Time to Change

***Note: For some reason the font style/size keeps changing after I hit "publish" and I can't figure out why. Sorry! I hope it's not terribly difficult to read.***

About a week ago, my mom received the following letter from a coworker of ours:

A Memorial: James J. Pechacek 1954-2009

My husband passed away on Tuesday. Actually, he was my Fiance. We'd been engage for 33 years. He tried to hang on long enough for us to get married. That goal helped keep him alive for the last several years. He'd have been perfectly content with "domestic partnership".

JJ was a very private person. Few of you ever met him, nor even knew of his existence. Those who did were indeed, very privileged.

JJ was the counter balance force in my life. We were polar opposites in so many ways. He was a meticulous stickler for details, a deep thinker, a slow responder. He prided himself on his rationality, and his memory. JJ was the best "phone a friend" walking encyclopedia that anyone could have ever hoped to have known. And though he didn't think so, he was the cutest little puppy in the world.

JJ was the first fan of Vintage Vegas. He's the one who made me believe 20 years ago that we could create a vibrant, energetic, fun urban core. When we first moved to Las Vegas 1985, he's the one who only wanted to live downtown. He's the one who pointed out the first "mid mod" homes that I soon fell in love with. We didn't know the words for mid mod, but JJ's the one who showed me why they were important. JJ was my biggest supporter, my most ardent fan. And he was my most vocal critic. I'm so going to miss him.

JJ liked his privacy and his anonymity. I was most shocked on Sunday when he told me that I could tell some of our story in public...as long as it was to make a point.

We met in 1975. We were both 21 year olds. He was hitchhiking to Florida. I was driving the semi-truck. I stopped to pick him up in Louisville, and was in love before we got to Nashville. He wanted to be a Gypsy. I wanted to be rich. He wanted to see the great cities and buildings and mountains and rivers and I wanted to meet a couple of million interesting people. We both got what we wanted.

It's been a long, exciting, and fun journey since then. We've been rich and poor and rich and poor again. We've been healthy and sick. We've been fun loving and furious. We were a couple thru lots of thick and thin. We were PARTNERS. That's the word we used to describe ourselves. And in our minds and in the reality of space and time we were married. We were married because we said we were. We could have cared less what any church might have thought. That our government considered us second class citizens...mattered a lot.

It was crushing to me yesterday when the coroner's office didn't have a category that described us for the death certificate. They wrote that he was SINGLE. They said I WASN'T THE NEXT OF KIN!

Back in January, the hospital recognized the legal power of attorney and other forms that had cost us thousands of dollars in legal fees. Most "not married" couples don't have those papers ready when they need them. Many couldn't afford them in the first place. We were fortunate in that regard. Without them, they wouldn't have even had to let me into the room.

There's a thousand things, both big and small that require "the stamp of recognition" from out various governments. Social Security Survivor benefits, taxes, inheritance rules, property rights, parental rights, and on and on and on. This is no small matter to the lives of many millions of Americans.

And that brings us to the irony of the timing of JJ's passing. Within a few minutes one way or the other of JJ's death...The Nevada Senate passed "Domestic Partnership" legislation. JJ would be very proud of them. Many of our best friends are in Carson City this week to tell our stories, and to lobby for passage of the bill. JJ wanted me to go, but I couldn't leave him alone for 3 days. I've asked them to deliver a copy of this obituary for me.

Our governor has said that he'll veto it if it passes. Why? Because "he doesn't believe in it" is the only answer he has. JJ believed in it and so do I. I hope you do, as well.

One of JJ's final requests was that I tell you our story and that I ask all of you, in his memory, to PLEASE call or write the Nevada Legislature, AND THE GOVERNOR and tell them that you support domestic partnership legislation. For that matter, tell the Congress and the President as well.

All JJ wanted was that I be recognized, at the barest of minimums, as his LEGAL "next of kin".

He asked my mom to pass it along to the rest of our office, which she did immediately. It also for passed along to individuals within the Nevada Legislature and we've already received some good news. Apparently, there were three people on the fence about this vote; one decided to vote in favor of domestic partnerships after reading this letter. Also, the latest news is that the Governor may sit back and let it pass. He says he won't support it, but won't veto it either.

I honestly have no idea if this specific letter actually changed minds...or opened any. Maybe it was that all-important straw on the camel's back, or maybe it got ignored. All I know is that these stories are about something so incredibly simple. It's just love.

Ten Things Tuesday

Ten Great Patriotic Songs:

1. America The Beautiful - Possibly the "prettiest" of the songs on this list. It's pure and can stir a lot of emotion in me when done well. This brings up a HUGE pet peeve of mine: Patriotic songs are special and should not be turned into some fancy schmancy chance for a singer to show off creativity. Sing it the way it was written. These songs are classic and fucking with them strikes me as disrespectful. Oh, and this rule also applies to Christmas carols.

2. I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy - This song cracks me up and I don't even know why. It's just fun. I'm not sure I could sing it without smiling.

3. Battle of New Orleans - Ok, this is a sentimental thing. My mom used to sing this when I was little and it made me really excited when I got to middle school and learned about the Battle of New Orleans. I felt like I was a step ahead of the rest of the class!

4. Some Gave All - Yes, I know that a lot of you don't like (hate?) country music. And believe me, I am not a Billy Ray Cyrus fan in any way, shape, or form. I really love this song though and it gives me chills. If you can't stand the thought of listening to it, at least check out the lyrics.

5. America (My Country Tis of Thee) - More so than a lot of the other songs on this list, this one sends me straight back to elementary school assemblies, where we used to sing a patriotic song after reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Are schools allowed to do that anymore?

6. This Land is Your Land - Ah, what a nice idea. All across this great country of ours, with all of the differences, we could actually share and respect each other. Hmmm.

7. Yankee Doodle - So, I learned something interesting about this song when I looked it up...not that I had really thought about it one way or another. Anyway, when he sticks a feather in his cap and calls it macaroni, he's not referring to the pasta (which I probably could've guessed, though it does create a fun mental image). Macaroni was a fancy style of Italian dress, so it's basically about some average kid standing proud as if he were dressed to the nines. Cool.

8. The Star Spangled Banner - When I was a toddler, my mom took me to high school football games each week to watch my dad coach. Every time, I was super excited to hear the band play the "spaindled bainder". Oh, and my dad was adamant that players respect the Anthem by staying still and keeping their mouths shut for the entirety. That respect has stuck with me to this day and I consider the playing of our Anthem to be rather sacred.

9. Battle Hymn of the Republic - This is another song that gives me chills (I'm sensitive!). When there's a band involved, with horns and drums, it's even more powerful. I like singing it slowly and somewhat quietly...then building up to the pride and glory of it all. I just can't adequately express how much I love this song. And, yes, I know it's very religious as well, but there's just something about the freedom that gets to me.

10. Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American) and American Soldier - Technically, this brings my list to 11, but I figured I can put these two Toby Keith songs together. I love Toby Keith, but those of you who don't can look these lyrics up instead of exposing your eardrums to country music. I'll admit these songs are significantly more powerful when he does them in concert (this year they were his encore...actually, they've often been his encore). Even Jersey, who is not a country music fan, was quite moved by the emotion when she heard these songs in person.

Happy election day to everyone! GO VOTE!

Politics and Religion

Ah, yes, politics and religion. Two topics to be avoided at the dinner table. Two topics to be avoided in a lot of places, unless heated (and sometimes ugly) debates are your thing. It's funny though...I seem to be able to talk about both without a terrible amount of fighting. After a decent amount of consideration, I think it comes down to my general lack of "I'm right, you're wrong" when it comes to both topics. I also have a healthy dose of "I don't know", so it allows me to listen and learn as much as anything else. With that, here are some things on my political and religious mind.

I don't like Sarah Palin. Admittedly, I don't know a lot of details about her politics, beyond her being very conservative. However, I recently read an article about her personal life and it did nothing but show me that I do not want this woman in charge of anything.

Her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant, which I have no reason to judge. It's something that can happen to intelligent teenagers in great families. In fact, it seems as though an unexpected, premarital pregnancy is something she's experienced herself, given that her first child was born less than 8 months after her elopement (can we say shotgun wedding?). What I do judge is the hypocrisy of touting abstinence as the best sex education when that clearly didn't work with her or her daughter. Seems awfully unrealistic to push the rest of the country to follow an ideal that failed in her own life.

Something else that struck me while reading this article was her dishonesty. Once Palin found out she was pregnant with her youngest child, she went to great measures to hide it from the public, afraid that they would deem her unable to serve in her position as Governor. Excuse me, but is that the best way to handle things? I'm worried that they'll think I can't do my job, so I'll just deceive them instead? A pregnancy and baby aren't things that are temporary issues that just go away, so the public is going to know about it eventually. Hiding it does nothing for me but show fear and a lack of willingness to face challenges head on. Oh, and when she found out that the baby would be born with Down Syndrome, she didn't even tell her children. She said that she didn't know how to tell them, so she just waited until they noticed it themselves. Ugh.

Other political stuff: This election season has gone on forever...The VP picks seem more important this time around than in any election I can remember...I wish campaign ads focused more on why a candidate deserves my vote, rather than why the other candidate does not...I hope the younger generation actually votes in this election...I don't think the public will give the next President much of a chance, regardless of which candidate wins, because too many people have unrealistic expectations about what can actually be done in a short amount of time...I'd love to see more help for Americans in many areas, including education and healthcare, but we seem too intent on fixing everyone else's issues...I don't know as much as I should about the foreign policy and financial issues facing our country because I tend to focus on the social issues.

I've also given a lot of thought to religion lately. Specifically, how best am I defined...or does a definition even matter? I was raised Catholic and still identify myself as such. When I attend church, I attend Catholic Mass. Right now, I am not attending church on a regular basis, though I go through occasional phases where I attend regularly. What I question is whether I fit with a church known to be rather judgmental, when I feel that God is more loving and accepting. Is there a place for my more liberal views in the strict definition of the Catholic Church?

I do believe in God and heaven and all that nice stuff, though I have no interest in arguing the issue with those who do not. My ex used to question how I knew that God and heaven exist, but it's simply my faith, my belief that they are real. I can't prove it either way, nor do I feel the need to. It's personal to me, a foundation that underlies the rest of my existence. I also feel very comfortable within Catholic churches. It's relaxing and fulfilling and I feel like I am at home when I'm at Mass. At the same time, I know there are a lot of strict Catholics (well, believers of many faiths, really) who would judge me as being a "bad Catholic". I have done things in my life that people would deem "bad"...some for which I am sorry, others for which I am not. Through it all, I believe very strongly that I am a good person and that God loves me.

So, am I really a Catholic or is there a better definition? Even more importantly, does it matter? If I feel happy in a Catholic church and I feel that I have a strong relationship with God, do I need to worry about a label? Or can I continue to be a good person, knowing that I am loved and that I will see my dad (and all my loved ones) in heaven?