Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Time to Change

***Note: For some reason the font style/size keeps changing after I hit "publish" and I can't figure out why. Sorry! I hope it's not terribly difficult to read.***

About a week ago, my mom received the following letter from a coworker of ours:

A Memorial: James J. Pechacek 1954-2009

My husband passed away on Tuesday. Actually, he was my Fiance. We'd been engage for 33 years. He tried to hang on long enough for us to get married. That goal helped keep him alive for the last several years. He'd have been perfectly content with "domestic partnership".

JJ was a very private person. Few of you ever met him, nor even knew of his existence. Those who did were indeed, very privileged.

JJ was the counter balance force in my life. We were polar opposites in so many ways. He was a meticulous stickler for details, a deep thinker, a slow responder. He prided himself on his rationality, and his memory. JJ was the best "phone a friend" walking encyclopedia that anyone could have ever hoped to have known. And though he didn't think so, he was the cutest little puppy in the world.

JJ was the first fan of Vintage Vegas. He's the one who made me believe 20 years ago that we could create a vibrant, energetic, fun urban core. When we first moved to Las Vegas 1985, he's the one who only wanted to live downtown. He's the one who pointed out the first "mid mod" homes that I soon fell in love with. We didn't know the words for mid mod, but JJ's the one who showed me why they were important. JJ was my biggest supporter, my most ardent fan. And he was my most vocal critic. I'm so going to miss him.

JJ liked his privacy and his anonymity. I was most shocked on Sunday when he told me that I could tell some of our story in public...as long as it was to make a point.

We met in 1975. We were both 21 year olds. He was hitchhiking to Florida. I was driving the semi-truck. I stopped to pick him up in Louisville, and was in love before we got to Nashville. He wanted to be a Gypsy. I wanted to be rich. He wanted to see the great cities and buildings and mountains and rivers and I wanted to meet a couple of million interesting people. We both got what we wanted.

It's been a long, exciting, and fun journey since then. We've been rich and poor and rich and poor again. We've been healthy and sick. We've been fun loving and furious. We were a couple thru lots of thick and thin. We were PARTNERS. That's the word we used to describe ourselves. And in our minds and in the reality of space and time we were married. We were married because we said we were. We could have cared less what any church might have thought. That our government considered us second class citizens...mattered a lot.

It was crushing to me yesterday when the coroner's office didn't have a category that described us for the death certificate. They wrote that he was SINGLE. They said I WASN'T THE NEXT OF KIN!

Back in January, the hospital recognized the legal power of attorney and other forms that had cost us thousands of dollars in legal fees. Most "not married" couples don't have those papers ready when they need them. Many couldn't afford them in the first place. We were fortunate in that regard. Without them, they wouldn't have even had to let me into the room.

There's a thousand things, both big and small that require "the stamp of recognition" from out various governments. Social Security Survivor benefits, taxes, inheritance rules, property rights, parental rights, and on and on and on. This is no small matter to the lives of many millions of Americans.

And that brings us to the irony of the timing of JJ's passing. Within a few minutes one way or the other of JJ's death...The Nevada Senate passed "Domestic Partnership" legislation. JJ would be very proud of them. Many of our best friends are in Carson City this week to tell our stories, and to lobby for passage of the bill. JJ wanted me to go, but I couldn't leave him alone for 3 days. I've asked them to deliver a copy of this obituary for me.

Our governor has said that he'll veto it if it passes. Why? Because "he doesn't believe in it" is the only answer he has. JJ believed in it and so do I. I hope you do, as well.

One of JJ's final requests was that I tell you our story and that I ask all of you, in his memory, to PLEASE call or write the Nevada Legislature, AND THE GOVERNOR and tell them that you support domestic partnership legislation. For that matter, tell the Congress and the President as well.

All JJ wanted was that I be recognized, at the barest of minimums, as his LEGAL "next of kin".


He asked my mom to pass it along to the rest of our office, which she did immediately. It also for passed along to individuals within the Nevada Legislature and we've already received some good news. Apparently, there were three people on the fence about this vote; one decided to vote in favor of domestic partnerships after reading this letter. Also, the latest news is that the Governor may sit back and let it pass. He says he won't support it, but won't veto it either.

I honestly have no idea if this specific letter actually changed minds...or opened any. Maybe it was that all-important straw on the camel's back, or maybe it got ignored. All I know is that these stories are about something so incredibly simple. It's just love.

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Decade

As my sister so simply put it today, "ten years is a long time." On April 27, 1999, our dad died after a relatively brief battle with cancer, which makes today the 10th anniversary. It's hard to perfectly describe how I am doing today, but it's the same as every year on this date; it's as though I am just a step behind all day, or underwater with my senses slightly dulled. I really wanted to blog today, though, so I am going to give you a random assortment of thoughts...

* My mom, Jersey, and I went to Dairy Queen for lunch so that I could have my dad's favorite kind of Blizzard in his honor. To answer the obvious question, it's chocolate chip cookie dough with extra fudge and a banana in it. Celebrating such an important day with dessert is something my dad would do.

* This evening, Jersey and I will watch some home videos (circa 1981-1983). My favorite is probably the one in which my dad and I are making chocolate cream pies for a holiday dinner, a couple of months before my third birthday. It's important to note that you can NOT give a chocolate-covered spatula to a toddler and tell her not to lick it. She will lick it with gusto and then proudly announce that she is doing so. Oh, and her mother will encourage it from behind the camera.

* When it comes to my personality, I got most of it from my dad. I am obsessive-compulsive, stubborn, and I have zero patience for stupid things. I think he was a little more of an asshole (and I say that in the nicest possible way), but I definitely got some of my attitude from him. I also love sports, swear like a sailor, do crosswords, and memorize numbers, all of which I will credit to him.

* Speaking of sports, my dad and I took a dream vacation when I was twelve and I'm so glad I had that experience with him. He and I drove around the country together and saw 21 Major League Baseball games in 18 different stadiums in 28 days, plus the MLB, NFL, NHL, and NBA Halls of Fame. Ok, it's totally a tomboy vacation, but I really loved it and still remember it well. Plus, I have lots of cool stories from that month.

* Overall, I think I've adjusted very well to not having my dad in my life (well, my physical life, but that opens up a really deep conversation). I obviously miss him, but I'm doing well. The hardest part for me right now is the wedding planning, specifically the whole walking down the aisle thingy. Most people have told me to just have my mom walk me down the aisle, but it's not that simple for me. If I had always planned to have both parents walk me down the aisle, then it would be fine to still have my mom do it; because I had only ever planned to have my dad do it, I don't like the idea of "replacing" him. I get that my dad wouldn't mind and blah blah blah, but it honestly bothers me. Apparently the idea of me walking alone bothers everyone else. For now, no decision has been made.

* Whenever I go to visit my dad at the cemetery, I try to bring him gifts. Well, they're not really gifts. More like food. A small bite. The last two were a chocolate chip cookie and a fried clam. It's like bringing a virgin to a volcano. I like to keep everything peaceful and calm. I also clean up his stone and say hi to Poles, his "next-door neighbor."
* Today, my Facebook status reflects the significance of the date and it brought comments from people I hadn't even heard from since accepting them as my friend on the site. It's nice to know that other people miss him, too. Someone on my sister's Facebook called him "badass" and I think that's great.

* I can't wait til the next time I am in California at a time when I can go watch a basketball game in the high school gymnasium that was named after him. Long story short, our high school (the one from which my sister and I graduated is the same at which my dad was a teacher, coach, and athletic director) renovated the gym last year and renamed it for my dad. There's a plaque with his name and picture above the entrance, a painted basketball jersey and new scoreboard with his name on both, plus the existing memorial basketball tournament (and possibly a memorial football game and soccer tournament) and the school's athletic hall of fame, which was named for him about a week before his death. All of that rocks.


* I gave the eulogy at my dad's funeral mass and I am still very proud of the fact that I made the 1000+ attendees laugh out loud throughout it. My dad joked around til the very end, so there was no way I could honor him by being serious and tearful. I made it as funny as I could, though I'll admit the "I'll miss you, Daddy" at the end was a bit rough. I swear, the rest of it was funny shit.

* When my dad was in the hospital the week before he died, I couldn't handle being alone with him. My mom and sister had no problem with it, but I needed someone with me. I don't know why I was so terrified, but it freaked me out. The only time I was alone with him at all was the night before he died. I took about a minute to tell him that I loved him and that we were all sad, but we'd be okay. He needed to stop fighting and I told him to let go. I also told him that I made a cassette tape of one of our favorite songs and that I would make sure it got put in his coffin, but that I wasn't about to include an entire stereo system, so he'd have to bum one off someone else on the flip side.

Thanks for listening. And I do miss you, Daddy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Monday Meme

I've stolen this meme, with very little delay, from Mrs. Chili. Enjoy!

1. How did you come up with your blog title OR what does it mean?

I have "stumble survive smile" tattooed on my lower back; I consider it a nicer way to say "shit happens, get over it." I never thought I would get a tattoo, but triumph at the end of an emotional journey convinced me otherwise. The tattoo is a permanent reminder of my strength and my personal motto.

2. What are your general goals for blogging?

I had planned to wait and blog when I could chronicle something really big...perhaps a pregnancy. Then I realized I have a lot of junk (good, bad, and ugly) bouncing around in my head and it wouldn't hurt to have a place to dump it. A blog could be a healthy outlet for me. I had begun to comment on a couple of blogs, plus I have been a member of message board for a few years, so I wasn't a stranger to internet interaction. I suppose this blog was just a tiny bit more selfish.

3. Do people "in your real life" know that you blog and do they comment on your blog OR is it largely anonymous?

My mom, my sister, and Jersey know that I blog. Jersey's mom and sister know that I blog. An ex-boyfriend knows that I blog. I really have no intention of letting friends or coworkers know, largely because I want to be able to vent when necessary and I don't want to get myself into trouble. Of those that read, my sister and Jersey are really the only two who bother to comment.

4. How often do you post (x per week)?

I only post once or twice a week. Honestly, my biggest hesitation in starting this blog was the pressure to post all the time, but I've managed to avoid any guilt about that. I would like to regularly post two or three times a week, but I won't freak if I come up short.

5. How often do you read other blogs (x per week)?

I only read a few blogs, so I have no problem reading them daily. I also check in with the message board on which I am a member. I'd say that the community feeling on the message board is like a mini-blogosphere; I've even met a couple of them in "real life" and I keep up with the things going on in the lives of the people on the boards as much as I keep up with other bloggers.

6. How do you select blogs to read (do you prefer blogs that focus on certain topics or do you choose by tone or...)?

I don't read many, so this is simple. I started with my sister's blog and then moved to the blogs of a couple of her readers. I remember that I originally contacted Mrs. Chili with a yoga question. Admittedly, I get nervous about commenting elsewhere, simply because I feel like I'm still a blog newbie and don't want to start showing up where I'm not wanted. It's probably not a logical concern, but it's a concern.

7. Do you have any plans to copy your blog entries in any other format, or do you think that one day, you'll just delete it all?

Um, neither. I'll keep writing here until I have nothing to say, then it can just float in cyberspace for all of eternity or die in the great internet explosion of 2023.

8. What are the things you like best about blogging?

I've never been the journal type, but I love being able to get my thoughts out of my head. I'm not sure it's slowed down any of the verbal ranting and raving that I do on a daily basis, but it does help me focus my point(s).

9. What are the things you don't like about blogging?

Trying to capture a lot of my (very passionate) thoughts and opinions in a relatively brief blog post is difficult. I always have a lot to say about the things that get me riled up! Also, I think it's difficult to make my tone and/or intent clear sometimes. Sarcasm and humor don't always translate well; this goes for comments on other blogs, too. It's just hard to act the way I would act in person, because I know that the written word can be deceiving.

10. How do you handle comments?

I definitely read them all and appreciate the time people take to write them. It's awesome to know that I have an audience, even if it's a small one. When I feel the need to write a response to a comment, I do. I have a response in my head for almost everything that people say on my blog, so maybe I'll try to add more comments about comments. Look out, Mrs. Chili, here comes a dialogue!

11. Do you have any burning thoughts to share on blog etiquette?

Be respectful. I've never cared if people agree with me, but I can't stand people who don't respectfully disagree. It's just not cool.

12. Any desired blog features?

I really don't know how to do anything on this blog, so most features would be lost on me at this point. I really should learn more about videos and such. I'm not technologically inept, just lazy.

13. Have you suffered blog addiction?

Yes and no. I'd say that it's become a part of my life, but it's not something for which I would apologize. I believe I will continue to grow as I write and I hope to form long-lasting friendships, as well.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thought for Thursday

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I'm working hard to keep my light strong.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

No More Bad Dreams

I've been annoyed/worried/frustrated by my job for a while now and it led to a breakdown last Friday. I've tried really hard to put the negativity away and take control of my own feelings, but I still feel the anger creep up now and then. On top of that, I've been having very predictable bad dreams (feeling lost, out of control, etc.). So, I decided to come here and vent about what's going on. Maybe this act of getting the icky stuff out of my system will let me sleep soundly.

I'm not sure how much I've said about my job (nor do I feel like looking at past posts to find out), so I'll summarize a bit. I'm an independent contractor who offers administrative services within a specific company for a fee and the only money I make is from that fee. I'm not salaried, but I am considered the "preferred vendor" for this company. I attend weekly staff meetings, teach classes for the company, write newsletter articles, and pay the company 20% of what I charge my clients. In exchange for that, I don't have to pay the office desk rental fee ($75 a month) and I am (supposedly) endorsed by the company.

Several months ago, there was an individual ("S.") who was released as the personal assistant of someone in the company. S. decided that she wanted to offer the same services I do and began to recruit my clients away from me. Because I am the "preferred vendor," she was told that she was not allowed to actively seek my current clients, but it still happened to some extent. I explained my concerns to the powers that be (well, it's really just one manager-type of person who likes to call herself the CEO), but was met with a bunch of "if you do your job well enough, you won't have to worry about it" and "maybe you need to be on point with your own business" and "just educate people about why she's not being a nice person and they'll come back to you." Basically, a lot of bullshit. Fortunately, S. left the company for a new position and the big threat was gone.

The same "CEO" kept on my case about why my business wasn't booming anymore, and our company accountant and I pointed out that many of my former clients had become so successful that they needed personal assistants. It wasn't anything that could be helped on my part...it was just that they grew beyond what I could do for them. I was picking up new clients, but that doesn't equal immediate results. We printed out company reports to show her that I had reached all the clients that I could. I gave her specific examples of things I was doing to increase my success, but she hinted at the idea of bringing in competition because it didn't seem like I was working hard enough. For a long time now, I've felt like she just wants me gone. I know I'm not the only one that she treats like shit (hell, she does it to my mother and my mom is part of management), but it's hard to defend myself against someone who won't look at the facts.

Over this time (before, during, and after the threats to my business), I worked with various people within the company to get an idea of how I could improve my services. I took lots of suggestions, incorporated them, and wrote emails and articles about the improvements. I added in an entirely new "express" service, for those who didn't need everything I was offering. I started sending weekly email tips to the entire company, as a way to get my name out there even more. Additionally, I met with the company liaison who is supposed to promote my interests to the company and the company's interests to me. As one of my clients, he was able to give me insight into what was expected of me and I agreed to (and followed through on) EVERY SINGLE IDEA that he and the other clients had.

Within the past two weeks, one group of four clients left the company. No more business from them. Another one of my clients joined up with a very successful couple with their own personal assistant. No more business there. While disappointed, I had also picked up three new clients, so I was okay. Then, I overheard someone in the office trying to talk to a client of mine into using the services of her former assistant ("E.") who was now going to be doing the same work I do. I thought this problem had already been handled, because everyone (meaning management/accounting/staff) had been told that we were not going to to have round two of this threat to my job if I was going to be the "preferred vendor." I was pissed at overhearing the recruiting, so I went to the accountant and she went straight to E. to tell her that it would not be allowed by the company. Her response was that she had no interest in doing my job and that she respected me immensely and wouldn't do that to me...

An hour and a half later, E. took one of my top clients. Which client? The supposed company liaison. Before I go any further, I will say that I know my services are optional and that any client can come and go; that's the nature of my business. What I have a MAJOR problem with is the underhanded, sneaky, cowardly, bullshit way this all went down. I have spent months working with this liaison to improve my services for my clients and he didn't have the decency to tell me that he was unhappy with what I was doing for him?!? E. specifically said that she respected me too much to take my business, and then did it anyway?!? I've been working my ass off for months, just to get stabbed in the back by people who know they are in the wrong...they've gone to so much trouble to hide what's happening (new email accounts, shared log-in codes for our company system, payment under the table, etc.), apparently forgetting that my mom and the accountant were watching closely for this specific thing.

I have no reason to believe she'll stop with this client; I suspect that she's working with at least one other already. I know that I will not be backed up by the CEO, so I really have no recourse at this point. The logic of knowing that I do a great job doesn't pay the bills. She can charge less than I do, since she doesn't have to give the company 20%, and I can't blame people in this economy for wanting the cheapest option possible. I am desperately trying to hold on to a job that is being pulled out from under me, and it's an awful feeling. I yelled and cried a LOT in my mom's office on Friday, frustrated at being stuck and mad at myself for not having a career that I love.

At this point, I've requested material from some online universities and plan to seek an MBA in Human Resource Management. Once Jersey is working full time, I will feel comfortable accepting a job that pays less, just so I can gain the experience I need to build a strong career. Having a plan has calmed me to some extent and I will work hard to reach my goals. In the meantime, I will try to let karma deal with the rest.

Sigh.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Monday Meme

I got this one from my sister...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

1. You are biased in the opposite way of what most people would guess.
2. What held you back?
3. I'm human.
4. Please look in the mirror when you say the things you direct at everyone else.
5. Happiness snowballs as much as unhappiness does.
6. I wish you were here to walk me down the aisle.
7. A lot of what happened was my own fault.
8. I regret being mad at you when you died.
9. Why are you afraid to be happy?
10. I am the least of your problems.

Nine things about myself:

1. I cried when I got my first "B" on a report card.
2. I cried when I got an "A" on report card, because I didn't deserve it.
3. If I could live anywhere, it would be in Newport Beach or Corona Del Mar, CA.
4. My dream is to be an author of psychological thrillers, but I admit that I am not putting any effort into that dream at this time.
5. I started wearing glasses when I was 18 months old, wore an eye patch when I was a toddler, and had two eye operations before I was ten; I currently wear no glasses or contacts, but that will probably change within the next few years.
6. My favorite sport is hockey, but that's followed very closely by football and baseball.
7. I kissed a girl when I was 16, but I dated only men until my current relationship began in February of 2008.
8. I've been to 43 of the 50 states (still missing Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Maine).
9. I like Easter candy better than Halloween candy, but I hate Peeps with a passion.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Appreciate sarcasm.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Respect my religious and political views, even if you disagree with them.
4. Allow me to have bad moods every now and then.
5. Don't make a big deal out of it when I cry.
6. Love my family.
7. Love your family.
8. Want to have children.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. My future
2. My past
3. Work
4. Educational opportunities
5. Wedding plans
6. Food
7. My family and friends

Six things I do before I fall asleep:

1. Take off my clothes
2. Brush my teeth
3. Turn on the TV
4. Read or do a crossword
5. Kiss Jersey
6. Curl into the fetal position

Five people who mean a lot to me:

1. Mom
2. My little sister
3. Jersey
4. My high school best friend (and bridesmaid)
5. Jersey's sister (because she's the most important person in Jersey's life)

Four things you're wearing right now:

1. A sundress
2. A white lace thong
3. Strappy sandals
4. My engagement ring

Three songs you listen to often:

1. Baba O'Riley - The Who
2. So What - Pink
3. Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi w/ Jennifer Nettles

Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Be a mother
2. Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary.

One confession:


I regret derailing my life when I became an anorexic cutter in college.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Vocabulary - Part 2

Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my post yesterday. I want to take some time now to jump around to a few different points in relation to what I said. As I said yesterday, it's very hard to articulate my thoughts on all of this; the jump from brain to blog is tricky.

* To clarify my personal feeling about insults that are directed my way, well, I can say that I actually feel insulted about .001% of the time. Anyone who would hurl an insult at me, with anything but love (and teasing by friends and family counts as love in my book), is not someone who even matters to me. I'm not just saying that to act tough here; even as a small child who was taunted for being "little miss perfect" or "four-eyes" all the time, I was able to brush it off because those kids had no bearing on my self worth. When I said that I find "gay agenda" as insulting as "faggot" or "dyke," I was honest. I'm not personally insulted by any of it, but I think they are often said with the same ill-will.

* I understand the point that Anonymous made about us standing up for those with intellectual disabilities, since many of them are not able to verbalize their hurt. However, I think it's dangerous to compare slurs on the basis of whether the victim is able to fight back. If I'm hurt by someone who calls me a "dyke" and an autistic person is hurt because someone called them a "retard," then both of those are wrong and arguing which is more wrong is missing the point. We don't get to call certain people names just because they can take it.

* I also agree with Auntie and Mrs. Chili about words having the power that you give them. We make choices all the time, and if we choose to let words affect us, they will. That said, I am careful about what comes out of my mouth on a regular basis, because I feel like a constant stream of negativity does start wearing down good energy. It's not that I don't vent in anger, or make self-depracating jokes. I just try not to do those things too often because I think they gain power with repetition.

* The thread on my message board about homophobia and the gay agenda currently has 149 posts in it. From the discussion about the gay agenda came another debate about gay marriage, which wasn't a huge surprise. JW made a comment (and I know he's just one of many to do so) about being okay with homosexual unions with benefits and state approval, as long as homosexuals don't call themselves "married." To him, civil unions and the like are fine; marriage is not. I've written about this before and I still don't understand what the difference is. Let me put it this way:

I believe that murder is wrong. We could change the word "murder" to "apple-picking" and I would believe that apple-picking is wrong. We could use fifteen other words for it, and I would still believe that it is wrong. No vocabulary change is going to change a core belief of mine. So, why are so many people okay with civil unions and not marriage? Now, I have heard that the problem is that there is a religious connotation to "marriage" and homosexuals are sinners, blah, blah, blah. But why aren't there laws being passed that marriage must be between one man and one woman who believe in God? Atheists get married with little problem. I want the same right.

Ok, that's all I've got for now. My head is so jumbled with my thoughts on this, but I think I've made some of my main points. Go ahead, throw some jumbled crap back at me!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Vocabulary - Part 1

First, a bit of background information:

For the past 4 1/2 years, I have been a semi-active participant on a message board; the site is mainly for discussion about a baseball game, but there is an entire off-topic section in which people discuss movies, music, politics, religion, what they had for lunch, births of children, etc. There is a separate debate forum where things can get pretty heated when people disagree (which is often, of course). I check the boards a few times a day and comment when I feel like I have something to say. I've also met two of the other posters in person.

So, earlier this week, I was reading through some of the recent threads and opened one about the letter that John C. McGinley wrote about the use of the words "retard" or "retarded." Basically, he compared the use of "retard" to "nigger, or kike, or faggot, or jap, or kraut, or mick, or wop" and said that words hurt, so we need to remove such words from our vocabulary. This particular thread was started by someone I'll call JW; he is a conservative Christian with an autistic son and a history of arguing with the more liberal members of the message board. He and I have always gotten along, though we certainly agree to disagree on a lot of issues (like the fact that I am damned to hell for loving a woman).

In response to the topic at hand, I posted the following:

"...my point of view is definitely in the middle somewhere.

Any words can become derogatory, depending on the context and intent. I certainly don't think that the use of any particular word automatically makes someone a bigot. Getting too focused on banning the words themselves is like a dog chasing its tail; we'll be wasting a lot of energy and not getting very far.

That said, I also agree that the casual use of these words can desensitize people and if this brings about education and intelligent discussion, then I'm all for it. Overall, I'd rather see change in people's actions than their vocabulary, and if any discourse leads to that..."

With that done, I opened another new thread. This one started by linking an article about a homophobic incident. Honestly, I didn't even read the article; it didn't end up being my focus in the thread. What caught my eye was JW's response to the incident. He mentioned that people were "pushing the gay agenda" and that was enough to piss me off. So, I wrote:

"FWIW, I absolutely hate the phrase "gay agenda" and find it as insulting as faggot, dyke, or anything similar. It's as though homosexuals are distributing obscene brochures or holding recruiting meetings at which they force people to sign up for a pyramid scheme of satanic proportions. I guess I just see people who are trying to have a consensual relationship (possibly even recognized by the state?!?) with an adult that they love very much."

After another second, I realized I should follow it up with this:

"...just so I stay consistent with what I posted in the thread about using the word "retard"...

I don't think the phrase "gay agenda" should be banned and I don't think that the use of it necessarily means that someone is a bigot. I do hope that there is continued discussion about the issues behind the usage of the phrase and that people's actions can change as a result."

My thoughts are obviously more complex than I can properly explain on a message board, or this blog, but I do wonder what causes someone to worry about the use of one word (retard) and use others (gay agenda) so casually. Is it as simple as differentiating between what hits close to home and what doesn't? Am I wrong to think that actions speak louder than words? If we eliminate the use of some slurs, won't there be others to replace them? Shouldn't an off color joke be an opportunity to educate, rather than a need to silence?

I have more to say on the importance of words, but I will wait until tomorrow.