No More Bad Dreams

I've been annoyed/worried/frustrated by my job for a while now and it led to a breakdown last Friday. I've tried really hard to put the negativity away and take control of my own feelings, but I still feel the anger creep up now and then. On top of that, I've been having very predictable bad dreams (feeling lost, out of control, etc.). So, I decided to come here and vent about what's going on. Maybe this act of getting the icky stuff out of my system will let me sleep soundly.

I'm not sure how much I've said about my job (nor do I feel like looking at past posts to find out), so I'll summarize a bit. I'm an independent contractor who offers administrative services within a specific company for a fee and the only money I make is from that fee. I'm not salaried, but I am considered the "preferred vendor" for this company. I attend weekly staff meetings, teach classes for the company, write newsletter articles, and pay the company 20% of what I charge my clients. In exchange for that, I don't have to pay the office desk rental fee ($75 a month) and I am (supposedly) endorsed by the company.

Several months ago, there was an individual ("S.") who was released as the personal assistant of someone in the company. S. decided that she wanted to offer the same services I do and began to recruit my clients away from me. Because I am the "preferred vendor," she was told that she was not allowed to actively seek my current clients, but it still happened to some extent. I explained my concerns to the powers that be (well, it's really just one manager-type of person who likes to call herself the CEO), but was met with a bunch of "if you do your job well enough, you won't have to worry about it" and "maybe you need to be on point with your own business" and "just educate people about why she's not being a nice person and they'll come back to you." Basically, a lot of bullshit. Fortunately, S. left the company for a new position and the big threat was gone.

The same "CEO" kept on my case about why my business wasn't booming anymore, and our company accountant and I pointed out that many of my former clients had become so successful that they needed personal assistants. It wasn't anything that could be helped on my part...it was just that they grew beyond what I could do for them. I was picking up new clients, but that doesn't equal immediate results. We printed out company reports to show her that I had reached all the clients that I could. I gave her specific examples of things I was doing to increase my success, but she hinted at the idea of bringing in competition because it didn't seem like I was working hard enough. For a long time now, I've felt like she just wants me gone. I know I'm not the only one that she treats like shit (hell, she does it to my mother and my mom is part of management), but it's hard to defend myself against someone who won't look at the facts.

Over this time (before, during, and after the threats to my business), I worked with various people within the company to get an idea of how I could improve my services. I took lots of suggestions, incorporated them, and wrote emails and articles about the improvements. I added in an entirely new "express" service, for those who didn't need everything I was offering. I started sending weekly email tips to the entire company, as a way to get my name out there even more. Additionally, I met with the company liaison who is supposed to promote my interests to the company and the company's interests to me. As one of my clients, he was able to give me insight into what was expected of me and I agreed to (and followed through on) EVERY SINGLE IDEA that he and the other clients had.

Within the past two weeks, one group of four clients left the company. No more business from them. Another one of my clients joined up with a very successful couple with their own personal assistant. No more business there. While disappointed, I had also picked up three new clients, so I was okay. Then, I overheard someone in the office trying to talk to a client of mine into using the services of her former assistant ("E.") who was now going to be doing the same work I do. I thought this problem had already been handled, because everyone (meaning management/accounting/staff) had been told that we were not going to to have round two of this threat to my job if I was going to be the "preferred vendor." I was pissed at overhearing the recruiting, so I went to the accountant and she went straight to E. to tell her that it would not be allowed by the company. Her response was that she had no interest in doing my job and that she respected me immensely and wouldn't do that to me...

An hour and a half later, E. took one of my top clients. Which client? The supposed company liaison. Before I go any further, I will say that I know my services are optional and that any client can come and go; that's the nature of my business. What I have a MAJOR problem with is the underhanded, sneaky, cowardly, bullshit way this all went down. I have spent months working with this liaison to improve my services for my clients and he didn't have the decency to tell me that he was unhappy with what I was doing for him?!? E. specifically said that she respected me too much to take my business, and then did it anyway?!? I've been working my ass off for months, just to get stabbed in the back by people who know they are in the wrong...they've gone to so much trouble to hide what's happening (new email accounts, shared log-in codes for our company system, payment under the table, etc.), apparently forgetting that my mom and the accountant were watching closely for this specific thing.

I have no reason to believe she'll stop with this client; I suspect that she's working with at least one other already. I know that I will not be backed up by the CEO, so I really have no recourse at this point. The logic of knowing that I do a great job doesn't pay the bills. She can charge less than I do, since she doesn't have to give the company 20%, and I can't blame people in this economy for wanting the cheapest option possible. I am desperately trying to hold on to a job that is being pulled out from under me, and it's an awful feeling. I yelled and cried a LOT in my mom's office on Friday, frustrated at being stuck and mad at myself for not having a career that I love.

At this point, I've requested material from some online universities and plan to seek an MBA in Human Resource Management. Once Jersey is working full time, I will feel comfortable accepting a job that pays less, just so I can gain the experience I need to build a strong career. Having a plan has calmed me to some extent and I will work hard to reach my goals. In the meantime, I will try to let karma deal with the rest.

Sigh.