A Decade

As my sister so simply put it today, "ten years is a long time." On April 27, 1999, our dad died after a relatively brief battle with cancer, which makes today the 10th anniversary. It's hard to perfectly describe how I am doing today, but it's the same as every year on this date; it's as though I am just a step behind all day, or underwater with my senses slightly dulled. I really wanted to blog today, though, so I am going to give you a random assortment of thoughts...

* My mom, Jersey, and I went to Dairy Queen for lunch so that I could have my dad's favorite kind of Blizzard in his honor. To answer the obvious question, it's chocolate chip cookie dough with extra fudge and a banana in it. Celebrating such an important day with dessert is something my dad would do.

* This evening, Jersey and I will watch some home videos (circa 1981-1983). My favorite is probably the one in which my dad and I are making chocolate cream pies for a holiday dinner, a couple of months before my third birthday. It's important to note that you can NOT give a chocolate-covered spatula to a toddler and tell her not to lick it. She will lick it with gusto and then proudly announce that she is doing so. Oh, and her mother will encourage it from behind the camera.

* When it comes to my personality, I got most of it from my dad. I am obsessive-compulsive, stubborn, and I have zero patience for stupid things. I think he was a little more of an asshole (and I say that in the nicest possible way), but I definitely got some of my attitude from him. I also love sports, swear like a sailor, do crosswords, and memorize numbers, all of which I will credit to him.

* Speaking of sports, my dad and I took a dream vacation when I was twelve and I'm so glad I had that experience with him. He and I drove around the country together and saw 21 Major League Baseball games in 18 different stadiums in 28 days, plus the MLB, NFL, NHL, and NBA Halls of Fame. Ok, it's totally a tomboy vacation, but I really loved it and still remember it well. Plus, I have lots of cool stories from that month.

* Overall, I think I've adjusted very well to not having my dad in my life (well, my physical life, but that opens up a really deep conversation). I obviously miss him, but I'm doing well. The hardest part for me right now is the wedding planning, specifically the whole walking down the aisle thingy. Most people have told me to just have my mom walk me down the aisle, but it's not that simple for me. If I had always planned to have both parents walk me down the aisle, then it would be fine to still have my mom do it; because I had only ever planned to have my dad do it, I don't like the idea of "replacing" him. I get that my dad wouldn't mind and blah blah blah, but it honestly bothers me. Apparently the idea of me walking alone bothers everyone else. For now, no decision has been made.

* Whenever I go to visit my dad at the cemetery, I try to bring him gifts. Well, they're not really gifts. More like food. A small bite. The last two were a chocolate chip cookie and a fried clam. It's like bringing a virgin to a volcano. I like to keep everything peaceful and calm. I also clean up his stone and say hi to Poles, his "next-door neighbor."
* Today, my Facebook status reflects the significance of the date and it brought comments from people I hadn't even heard from since accepting them as my friend on the site. It's nice to know that other people miss him, too. Someone on my sister's Facebook called him "badass" and I think that's great.

* I can't wait til the next time I am in California at a time when I can go watch a basketball game in the high school gymnasium that was named after him. Long story short, our high school (the one from which my sister and I graduated is the same at which my dad was a teacher, coach, and athletic director) renovated the gym last year and renamed it for my dad. There's a plaque with his name and picture above the entrance, a painted basketball jersey and new scoreboard with his name on both, plus the existing memorial basketball tournament (and possibly a memorial football game and soccer tournament) and the school's athletic hall of fame, which was named for him about a week before his death. All of that rocks.


* I gave the eulogy at my dad's funeral mass and I am still very proud of the fact that I made the 1000+ attendees laugh out loud throughout it. My dad joked around til the very end, so there was no way I could honor him by being serious and tearful. I made it as funny as I could, though I'll admit the "I'll miss you, Daddy" at the end was a bit rough. I swear, the rest of it was funny shit.

* When my dad was in the hospital the week before he died, I couldn't handle being alone with him. My mom and sister had no problem with it, but I needed someone with me. I don't know why I was so terrified, but it freaked me out. The only time I was alone with him at all was the night before he died. I took about a minute to tell him that I loved him and that we were all sad, but we'd be okay. He needed to stop fighting and I told him to let go. I also told him that I made a cassette tape of one of our favorite songs and that I would make sure it got put in his coffin, but that I wasn't about to include an entire stereo system, so he'd have to bum one off someone else on the flip side.

Thanks for listening. And I do miss you, Daddy.