the time, I was able to brush it off because those kids had no bearing on my self worth. When I said that I find "gay agenda" as insulting as "faggot" or "dyke," I was honest. I'm not personally insulted by any of it, but I think they are often said with the same ill-will.

* I understand the point that Anonymous made about us standing up for those with intellectual disabilities, since many of them are not able to verbalize their hurt. However, I think it's dangerous to compare slurs on the basis of whether the victim is able to fight back. If I'm hurt by someone who calls me a "dyke" and an autistic person is hurt because someone called them a "retard," then both of those are wrong and arguing which is more wrong is missing the point. We don't get to call certain people names just because they can take it.

* I also agree with Auntie and Mrs. Chili about words having the power that you give them. We make choices all the time, and if we choose to let words affect us, they will. That said, I am careful about what comes out of my mouth on a regular basis, because I feel like a constant stream of negativity does start wearing down good energy. It's not that I don't vent in anger, or make self-depracating jokes. I just try not to do those things too often because I think they gain power with repetition.

* The thread on my message board about homophobia and the gay agenda currently has 149 posts in it. From the discussion about the gay agenda came another debate about gay marriage, which wasn't a huge surprise. JW made a comment (and I know he's just one of many to do so) about being okay with homosexual unions with benefits and state approval, as long as homosexuals don't call themselves "married." To him, civil unions and the like are fine; marriage is not. I've written about this before and I still don't understand what the difference is. Let me put it this way:

I believe that murder is wrong. We could change the word "murder" to "apple-picking" and I would believe that apple-picking is wrong. We could use fifteen other words for it, and I would still believe that it is wrong. No vocabulary change is going to change a core belief of mine. So, why are so many people okay with civil unions and not marriage? Now, I have heard that the problem is that there is a religious connotation to "marriage" and homosexuals are sinners, blah, blah, blah. But why aren't there laws being passed that marriage must be between one man and one woman who believe in God? Atheists get married with little problem. I want the same right.

Ok, that's all I've got for now. My head is so jumbled with my thoughts on this, but I think I've made some of my main points. Go ahead, throw some jumbled crap back at me!

Vocabulary - Part 1

First, a bit of background information:

For the past 4 1/2 years, I have been a semi-active participant on a message board; the site is mainly for discussion about a baseball game, but there is an entire off-topic section in which people discuss movies, music, politics, religion, what they had for lunch, births of children, etc. There is a separate debate forum where things can get pretty heated when people disagree (which is often, of course). I check the boards a few times a day and comment when I feel like I have something to say. I've also met two of the other posters in person.

So, earlier this week, I was reading through some of the recent threads and opened one about the letter that John C. McGinley wrote about the use of the words "retard" or "retarded." Basically, he compared the use of "retard" to "nigger, or kike, or faggot, or jap, or kraut, or mick, or wop" and said that words hurt, so we need to remove such words from our vocabulary. This particular thread was started by someone I'll call JW; he is a conservative Christian with an autistic son and a history of arguing with the more liberal members of the message board. He and I have always gotten along, though we certainly agree to disagree on a lot of issues (like the fact that I am damned to hell for loving a woman).

In response to the topic at hand, I posted the following:

"...my point of view is definitely in the middle somewhere.

Any words can become derogatory, depending on the context and intent. I certainly don't think that the use of any particular word automatically makes someone a bigot. Getting too focused on banning the words themselves is like a dog chasing its tail; we'll be wasting a lot of energy and not getting very far.

That said, I also agree that the casual use of these words can desensitize people and if this brings about education and intelligent discussion, then I'm all for it. Overall, I'd rather see change in people's actions than their vocabulary, and if any discourse leads to that..."

With that done, I opened another new thread. This one started by linking an article about a homophobic incident. Honestly, I didn't even read the article; it didn't end up being my focus in the thread. What caught my eye was JW's response to the incident. He mentioned that people were "pushing the gay agenda" and that was enough to piss me off. So, I wrote:

"FWIW, I absolutely hate the phrase "gay agenda" and find it as insulting as faggot, dyke, or anything similar. It's as though homosexuals are distributing obscene brochures or holding recruiting meetings at which they force people to sign up for a pyramid scheme of satanic proportions. I guess I just see people who are trying to have a consensual relationship (possibly even recognized by the state?!?) with an adult that they love very much."

After another second, I realized I should follow it up with this:

"...just so I stay consistent with what I posted in the thread about using the word "retard"...

I don't think the phrase "gay agenda" should be banned and I don't think that the use of it necessarily means that someone is a bigot. I do hope that there is continued discussion about the issues behind the usage of the phrase and that people's actions can change as a result."

My thoughts are obviously more complex than I can properly explain on a message board, or this blog, but I do wonder what causes someone to worry about the use of one word (retard) and use others (gay agenda) so casually. Is it as simple as differentiating between what hits close to home and what doesn't? Am I wrong to think that actions speak louder than words? If we eliminate the use of some slurs, won't there be others to replace them? Shouldn't an off color joke be an opportunity to educate, rather than a need to silence?

I have more to say on the importance of words, but I will wait until tomorrow.

Tell Me Something Good

The company at which I work held its annual convention in Orlando about a month ago; I did not attend, but my mom did. When my mom and the other office attendees came back, they were very excited to share a new habit that they had learned from a guest speaker. This speaker said that he no longer asks someone how they are doing, upon saying hello. Instead, he opens with "tell me something good." His point was that people will often focus on the negative when given a wide opening; by narrowing it down to the positive, people stop to think about it. Since that lesson, many coworkers have changed their ringtones to the catchy 70s song (which I get stuck in my head a lot) and my mom and I greet each other each morning with "tell me something good."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a super bubbly, always positive, cheerleading type of person. I'm not incredibly social and I am not a big hugger. That being said, I've worked very hard at being happy (and I don't think that happiness requires any of the above) and I love that I start each day with a good attitude. I make a conscious decision to have that attitude and I think it spills over into all aspects of my life. It's great to see the good things that happen when you open yourself up to those possibilities.

For the past 2 1/2 weeks, I have been focused on eating right and exercising because I am trying to get in shape. I'm not doing anything drastic (a combination of lean protein, fruits, veggies, and the gym does wonders!) and I've lost five pounds so far. It's not easy, but I think that having a smile on my face has helped me. My head has gotten healthy; I want my body to match.

Oh, and yesterday I got great news from my accountant! Basically, I owe significantly less than I was expecting to (I knew I had overestimated, but I didn't know how high I was), and that money can go toward wedding planning and be a basic safety net. Do I think that having a good attitude magically lowered my taxes? No. That's math. But I do fully believe that I notice these great surprises when I'm happy and I don't let bad news send me into a tailspin.

None of this is an exact science and I still slip into bad moods here and there. I'm sure I'll use this blog as a venting place on occasion. In the meantime, I will stay in tune with the positive stuff and keep thinking of my something good.

Monday Meme

I'm about to go make dinner, so I am giving you a quickie meme for now. I have a handful of memes I'd like to do, though, so hopefully I can start remembering to post them on Mondays. Enjoy!

One Word

Where is your cell phone?
Desk

Your hair
Ponytail

Your father
Birds (my first thought was "underground", so I tried to be nicer and less funny)

Your favorite thing
Food

Your dream last night
Forgotten

Your favorite drink
Captain

The room you are in
Office

Your dream/goal
Kellerman

Your fear
Regret

Where do you want to be in 6 years
Seattle (currently leading the "where to move" contest)

Muffins
Mimi's

Where you grew up
California

The last thing you did
Work

What are you wearing
Pink

Your TV
On

Your pet(s)
Maniacal

Your computer
Vista

Your life
Wonderful

Missing someone
Dumpy

Your car
Paid

Favorite store
Target

Your summer
Fucking HOT (sorry, had to break the one word rule to make it clear how much I hate the summers here)

Your favorite color
Blue

When is the last time you laughed
Earlier

Last time you cried
Forgotten

Favorite food
Cheese

Place I would rather be right now
Hotel

Scattered

I have been feeling very scattered lately, so maybe a post about my randomness will help me focus (or at least do some prioritizing). Here goes nothing...

* Regarding Mrs. Chili's comment about whether I need fertility treatments to get pregnant (and no, I didn't consider the comment crude at all)...I don't necessarily need them and Jersey and I are still discussing that topic. We've talked about possibly having a cousin of hers donate to me and a cousin of mine donate to her; that's the closest we can get to combining our DNA, and we kind of like the idea of blending our families like that. We've also talked about having a friend or acquaintance donate. Our biggest hesitation is in avoiding any legal loophole that could have someone trying to come back and claim their child later. That freaks us out.

* I'm waiting to hear back from my accountant so that I can find out how much money I owe to the government. While I definitely owe money, I'm excited to find out how far under my saved amount I will be. In other words, I've got X amount already saved for taxes, so X - actual total = money that can go into the wedding fund!

* Wedding planning is fun and not terribly stressful because we booked a venue that includes almost everything we need (dinner, bar, DJ, photographer, flowers, etc.). Jersey and I are trying to figure out the guest list, which is so difficult because of all the people that don't fit neatly into a definite yes or a definite no. We are also working on our registries and finding pictures of cake designs and bouquets that we like. At first I was worried about finding a officiant to do the ceremony (or getting a friend ordained to do it), but then I realized that this isn't going to be a legally recognized marriage anyway, so we should be able to have any friend of ours perform the ceremony with no official status.

* Knowing that we are paying for a wedding/reception next spring, and that we would like to have a baby soon afterward, makes my current job insecurities even worse. I know I've been lucky to do so well over the past year, especially in an industry that has so notoriously fallen apart recently. I've held on to my job, despite changes that have been made in my company (and despite the lack of support from some powers that be), but I'm now facing another challenge to my position. I get nervous not knowing what could happen day to day.

* Partially due to my job insecurity (and partially because I just miss it), I am thinking about going back to school. I'd be looking for an online program, or at least something that is mostly online, so that I would be able to maneuver around my current schedule. And, yes, I am disciplined enough to be able to handle online courses. So, what degree? I haven't gotten that far yet. I want something that will give me a solid (marketable?) career skill; right now I can only fall back on administrative work and food service. Obviously something in a field that isn't going anywhere would be nice, too. My BA is in psychology, which is a nice start for a lot of other things. If I'm leaning toward anything right now, it's probably an MBA. I'm open to other ideas...

* Along with the idea of going back to school, and where I may find future jobs, is the fact that Jersey and I will almost definitely be moving away from Las Vegas within the next five years. I've never particularly liked it here and she hates it. The only reason I'd want to stay is because my mom is here, and while that is a HUGE reason, it can't be my only one. We are doing a (very) preliminary search of different places right now, just so we have some ideas of where we might end up (and because I like to do lots of research before I make decisions). Current possibilities include WA, CA, and CO. There's an outside chance of New England. We'll see.

So that's where my mind is at. My biggest problem is combining too many of these thoughts into one big mess. Focus!

So Confusing

Because I am the type of person who likes (loves?) to plan things out, I have been doing some research into all the ducks that Jersey and I need to have in a row before we have a baby. We aren't getting married until next spring, but we'd love to start a family shortly thereafter. Since we can't just do things the natural way, it will take some work to figure out fertility treatments and all that fun stuff. And before any of that happens, I need health insurance.

Yep, that's right; I'm uninsured and have been for years. Some of that has been due to my own laziness (though there was a time when it was a choice between insurance or power/gas/water, so I kinda had to prioritize), but now it's time to get my shit together and get covered. Since I'm an independent contractor, I can't get any of the super cool group insurance that includes maternity coverage; I have to apply for an individual plan and almost none of them will cover maternity stuff. I've looked at different options, but a lot of it is confusing!

I seem to have three options at this point. First, I can get a plan that includes maternity coverage. It would be relatively expensive (about $200 more a month than a plan without the coverage), but at least it's all there. I'm hesitant about this mainly because it could cost me extra money after I'm done having kids and that would be a waste. But shouldn't I be able to find a more basic plan after I have a baby? Obviously I don't want a gap in my coverage, so I'd have to be careful, but I wouldn't be the first person to switch insurance plans, would I?

Option two would be to get basic coverage without maternity, but add on a supplemental policy that would essentially reimburse me for my maternity costs. It seems like doing something like this could work really well, or something could completely fall through the cracks and I'd get screwed. I'm nervous about everything becoming too complicated if I try to coordinate separate policies.

The third option is what a coworker suggested (she is also an independent contractor and has a two-year-old). She kept her basic policy for herself and paid all of the maternity costs out of pocket. Apparently, if you negotiate with the hospital as soon as you find out you're pregnant, it's possible to get a MUCH lower fee than what hospitals charge the insurance companies, and you can make payments throughout the pregnancy so that it's not a huge lump sum cost (sorry if that whole negotiation thing is common knowledge; I've been fortunate enough to not have to deal with hospital bills). Still, my understanding is that it could come to a total of $6000-$10,000, and that seems worse than paying the extra money for the expensive insurance policy.

Ugh, I am definitely going to contact reps from all of these companies, but does anyone have an experience or advice on any of this? I need to figure it out relatively quickly, because I know some of these policies have 12 month waiting periods and we would like to start fertility procedures next May or June (and, yes, I know the fertility stuff won't be covered). Please let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions!

Success!

When asked about my guilty pleasure here, I mentioned that one of my guilty pleasures would be occurring in the upcoming weeks. In another post, I mentioned that I was going to try to make sushi at home. Alas, my guilty pleasure and the sushi-making collided and I'm sure you are all totally intrigued (or disgusted) by that image.

My guilty pleasure started several years ago, when I was living alone in an apartment, approximately 15 minutes from my mom's house. The Academy Awards were coming up, and we had a history of watching them together (even when we were 3000 miles apart during my college years, we'd IM throughout the telecast). I mentioned that it might be fun to get all dressed up in formal wear and watch all of the red carpet hoopla. I even decided to cook a mulit-course meal. With that, my mom and her (now ex) boyfriend came over in their gown and suit, respectively, and I served stuffed scallops, orange-glazed chicken, spinach rolls, and apple crisp; all the while, we enjoyed the spectacle on television.

Since then, we've continued the tradtion, some years more elaborately than others. Last year, my relationship with Jersey was sitll new, but she jumped right into the silliness and we ate pizza and breadsticks in our pretty dresses. It's always been fun and goofy and I look forward to our annual Oscar celebration.

This year, my mom had to be in Orlando for work, so she couldn't join us for our party. Jersey and I planned to just hang out together and do our own thing, but then her best friend decided to fly in from California and dress up with us! I figured that I had a great opportunity to make sushi for the first time, and studied proper sushi techniques extensively. Everything was a success, and here are the pictures to prove it...